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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I Like This One....

List 10 things you wish you could say to someone, but can't. Use a different person for each.

1. You had everything you ever asked of me. It wasn't enough though was it? I just wasn't who you wanted to be with no matter how hard I tried to make it work. But thank you for teaching me that I deserve to be with someone who will appreciate me.

2. I wish we'd had more time together. I miss you more than I can ever explain to anyone. I wish you had met the man who loves me so much he can't imagine living without me. I know you wanted that before you left and I disappointed you three times. I hope I meet him one day too.

3. I wanted more from you. I wanted you to keep me safe. If you had, my childhood would have been happier, my life would have been different. I just wish you had dealt with what you must have known was going on. And I really wish you didn't still laugh, even now, about things you should have seen as warning signs.

4. I'll always love you though I know we'll never be together. Even with the pain of letting you go, I'm so glad I met you and had some time with you the way we did. You were the first man I ever trusted, you made me feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. You helped me to heal.

5. Admit what you did, you live with it every day of your life like I do. I hardly see you and that's on purpose. You were evil to me time after time. You stole my innocence, you destroyed it. You invited another to do the same. Though only a child, you taught me to hate myself.

6. Why don't you want to let me hear your voice? Why must you remain words on a screen? I know you care about me but won't let me in. You say it's because you've been hurt and you told me about her. But by not letting me in, by being afraid of your feelings, you let her win again each day you keep me locked out.

7. I let it happen. I should have taken more care of me, and of you. I'll always wonder what it would have been like to hold you in my arms, to see a part of me in you.

8. Will this lead to anything? I have good feelings about you and for you. I hate the way the time zones work against us. And yet I hunger for your words. Just one sentence can make me smile.

9. You hurt me. So I hurt you. Two wrongs don't make a right. But I wish you would understand that because of what we went through, we can't be more than friends. Once you betray my trust I can never let you have it again. There are reasons for that and you knew them before you betrayed me.

10. I hope your second wife makes you happy and that you have been more honest to her than you were to me. You consciously led me to doubt myself to protect your own insecurities. It was a hateful and damaging thing to do.

Wow. That was incredibly cathartic!!!

4 comments:

Steve said...

beautiful, acushla.

Steve said...

Acushla,
Do you have an email address? If so, let me know...mine is loudbuzz at gmail.com

Do you chat on IM? Yahoo: nbaction at yahoo.com ; or on MSN: loudbuzz at msn.com (I prefer MSN or "Windows Messenger," but it really doesn't matter).

Miranda said...

Good post, its very theraputic, I did this too. I think I may do it a lil more often.

I followed you through the comment path from DG's blog...lol I needed to see who it is that loves the same food as I do :D. Nice blog.

Fiona said...

Thanks, Steve :)

Miranda - welcome and thank you. I actually pinched the idea from your board, having found you through DG. You inspired me to do the 10 things to say. And thanks to you I have a craving for Indonesian food today - I may just satisfy it at lunchtime!! Lovely to meet you and you are a daily read of mine :)

 

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