Six Weeks Later.....

Update:

Flights - check and thank you my travel agent for pulling this seemingly impossible feat, out of the hat.

Spa Pool Villa at Banyan Tree Phuket - check check check - and thank you my good friend for making such an amazing honeymoon possible!!!

The Spa Pool Villa epitomizes the Banyan Tree experience of romance, indulgence and rejuvenation. Its elegant 'floating' bed pavilion is set amidst tranquil lily ponds; the king-sized bed is draped in pure Thai silk and looks up on a canopy ceiling adorned with soft fabrics that sway gently in the breeze. Your dedicated in-villa spa, private pool, jet-pool, outdoor shower and sunken bath set the stage for passionate nights and pure relaxation.

Passionate nights and pure relaxation are the order of the day :)

Finally we're getting our honeymoon. My husband (that always brings a huge smile to my face) is coming out for a visit, for two whole weeks! Apart from seeing Hong Kong and meeting all my awesome friends, I'm planning a real getaway. Time to pull in a favour from someone who owes me a few. Most likely, we'll be spending five nights at one of these resorts. As we don't want to travel too far, it will be either Bintan (Indonesia) or Phuket (Thailand).

Personally, I have my eye on this one: The Spa Pool Villa epitomizes the Banyan Tree experience of romance, indulgence and rejuvenation. Its elegant 'floating' bed pavilion is set amidst tranquil lily ponds; the king-sized bed is draped in pure Thai silk and looks up on a canopy ceiling adorned with soft fabrics that sway gently in the breeze. Your dedicated in-villa spa, private pool, jet-pool, outdoor shower and sunken bath set the stage for passionate nights and pure relaxation:

There will be lots of lounging around. Lots of pillow time. Skinny-dipping in our private pool. Getting sand between our toes (and who knows where else) on the beach. Some great food. Spa treatments. And even a round or two of golf. But best of all, we get some time together. For just us. We need that so very badly.

How He Makes Me Feel

People will forget what you said.
They will forget what you did.
But they will never forget how you made them feel.

~ Maya Angelou ~

Aint that the truth!! Just a few words of wisdom from an amazing woman and an amazing writer.

Today is our one-month anniversary and I would just like to announce....that I LOVE HIM beyond words. Hence no attempt to describe the love I have for him. I will never, I can never, forget how he makes me feel. And that is L-O-V-E-D, just simply and truly and absolutely, loved.

Tesoro mio, I love you, always and in all ways - and I'd write it in big letters across the sky, if I could. Happy Anniversary my precious husband.

Getting There

A milestone passed yesterday, in that I have signed all the forms and documents required to take my mother's estate to 'confirmation'. Once the tax man reviews it all and makes sure he's getting his slice of the action, then it goes to the Sheriff for final sign off. It always makes me think of Robin Hood when they refer to an official as being the 'Sheriff'.

After that, the interesting part will begin. Fair apportionment of the sum total of our parents' lives. It's a strange feeling doing this - while I don't mind taking on the responsibility, and it is definitely an honour to have that trust given to me, there's just a small part of it which feels as though I'm peering into something so very private about my parents' affairs. As though I'm rummaging through their bedside drawers. I'm thankful, though, at the same time, as all three of us will benefit in no small way from my father's hard work and my mother's prudence. My brother and sister most of all, as they don't really have much/anything to fall back on and this will make a true difference in their lives.

I'd still give up every cent of it, to have my parents back. I wonder if my siblings feel the same way, though. Their constant questioning of when the process will be over, of when we can sell the house, of when funds will be available, sickens me somewhat. I totally 'get' that they are looking forward to their inheritance, but do they have to seem so greedy about it? And, has either of them offered to help me with anything, even beyond the legal stuff I committed myself to handling?

No. Not once. It's all left in my lap, including now a problem with the seawall upon which the house sits. I'm in no better position to handle it than either of them. In fact in terms of hours, I'm the furthest away. But of course all they see is that it may entail the need to pay out ahead of the estate being settled and neither wants to be responsible for that. In the meantime, I've raked up an outstanding account of over five figures (in sterling!) paying for things which needed to be paid for. Don't worry, I'm keeping very close tabs on this and the first payment that can be made, will be reimbursing me for those outlays.

It really is at times like these, that you realise what you're dealing with, when it comes to 'family'.

Revealed

I've shared my ups and downs, my struggles, my triumphs and defeats. You've been with me through so very much over the past almost two years. I've worn my eyes in my profile since the start.

Today, I've decided to share some more:

The face around the eyes.

Death of a Blog?

I can't believe it's almost a week since I posted. Where did those six days go? Swallowed up by life and work and, well, if I'm honest, just work.

I received some good, sound, sage advice from the comments to my last post. About doing more for me and less for those around me. I don't know if I can just change such a prominent facet of my personality. I know there are times I need to, though.

I do want to post more, I have these elusive thoughts about what might make for a good post. But that's all they are these days, fluttering thoughts. I can't seem to grab even one, sit down with it, and thrash it out. Damn things just float away and I feel a sense of unfinished business with each and every one of them.

I start work every day before 7am and here I am, now, at almost 8pm (not that my work-day is over yet) and it's the first time I've had to sit and have a moment for Fiona. And what thought teases me? About how my blog is dying, that's what. And I'm not happy about that. This place has a huge investment of 'me' about it, so many things I've revealed to you, and at times even to myself as I wrote down words and put them into some kind of semblance. There are occasions when 'talking' to myself like this, has helped me understand some things about myself. About my motives, about my reasons, about my desires, about my needs, even about my own confusions.

This has been, probably, the most momentous year of my life. My mother's death and becoming an 'orphan'. The recognition, finally, of my abilities at work. My understanding of so many things in my past. And coming to terms with them all. My love affair and subsequent marriage to the man who has nurtured within me, my ability to be the best I can possibly be. That, alone, would have made this an exceptional year.

I don't want to let this place go. I found my true love through 'The Eyes Have It'. I want to put more here, more about how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, reflections of days past, dreams of days yet to come. I have more to say. So, no death here. Perhaps a long break now and then, but no, I'm not ready to put my blog to rest, just yet.

Hard

It's hard. Harder than I expected. We've been doing this for almost two years but that doesn't make it any easier. Every day of waking alone, of going to sleep alone, is harder than the one before. I feel the weight of the ring on my finger reminding me, taunting me almost, that it's not meant to be like this. We've done everything to prove to each other that we are committed to this relationship, that we believe in our future. We just have to decide when that future is going to start, with us being in the same corner of the world, together.

I ache for him. I ache for him physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I ache to smell him, taste him, touch him, hear him. I ache to be just close enough to see him smiling at me with all the love he has for me, shining from deep within him, through his beautiful blue eyes. I ache for the richness of his laughter when I say something that touches his funny bone. I ache to see that sexy mouth of his spread in a smile, knowing he hasn't had enough of those in his life. I ache to reach over and brush the hair off his forehead and feel him push against my hand without even thinking about it. I ache to hear him tell me about something he's read and which he thinks I'll find interesting. I ache to stand with my arms outstretched and have him walk right into my embrace. I ache to lie in bed all twisted up with him, trying to press as much of my bare flesh as I can, against his warm flesh. I ache to sit and eat with him, talking, sharing, being. I ache for the way his mouth tastes and feels, when we kiss. I ache for his warm breath on my neck as he sleeps. I just plain old ache for him.

Our love is obvious. As Jennifer, the barmaid at the Santa Fe hotel said to us, with a grin, serving up her delicious mojitos steeped in freshly muddled mint: "You know, the trouble with you two is that you just don't seem to enjoy each other's company!" We glow, we shine, we bathe in each other's light.

We're not sure when work schedules will allow us to have a visit. Two weeks, four weeks, two months even, perhaps. I know we've made our bed in which we rarely lie together, but yes, we have made this bed. For the time being. Because we're so damn practical. Economics to bear in mind. Work commitments to respect. Other people to put first.

Oh, I know all the rationales, the explanations. The fact that what we're doing is right on many levels: To avoid being selfish; to keep gainfully employed as we save for our future; to respect trusts placed in each of us. I can reason with myself, we can reason with each other.

But still, it sucks. Big time.

Blog Goodness

During the time I've been a blogger I've seen - and often responded to - people using birthdays as a time to help others instead of themselves; gentle nudgings towards good causes; and even more direct marketing to generate interest in a specific issue.

Jules of Jul of the Day did a wonderful thing on a birthday past, she got people to donate books to a shelter, rather than taking any birthday gifts herself. And she, herself, was a primary contributor to the success of the drive.

Now, a couple of people are doing something to help others, Violent Acres (and her April 4 post) as a way of a birthday challenge and The Dog's Breakfast (reference the April 4 post) by way of pointing us to a friend who is about to travel and contribute time and effort to some excellent causes. I love both of these. I am a supporter of the selflessness of using birthdays to generate good for other people, rather than ourselves. And being someone without the time or effort needed to support some of these causes, my way is by way of donating financially.

May I ask you all to take a look at these and see if you would like to participate in some way. I'm not soliciting (I don't like that word), but just opening up their efforts to a slightly wider audience, through my blog.

Thank you.

Fiona

The Big Black Hole

Growing up, I had a feeling that I was empty inside and there lived within me, a big black hole. Throughout so many of my years, I tried to fill it up.

First, I tried by shoveling food into myself. And developing eating disorders that took so long to later conquer. Disorders that, to this day, affect my relationship with food. Then I tried to find my worth through my work. Devouring the world around me until I crashed and burned. Frozen into inactivity, I couldn't function. For over a week, I said not one word to anyone, I just couldn't speak. Thankfully, I had people around me who pulled me close and watched over me until I found myself again. Later, I invested everything in a relationship based on need, his need for only what I could provide. In the mistaken belief that I could make his life better and thereby obtain his affection. But none of these worked. I remained, throughout it all, empty. Hollow. Echoing inside.

It is only now, so very recently, that I realise all I needed was the kind of love that taught me to love myself as a part of it. A love which has totally filled that black hole. Which has cemented over all my cracks. Which has turned any negativity I have held against myself, into a feeling of goodness and well-being. Which has altered every shade of grey I have ever felt, into bright hues of hope and joy.

I never thought I'd ever lose that deep, ingrained feeling of emptiness. I'm so grateful to have been found and in being found, to have found myself. I'm now experiencing what it's like to be loved with a purity and honesty that helps me define myself. To be allowed to love someone back, with the same purity and honesty that my soul has always searched for, has longed to find. And equally, has longed to give.

And one of the best things about all this - that such a big part of this love, is loving someone as much as he loves me. Sharing our lives, our futures, our hopes and dreams. Sharing our selves.

I Do

And we did, on 24th March!

While in Santa Fe, we eloped. While we work out the best of our several options, we are apart again, but not for too much longer. We just didn't want to wait, to be married.

To say we're both ecstatic, would be an understatement!

~~~~ 0 ~~~~

Irene Swain, our Officiant, has kindly given special permission to reproduce the words she spoke at our service (with the request that this is not duplicated for any other wedding, unless it is material quoted by an author), so that our friends and family may share in our special moment:

[TO THE COUPLE]: ________ and ______, face each other holding hands; so you may feel the gift that you are to one another.

Marriage, and the union it symbolizes, can be one of the most wonderful of human experiences; for Love, in its infinite manifestations, is truly what life is all about. Today, we come joyfully to acknowledge the commitment of ______________ and _____________, to share their lives in marriage.

The essence of this commitment we honor as marriage is the conscious choosing to live your life fully with another, in one’s entirety, as lover, companion and friend. It is therefore a decision that is not to be entered into lightly; rather undertaken with great consideration and respect for both one’s partner and one’s self.

"This Love of which I speak embodies patience; It looks for a way of being constructive. Love is not possessive; Love is neither anxious to impress; nor does It cherish inflated ideas of its own importance.

Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; Love can outlast anything. Love is in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen."

Love does not demand; Love compromises. Love does not possess; Love frees. Love softens our rough edges and strengthens our best qualities. Knowing we are loved inspires us and invites forth our best effort. Offering our love humbles us and cultivates an inner joy, an inner peace.

May we celebrate the choices made by someone dear, even when they run counter to our own desires. We are each blessed with a destiny, unique and necessary to ourselves and to the others in our lives. We must be allowed to travel our own individual path to fulfillment. Let us not bind one another and know real Love.

The realization of Love’s many levels is the highest experience that we human beings have; and this is the meaning of our lives. The sensual part of love is one of life's greatest joys, and when this is combined with real friendship and continued growth in understanding, both in the marriage are infinitely enhanced.

Love not only consists of gazing into each other's eyes, but of looking together in the same direction. The day-to-day companionship, the pleasure in doing things together, or in doing separate things, and in delighting to exchange these experiences, is a continuous and central part of what a man and a woman who love each other can share.

Marriage is the intimate sharing of two separate lives; yet this sharing must not diminish, but enhance the individuality of each partner. A marriage that lasts is one that is continually developing; and in which each person is individually developing while growing in understanding of the other.

Deep knowledge of another is not something that can be achieved in a short time and real understanding of each other's feelings can develop fully only with years of intimacy. This wonderful knowledge of one’s marriage partner, grows out of fully caring for each other so much, that one wants to understand as completely as possible what the other is thinking, feeling, and experiencing.

Thus it is possible to share not only your joys and successes, but also share those times of challenges, personal doubt, sorrow and feelings of failure. To be known in this way, to be understood and accepted in this loving manner, is a priceless, precious gift.

While marriage is the union and intimate sharing of two lives, it can enhance the differences and individuality of each partner. You must give yourselves in love; but you must not give yourselves away. A good and balanced relationship is one in which neither person is overpowered or absorbed by the other.

Thus, it is out of this tension and balance between separateness and union that Love, whose incredible strength is equal only to its incredible fragility, is born and reborn.

_________________ and ________________, you are both in love and you are in love with each other. To love is to create; is to laugh; is to play; is to share; is to dance; is to fly; is to prevail; is to grow; is to smile; is to dream; is to live!

We are joyfully gathered here today to celebrate the love which _______________and ___________ have for each other, and to give deep and loving recognition to their decision to love and accept each other totally without reservation. Into this state of marriage these two persons come now to be united.

These are the hands of your best friend, soft and strong, and full of love for you; that are holding yours on your wedding day, as you promise to love each other; today, tomorrow and for all your moments together. These are the hands that will work and play alongside yours; as together you create your today; thus your future. These are the hands that will hold you, when fear or grief assails your heart and mind. These are the hands, that will countless times, wipe the tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow and tears of joy. These are the hands, that will tenderly care for your children; and the hands, that will help you hold your family as one. These are the hands, that will give you strength and honesty, when you need it. And these are the hands, that even when wrinkled and aged, will still be reaching for yours; still giving you the same unspoken tenderness - with just a touch.

[TO THE GROOM] Do you ___________, take ___________ as your wife? Do you pledge to share your life honestly and openly with her; to speak the truth to her in love. Do you promise to honor and respect her; to cherish and encourage her fulfillment as an individual, through all the changes in your life together?

[TO THE BRIDE] Do you ___________ take ___________ as your husband? Do you pledge to share your life honestly and openly with him; to speak the truth to him in love. Do you promise to honor and respect him; to cherish and encourage his own fulfillment as an individual, through out all the changes in your life together?

(Minister asks for rings): These rings are made of precious metals, a symbol of the riches that reside within each of you. And as any metal is purified by the white heat of testing; so will your love be purified by the tests that are given to you through the many seasons of your loving.

REPEAT AFTER ME:

__________, I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am; all that I will become; and all that I have. I promise to stay by your side as your husband (wife); to respect and love you, without reservation; comfort you in times of sorrow; encourage you to achieve your goals; grow with you in mind and spirit; and cherish you, for as long as we both shall live.

As _______ and _________ have vowed to be evermore understanding, honest and loving toward each other; formalizing in our presence the existence of a stronger, greater, and more profound union between them; we bear witness to the ceremony they have performed - the ceremony that now names them - husband and wife.

I should like at this time to speak of some of the things, which we here present, and those not here, yet thinking of both of you, wish for you.

We wish for you a love that makes both of you better people; that continues to give you joy and enthusiasm for living; that provides you with energy, patience and understanding to face all the responsibilities of your life together.

May your hearts be filled with an abundance of generosity and gratitude towards each other. May you appreciate and compliment each other’s differences. May you be patient and kind toward one another. May you listen and hear each other; and walk together peacefully, while giving loving time and conscious attention to any differing points of view. And may your sense of humor and playful spirits always continue to enliven your relationship.

We wish for you a home - not just a place of stone and wood, but an island of higher understanding, tolerance and serenity, in a sometimes seemingly confusing, complicated world. We hope that your home becomes a place of personal, private joy and retreat, and also serves as a temple, wherein the values of your life are generated and upheld. We hope that your home stands as a symbol, of humans living together in love and truth, seeking harmony amidst any adversity. We hope that your home encompasses the beauty of nature; that it has within it the elements of simplicity, joy, love, truth, peace and a harmonious balance with all the rhythms of life. We wish for you a home filled with melodious sounds of kindness, laughter, welcome-ness, understanding - a home with all the characteristics, which represent the highest qualities of men, of women, of family.

We wish for you full, meaningful lives, enriched by your relationship with one another. In the years ahead may you say: Because you have loved and respected me, you have given me an ever deeper belief in myself; and because I have witnessed the good reflected through your words and actions toward others; I have received from you a faith in the goodness and caring of true humanity.

May these two people now married, keep this covenant which they have made. May you be a blessing and a comfort to each other; sharers of each other's joys; consolers in each other's sorrows; helpers to each other in all the elements of life. May you encourage each other in whatever you set out to achieve. In trusting each other, may you trust life; and not be afraid to live more fully. May you not only accept and give love and affection between yourselves; yet also together show kindness and consideration for others.

We can experience no greater truth from Love, than the truth to love more openly, more honestly, and more deeply. We can expect nothing from Love, except what Love gives. We do not always consciously choose what life experiences may manifest for us; but we can shape the spirit with which we shall meet them.

_______________and ____________, may all that you have already become, which has brought you to this day; and all you will become as a loving effect of it - in the lifelong joining of your hearts and your minds - continue to show you your purpose. May you always stretch your vision of who and what you are as a couple and as individuals. May you always be brought most beautifully and steadfastly into the presence of yourselves and of one another; and may you live long and happily fulfilling all that you are.

It is now my great pleasure and joy to present you for the first time as Mr. and Mrs. _____________!

___________, you may now kiss your wonderful bride!


Apache Blessing:

Now you will feel less rain for each of you will be shelter for the other. Now you will feel less cold, for each of you will be warmth for the other. Now there is less loneliness, for each of you are companion to the other. Now you are two individual persons, yet there is a joined life before you. May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years. May happiness be your companion and may your days together be good and long upon the earth. Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together. Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness, which your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulty and fear assail your relationship, as they threaten all relationships at one time or another, remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part which seems wrong. In this way, you can ride out the storms when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives; remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there. And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight. Go now to your dwelling place, to enter into the days of your togetherness, and may your days be good and long together.

Flying the Friendly Skies

Up up and away in just over 24 hours from now. I'm so excited. We both are!

And the fact we've managed to s-t-r-e-t-c-h another two days out of our busy schedules, to just 'be' together, is quite simply awesome.

Both our cameras are charged and ready, I've heard it's a great area for sightseeing. But first we'll have to get out of the hotel room. With reviews like this, it might not be so easy:

The rooms at the Inn of the Anasazi are not overly large, but they are very comfortable. We liked the southwestern-style cow-hide chairs, high table and fireplace in our room, but the real standout was the bed. The bed is so high off the ground that it comes with stairs to reach it – this is fitting, because the bed is so comfortable that you feel as though you’re sleeping on clouds. It was definitely difficult getting up each morning – if Santa Fe weren’t so pretty, with so much to see and do, we might have wanted to stay in bed longer.

It sounds like getting out of bed is going to be the biggest challenge of the entire trip. Mind you, even with a normal bed, my love and I do find that to be somewhat difficult.

Three Years

17 March 2005

An anniversary in my life. A sad anniversary. I lost my Dad on that day. My precious, beloved, brave, amazing, exceptional, adored Dad.

It doesn't seem possible that a whole year has passed since I wrote this.

I still miss him today, as much as I have every day for the past three years. So much has happened in my life, so much he'd be proud of. I took care of my Mum as best I could after he left, especially right at the end. I hope that helped the grief he must have felt about leaving her on her own.

I believe he would have been overjoyed to know that I have finally found the right man to share my life with. He would have poured him a drink and clinked glasses with him, telling him that he was happy for us - I know, too, that he'd have added something along the lines of "You'd better bloody well look after her young man, or you'll have me to deal with."

Well Dad, not to worry, I know he will. He's strong and good and kind and handsome and loving. He'll make you proud. And we'll drink to you on our wedding day and wish you were there with us. But I know you'll be watching over me that day, as you have every day since you left. I still feel you here with me but I do miss you so very, very much.

I always will.