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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Kaput

Gone. Finished. Over.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells, tired of being made to feel bad for making a reasonable request. 26 weeks of intense bonding thrown away in five minutes for refusing to compare something about him that I haven't even experienced, with someone I had realtime three years ago?

Why on earth would someone a) ask me what I will see in his eyes when we make love, when I haven't even seen his eyes in a picture and b) want to compare himself to someone I stopped seeing over three years ago? And c) when I refuse to even try to do that, he cites that as grounds for throwing me away?

Even if he somehow manages to redeem himself, an important part of us is broken. Irreparable.

Such a damn waste of a possible future.



You Don’t See Me


This is the place where I sit
This is the place where I sit
This is the part where
I love you too much
Is this as hard as it gets?
'Cause I'm getting tired
Of pretending I'm tough
I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and taken and
Tumbling and breakin'
'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could


I dream of worlds
Where you'd understand
And I dream a
Million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when
You're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke
When I turn on the light
I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?


'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would


This is the place in my heart
This is the place where
I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met?
And is this the last chance
That I'll ever get?
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you


'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would


'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

14 comments:

Dayli said...

Oh Fiona, I am sorry.
But being cuatiously optimistic here - sometimes things are still reparable. Even if they seem not to be.

Zibi said...

"And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could"

Awesome ....!

Miranda said...

Fiona - I know how hard it is. We were bonding online for a year when we finally met. Now we see each other 3-4 times a year. THis has been going on for 4 years now. I used to get the "what are you going to do when you first see me?" thing. *big hugs*. Im sorry for your pain.

I've no idea how far apart you two live, but all I can say is if I ever did this again, which I probably wouldn't, I dont think I'd do a l/d relationship further than three hours away. It's draining, emotionally and financially.

Fiona said...

Maybe yes Dayli...but how do you trust again, how do you deal with wondering if the axe will fall for no reason another day? This isn't the first time.

Isn't it just Zibi...I particularly like
"I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you"

Gosh Miranda my whole life has been long distance relationships, every single one of them. For us it's Hong Kong to Florida!!

I've done Hong Kong to Germany, Hong Kong to Italy/Sweden, Hong Kong to California, Hong Kong to Virginia, now Hong Kong to Florida. And yes, there is a definite lack of suitable men in Hong Kong!!!

Miranda said...

Hmmm....Ok, maybe move to Canada? j/k Im sorry, there just may be that one guy lurking about that will show up when you least expect it.

Fiona said...

oh my goodness that reminded me of Hong Kong to Kelowna!!!

damn Miranda if he's lurking he's doing waaaaay too good a job of it *L*

Steve said...

Fiona, deeeaaaarrr...
I'm so sorry, friend.

Did you write this beautiful poem?

"I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you"


That gets me right here (pointing to my heart)

Fiona said...

I wish I could write like that - it's the lyrics of a song...I prefer it without the music, it makes me feel so much when I read it Steve

Steve said...

It does me too...
it is so beautiful.

:)

Sunny Delight said...

Giving you the biggest hug, wanting to be there to wipe your tears...wanting to be there, so we can cry together, moan and bewail together, and in between those times trash and trample him, giggle and laugh during that...before we cry again!

As does dayli..I still look for some small glimmer..but whatever happens...I love you darlin'

These lyrics so brilliantly apply.

Fiona said...

Aaaaaah Sunny you do help in so many ways...mostly by understanding me and making me laugh...and I really REALLY needed to laugh yesterday and you came through with flying colours for me

big hugs

Dayli said...

"...but how do you trust again, how do you deal with wondering if the axe will fall for no reason another day? This isn't the first time."

I'm not sure I have an answer. But I think living with wondering if the axe will fall is better than living without an axe at all...
It's that axe that brings out the emotions in us (well, me) - good or bad - and without emotion - what else is there?

kate said...

Ok I say move. (I just got to Florida and it is great!=]) Its that simple! lol OK perhaps not...

I havent visited your blog before and got here via steve. I loved the song... and the sentiment. The thing that comes to mind with your saying that you have always had long distance relationships is that you may be looking for love in all the wrong places.

IK Easy for me to say as I am married and havent been looking for love in a long time... but I think that if you put yourself in an internet forum (and are looking), you will find love here(you are bright,interesting colorful and passionate. People will be drawn to you... omg that sounded like a horoscope! lmao)

If you find another avenue orsource... idk work, classes, dating service... I think people will be drawn to you as well! I do think it is more effort to be face to face and build the initial relationship, but the chances for survival are far greater statistically.

With all of this having been said, I feel your pain. I really do.

Fiona said...

aaaah Dayli tis true that at least it would give rise to feelings of some kind and I do need to feel.

I guess what I was trying to convey is that it falls for no reason, just a moment chosen by the other to push away. But then he always pulls back. All it takes is phrasing something 'wrong' or not responding to a request to cyber...gosh it can be anything really.

Kate, welcome and thank you for visiting and for the comments. Well, thing is I've always had long-distance (not always from online) because there are so few decent men here - and I'm not being melodramatic, most women would tell you the same thing. It is a very strange place for a single woman. If I was to go into it all I might sound racist but it's the reality of it - the 'white' male is so sought after here.

Oh and Kate, thank you for the lovely comments, really! Now you've got me singing in my head: "Lookin for love in all the wrong places, lookin for love in too many faces" *L*

 

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