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Monday, September 18, 2006

Love for Love's Sake

As I have grown personally, I have found over the years that my ability to love has changed. As has my reason to love. I don't love based on availability, nor the love being returned. I love from my heart and soul when it feels right, not when it fits the parameters of a love that can be.

It's not always neat and tidy and pretty. Loving someone can be rough and ragged, with torn edges and wounds to heal elsewhere. It can cause as much hurt as it brings joy. Not everyone wins when two people grow in love together. And love doesn't always win. Sometimes obligation does. But, and I know this for a fact, obligation doesn't complete a person. Loving and being loved do.

We don't choose who we love, love happens to us. I have never targetted someone to love, I have just grown in love. The sad part is that for almost all of the men I've loved, there in the back of their minds was someone else they would rather have been with. I endured lovemaking always in the dark, I have been called someone else's name right at the moment it was really the last thing I wanted to hear. There is nothing more vile, more soul-destroying, than realising the man making love to you isn't making love to you at all. I have, I'm ashamed to say, found my way into the email account of a man I was involved with, to get the proof he was playing with me while still declaring his love for his ex-wife. He kept lying to me and I needed the truth. Another time, I convinced myself that a man loved me enough to make changes in his life, which in truth I knew he never would.

These have all been learning experiences for me, relationships that have helped make me grow and in so many ways, helped me respect myself a little more with each lost 'love'. I am glad that I've been strong enough to walk from the relationships that were damaging me, as well as the ones that didn't enrich me. I have been a bridge for some men to find bigger happiness elsewhere, and they, too, have sometimes been a bridge for me to a better awareness of what I am and wish to be.

I am walking into the future full of hope, full of conviction that there is a man out there who will not only love me for who I am, but adore me for what I am not, yet. I already know his name and he knows mine.


doc-t said...

many of us have had those experiences as well (even us gusy) and those experieences suck on an infinite number of levels..

I wonder if you have a very close male friend or confidante. I find that most women do not or at least do not talk to him about the men they date..

and that is a huge mistake. Men know how men think and act... Get the man you're started to date to spend time with your male confidante... your friend will give you the low down...

as for me, I've learned to trust my sister's judgement... They're quite good at spotting the evil wenches who might suck the life out of me...

Steve said...

"there is a man out there who will not only love me for who I am, but adore me for what I am not, yet."

You mean, that person who, when you look into your lover's eyes, or hear your name being spoken (whether it is whispered or screamed), can tell you all sorts of things that you never knew about yourself?

You need that... and you should never hear someone else's name being spoken.

How very exciting, Fiona! :)

BTW, I would absolutely agree...

"obligation doesn't complete a person. Loving and being loved do."

Emily said...

Hi there

I have been reading you for a while, but have (shamefully) not commented.

But I have just added you to my blog roll

chele said...

You truly cannot choose who you love no more than you can choose who you dont love. Life is far to short to live it unhappily and to possibly miss out on that love that you have yet to exp. Don't waste a day on someone you dont feel that "spark" for at the expense of one you do.

Fi as always, you know I want to very best for you and no matter what or who it may be..my love for you wont ever change. But ima tell ya right now..I still aint done with the last fool that hurt you so the next one that comes along better be good to ya. Hell hath no fury like a pissed off redhead *grins and acts tough*(are you laughing yet cause I know you can hear me saying that in my ol southern drawl)

Fiona said...

Hi doc-t *S* welcome. I've found men are not as eager to share their experiences...while we women will talk and talk and talk about them with each other *S*

Steve...yes that exact person who, when hearing their name either whispered or screamed...finally knows why they exist.

Emily...a big warm welcome and thank you!

Chele...you've always been in my corner and I know you have your fears for me now too. But I know you understand me better than anyone, having seen me over the past few years go from a needy (in a bad way) woman into one able to hold her own...and damn I hear ya in that accent of yours and he's still skeered of you *L*

Sunny Delight said...

I so agree with you, each time we love, we learn, the lessons are almost always painful, but when we get past the pain, if we are are brave enough we keep our hearts open for that next time. It is so much easier to want to close off, and not let the chance of pain come knocking again.

It is the loving, and letting them love us in return that is important, It is a sad fact of my life that I am just now learning to allow myself to be loved in return, to accept that someone loves me, in whatever way they are capable of....

I have been on the opposite end of your vileness, of making love to a man and wishing it were another, and that shames me to the core of my being. But in my current circumstances, in my world of "obligations" I know of no other way to get through it with his pride, and self respect intact. I love him, but do not love him if that makes sense. I pray that he never learns of my interior deception, I wish no harm on him, in fact my dearest wish for him is that he find a woman that can love him in the way he needs and deserves...unfortunately she is not me.

You my friend deserve the very best!

I also agree with chele's points, we cannot choose who we love, god I have tried!

*stands beside chele and flexes my muscles* NO man wants two pissed off redheads on his case!

Sending you a giant BUSTYGURLZRULE! HUG.... :)

Fiona said...

hahahahahah trust me you two would be a force to be reckoned with!!!!

I know Sunny how hard it is for you and yes, I understand about loving someone but not LOVING them...I understand about not wanting to hurt someone but still not being able to love them, to sacrifice for them.

You will find your love Sunny, I know you will. Chele did (beaming at her). I think if you can get away with making love to someone and 'seeing' someone else there, without them knowing, it can't hurt them. But once you know, it's the most awful feeling in the world.

Bustygurlzrule!!!! Especially we red-headed ones *L*

chele said...

aww no..I have a tiny problem..I'm not busty by no means..*frowns*

But hey I can still be part of the club cant I!!

You know I never thought I'd find my perfect(well sometimes) man. I searched high and low and made a bazillion mistakes but he came along finally. I used to wonder what love felt like cause I knew I was never really in love with anyone. Now I know..its a beautiful thing but it can be so cruel all in the same breath. I wish both you redheads much love in your lives..have faith!

Fiona said...

you can share some of mine chele....plenty to go around *L*

chele said...

haha! yes yes I cant agree more!

Anonymous said...

Very well put Fiona, but then this blog becomes a bit morose with all the depth of those that have lost being added. Love yourself and have faith. No I'm not religious but have spent a long time to find that if you can live with and entertain yourself then that's a great start. It sounds like your getting there yourself. Even in obligation from what was thought to be a past love especially where children are involved can still come moments of enrichment and peace. I feel that It is dependancy on what the other person gives you or asks you to provide can be the high and yes sometimes the low point of any relationship the secret I hope is to enter any relationship with your eyes wide open always and to hold off on wild expectations and imaginings these are your needs being manifest in the world. Live long and fill your life with small smiles. ; ) GC


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