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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Well, I For One...

....am glad they are all over. The Christmas festivities. I always find it an odd time of year, it stirs in me something I can't quite put my finger upon.

Growing up we had the tree and the presents and the Christmas lunch. The decorations, the wishes sometimes, but not always, met. I believed in Santa Claus for a while, then my lovely brother put paid to that childhood dream, like so many.

Nowadays, I choose not to celebrate it. I don't decorate, I don't do that many gifts (very strictly limited to those I care about), I don't do parties (except for the one I have to help organise for the office), I don't do silly hats or lit-up brooches or anything at all like that.

But I can't deny that something filters in to me. Something makes me feel like I'm missing out. Perhaps it's to do with being alone. Too wrapped up in me. It's a time of year with too many days off, too much time to reflect. I get blue, no doubt about it.

And this year I ended up arguing with someone I care about more than anyone on this planet. Someone I love and love very deeply. A stupid pointless argument and I'm not even sure why I did it. Except, perhaps, to get his attention. I think that might have been it. I was so jealous of other people getting a bigger piece of him than I knew I would over the holidays, even though they deserve more of him than I do. So I picked a fight about something that shouldn't even matter to me. And I could feel myself doing it, but I was unable to stop. He shouted at me at one point and that's probably what broke through to me because I remember going very, very quiet and just listening to him. Having no argument, because there was no argument. Yes, I think my silly, petty jealousy was behind it.

And he, in his caring way, has found time to spend with me during the busy holidays, has made time for me in so many ways. And that's one of the reasons I love him so very much. Because he can see through me, he can see the potential of me. And he cares so very deeply about my feelings - it was important to him to make my alone days, less alone. He knows how to, and does, support me on so many levels. He knows how to, and does, love the promise of a better me, as well as the me of today. Actually, he will play a big part in the better me, that I know without a doubt.

I'm learning, still learning. Learning always and in all ways. And best of all, learning with him and through him.


Matt Kohai said...

Ah, Fiona, you're as human as the rest of us. Despite the outward "bah-humbuggery" you're still feeling like there's a certain level of connectedness that occurs this time of year, and that you're missing out on it somehow.

This person - I'm guessing you care about him a great deal, but he has other obligations that keep you from spending the time together you'd like. You want more, and it's easy to get upset over it. I know - I had a year, back in my early twenties, when I spent Christmas utterly without a friend or family member, having a lonely dinner in a pub that was vacant when I arrived, packed when I left (midnight mass had let out, y'see), and I went home and cried myself to sleep. I very nearly had another similarly miserable Christmas Eve this year, after a massive fight with my wife and checking into a hotel room - were it not for the invitation of my best friend to join her and her family and boyfriend, I would have spent it alone aside from having to go to work that night (yes, I work nights in a 24/7 business, and it has its perqs and drawbacks - the holidays being a big drawback).

All I can say is make sure he knows how badly you feel about the fight, and cherish what little time you do have together rather than squandering it and feeling so rotten for it afterwards. (Yeah, I'm good at pointing out the obvious, I know...)

Have a better New Year.

Fiona said...

Ach Matt, now everyone knows I'm human ;)

Happily, I'm back to my normal self, feeling useful always helps a lot!!

I'm sorry you've been having a rough time of it all, I've been reading about it on your blog. I wish you better days ahead Matt.

I do believe 'he' knows how much I value and love him - and I'm about to up and off across the Pacific again in just over a week, for a very quick visit, so I'll have ample opportunity to SHOW him. :) <-- a very big one!!


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