Why Does She Do This To Me?

"I've given you power of attorney. My lawyer will send you the papers to sign. It means you will have control over everything, so don't deplete my bank account."

And I'm like....what?!?!?!?

I gently explained that I would never do such a thing, that I respect my father's wishes and will do everything in my power to see them followed through. That I would NEVER take something that's not mine. She knows me better than that. Why does she have to say such things? For goodness sake, she's given me this responsibility instead of my older brother, for the very reason she knows I'm more trust-worthy.

Then she tells me that I will be the one to make the decision on when to "pull the plug". Whoah there woman. No. I told her that she is quite capable now, of making her wishes known in that respect.

Does she wish to be put on a ventilator when that time comes? Decide now.

Would she want resuscitation if she goes into cardiac arrest? Decide now.

I told her I will make sure her wishes are observed, but I will not make the decisions for her. That she is able to put things into place now to document her choices.

I used the opportunity to open up a discussion about what she would like with regard to her final resting place. As, when my dad died, there seemed to be four different versions of what he wanted, depending on whom you spoke with. She said to me: "Just put me in the fire and tell them to get rid of the ashes."

Yes, I know, I know, she's obviously at odds with herself with the inevitabilty of her own situation. I know that I need to consider so many things that she is facing. But I was aghast. So I said, would you like me to bring you back to where Dad is? To which I got - I don't want any of that pallaver. I assured her I would do it quietly. I would even do it myself. I would do that for her. "No" was her answer.

It seems I'm supposed to tell the undertaker: Burn her and dump the ashes. Does she see me in that light? Capable of doing that?

My mother continues her battle, daily, with lung cancer and COPD. She has chosen not to undergo any treatment. She resists even palliative care, surrounds herself with, although well-meaning, sycophants. She presses them into arguing with me when I try to talk to her about the reality of her situation. Actually she's chosen to chase her own death. Her cigarette consumption is up. She misrepresents how she feels and what she is capable of, physically, to her doctors, making it hard for them to help her effectively. I know, I get the reports. She authorised their release to me, so she's aware I read her lies. She tries to engage me in arguments about it. I refuse to be drawn into them.

I'm trying so hard to help her towards the end gently, with all the support I can give her. I'm trying to be a good and true daughter. Why the hell can't she be a loving mother, even now?