Well, I For One...

....am glad they are all over. The Christmas festivities. I always find it an odd time of year, it stirs in me something I can't quite put my finger upon.

Growing up we had the tree and the presents and the Christmas lunch. The decorations, the wishes sometimes, but not always, met. I believed in Santa Claus for a while, then my lovely brother put paid to that childhood dream, like so many.

Nowadays, I choose not to celebrate it. I don't decorate, I don't do that many gifts (very strictly limited to those I care about), I don't do parties (except for the one I have to help organise for the office), I don't do silly hats or lit-up brooches or anything at all like that.

But I can't deny that something filters in to me. Something makes me feel like I'm missing out. Perhaps it's to do with being alone. Too wrapped up in me. It's a time of year with too many days off, too much time to reflect. I get blue, no doubt about it.

And this year I ended up arguing with someone I care about more than anyone on this planet. Someone I love and love very deeply. A stupid pointless argument and I'm not even sure why I did it. Except, perhaps, to get his attention. I think that might have been it. I was so jealous of other people getting a bigger piece of him than I knew I would over the holidays, even though they deserve more of him than I do. So I picked a fight about something that shouldn't even matter to me. And I could feel myself doing it, but I was unable to stop. He shouted at me at one point and that's probably what broke through to me because I remember going very, very quiet and just listening to him. Having no argument, because there was no argument. Yes, I think my silly, petty jealousy was behind it.

And he, in his caring way, has found time to spend with me during the busy holidays, has made time for me in so many ways. And that's one of the reasons I love him so very much. Because he can see through me, he can see the potential of me. And he cares so very deeply about my feelings - it was important to him to make my alone days, less alone. He knows how to, and does, support me on so many levels. He knows how to, and does, love the promise of a better me, as well as the me of today. Actually, he will play a big part in the better me, that I know without a doubt.

I'm learning, still learning. Learning always and in all ways. And best of all, learning with him and through him.