Loving, Losing and Letting Go

But as she has grown, her smile has widened with a touch of fear and her glance has taken on depth. Now she is aware of some of the losses you incur by being here - the extraordinary rent you have to pay as long as you stay.

~ Annie Dillard ~

Sometimes it's easy to love someone. And sometimes it's difficult to love them too. Losing them is always so terribly hard and letting go can be the hardest of all. I wonder if we ever do let go of someone we've loved. I know that for each person I've ever loved, no matter the final stages of 'us', their memory is so often stirred up and brought back to my present. And I know I haven't let them go, nor will I ever let them go.

I believe each one will stay with me. As Zibi so aptly put it "they just get buried into the dark corners of the heart". So true. The dark, hidden, private corners where we can keep the memories safe and hold them there until we search for them and pull them out to become part of them again, much like digging deep into the back of a drawer and finding something precious that makes you smile. And at times makes you cry, just a little. Those warm tears that just flow from the eyes as you recall a special, precious unforgettable moment. Not tears of grief or loss, not tears of bitterness or anger. Neither of sadness or melancholy. But tears of remembrance and reflection.

I'm maybe a little selfish like that, in what I keep forever. When the time is right to let go we should, shouldn't we? Not me, I tend to hold on longer than is sometimes healthy for me or the other person. I hold on until I'm more than sure this won't work. And when I let go I do it with so much regret and pain that I just have to keep a little part of him for myself. A small piece of the person I've loved to keep my heart a little full, so that I may remember I was once loved too. Something to warm me on the cold nights alone, keeping company with my memories and wishes, those dreams of mine cut short and sometimes remembering the dreams I should never have had.

I love easily.

I lose only after I put up a fight.

I keep a little when I finally let go.

And like so many, I do pay that extraordinary rent.