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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Loving, Losing and Letting Go

But as she has grown, her smile has widened with a touch of fear and her glance has taken on depth. Now she is aware of some of the losses you incur by being here - the extraordinary rent you have to pay as long as you stay.

~ Annie Dillard ~

Sometimes it's easy to love someone. And sometimes it's difficult to love them too. Losing them is always so terribly hard and letting go can be the hardest of all. I wonder if we ever do let go of someone we've loved. I know that for each person I've ever loved, no matter the final stages of 'us', their memory is so often stirred up and brought back to my present. And I know I haven't let them go, nor will I ever let them go.

I believe each one will stay with me. As Zibi so aptly put it "they just get buried into the dark corners of the heart". So true. The dark, hidden, private corners where we can keep the memories safe and hold them there until we search for them and pull them out to become part of them again, much like digging deep into the back of a drawer and finding something precious that makes you smile. And at times makes you cry, just a little. Those warm tears that just flow from the eyes as you recall a special, precious unforgettable moment. Not tears of grief or loss, not tears of bitterness or anger. Neither of sadness or melancholy. But tears of remembrance and reflection.

I'm maybe a little selfish like that, in what I keep forever. When the time is right to let go we should, shouldn't we? Not me, I tend to hold on longer than is sometimes healthy for me or the other person. I hold on until I'm more than sure this won't work. And when I let go I do it with so much regret and pain that I just have to keep a little part of him for myself. A small piece of the person I've loved to keep my heart a little full, so that I may remember I was once loved too. Something to warm me on the cold nights alone, keeping company with my memories and wishes, those dreams of mine cut short and sometimes remembering the dreams I should never have had.

I love easily.

I lose only after I put up a fight.

I keep a little when I finally let go.

And like so many, I do pay that extraordinary rent.


Miranda said...

I dont think it really matters what happens. Love hurts, memories hurt. But hopefully we can get past that and think of the things that just made us happy.

Steve said...

"the dreams I should never have had."

no honey.

no, no, no.

how can anything ever be exactly like we desire, if we ever think that we should or can live without our dreams?

Sunny Delight said...

Fi--this is a beautiful post..and so true...i love your analogy to the precious treasure in the drawer....

I too have a very hard time letting go..each person I have loved has a place in my heart... on the good days I can bring up the warming memories...and remember that i was loved, and i loved them back...we have to keep a little...it makes us who we are.

Fiona said...

True Miranda - and hope that more happiness is in store :)

Well Steve when those dreams could have hurt people, they shouldn't have been...sometimes the fair and right thing is not to dream those dreams at all. To be fair to everyone.

It does make us a part of who we are doesn't it Sunny - a part of how we grow and learn. And oh how I hope that those I have loved (who are still with us) have kept a piece of me somewhere that will make them smile.

Zibi said...

We have a lot in common dear .. BTW I'm in South Africa ... not New Zealand

Fiona said...

Oh my goodness I'm sorry!! I saw you were in NZ *L* Duh Fiona.

More in common than you think. My brother lives in SA (Durban I think, can you tell we're not close!).

Steve said...

Be fair to your dreams.

The dream or thought that you reject forcefully will never leave you alone otherwise. I don't want my dreams to haunt me... so I find it is better to acknowledge it for what it is... and not say that it shouldn't ever have existed.

Denial never works for me. Acceptance does.

freebird said...

I saw your comment on Zibi's post but didn't want to hijack his site to answer you (so rude, don't you think?!) but now I've found yours, sooo....
I was quite moved by your comment, and now your whole post. I felt you had given me 'permission' to keep a place for memories of past loves, which I had always felt I should quickly sweep away from my mind if they surfaced unexpectedly. Why should I sweep them away?! They are part of my life, part of me and part of the people I loved. Yes, there was pain when I had to let go, but now I shall learn to treasure them again. Thank you.

Sunny Delight said...

Fi--I KNOW they have a piece of you that brings a smile, you are too beautiful inside and out for them not to have *hugs

Fiona said...

Steve - my dream doesn't haunt me, glad to say, because I have let it go. It had to be let go. All is good because noone got hurt. But the memories of the man will always be wonderful ones.

Freebird, good to see you here! Absolutely keep a part of someone you have loved. Once you do love, you never let go completely, something stays with you. Something that has changed you for having loved them :)

Sunny - I do hope so. Even the man who almost stole my self, gave me something. I hope his soul is at rest.

It's a bit disconcerting that the two I was closest to are no longer. Something went with them when they died, a validation of who I once was, perhaps.


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