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Friday, August 10, 2007

Lives Interrupted


There are times in our lives when our actions, our needs, our wants, impact others who had no idea this might, or even could, happen.

Two young lives have recently been interrupted by the needs and wants of two adults, one of whom they don't even yet know exists. In time, they will. And in time I hope I might become their friend. My greatest wish is that they come to know how important their father's happiness is to me. That I want to be in his life in a way that will help him be happier than he has been for a long time. And in a way that will help to support him as their father.

We were two people living our lives when we bumped into each other in here. We both found something of interest in the other, something we could each relate to. He spoke of his family, his work. I spoke of my family, my work. He wanted to know more about me, I wanted to know more about him. Gradually we opened ourselves to each other, sharing on a deeper level, sharing parts of our souls. Talking of our dreams, desires, needs. Of our failed and failing relationships. Our friendship grew. We offered companionship and understanding to each other. I shared my experiences in life, hoping these would help him with his. His insight brought a new perspective to my past, and he helped me see things very differently than I had before. We grew closer and closer until we decided we wanted to meet. It wasn't a decision taken lightly, and while we both understood the possible consequences, it didn't have the outcome either of us anticipated or intended. Interest led to love, love led to wanting each other, wanting each other led to discussions about how we could be together, discussions led to plans and the plans are coming to fruition.

Our eyes were, and are, wide open. Both of us know this will be a long road to travel. A long and at times painful road. More for him than for me on an emotional front. Which is why I have never asked for anything, never given an ultimatum. This is his decision, for his future, as well as mine. All along I have just believed that we were meant to be together and therefore we would be. It came down to having faith. I have always had faith in us.

At no point, have his children ever been forgotten. While their lives have been interrupted, they are in no way being pushed aside. So far, they have responded well to what has happened. The time he spends with them now, is of a different quality and depth. They plan things together, they devote time to being together. It's no longer just meeting over the dinner table or driving them to an activity. He doesn't sleep in the same house, but he shows his love for them every day.

These children are important to us. Everything we plan, includes them. Everything he is doing now, includes them. For me, it's vital that they know they will always be the most important people in his life, that they will always be a part of him. He will always be their father and I have taken it upon myself to relocate so that he can stay close to them and be part of their daily lives. I will do everything I can to provide them with a second loving environment, one I hope they will choose to sometimes share with us. We will make provisions for them to be with us, whenever they wish.

I know some of you are probably thinking, if they are so important, why did she take their father from their home? I didn't. He left because he had been so unhappy for so long. And he had tried to make things work, he had done a lot to work things out between himself and their mother. But she found loving him, simply too onerous. Too much of an effort. He was tired of alternately begging or bugging her for intimacy. An intimacy she simply didn't want to give him and hadn't for a long time. There were times early on when I questioned and questioned and questioned what we were doing, if it was the right thing. I admit that I tried to push him back into the relationship, as much as it hurt me to do so. I needed to know, as much as he did, that we were doing the right thing. That there was no way to save the relationship he was in.

These two young lives have been affected by this, as much as by my arrival in his life. So much busy-ness was created around them, to the point the parents had no time for each other. It was designed that way. There was always something needing to be done, time stolen from what relationships need to survive and thrive. Parenting is a time-consuming thing, no doubt, but when one person in a relationship refuses intimacy on an ongoing basis, or wants to schedule it, reluctantly, like it has become a chore, something is going to give, somewhere.

I know my existence has had an impact on these lives. I know I have interrupted them. It wasn't a decision taken lightly by either of us, in fact we have both agonised over it. It is also one which will entail a long wait until we can be together. But our love is strong, our love is mature, our love will get us through to the other side. And yes, sometimes the grass IS greener on the other side. It is for us and it will be for the two young lives that are an unshakable part of the man I love. They are the most important people to consider in all this. Everyone else is an adult and will deal with the events as they unfold. And hopefully take responsibility for what has happened, where it deserves to rest. I know I have.

19 comments:

deb said...

You may end up being a mother after all, surprise! I don't think either of you undertook this decision lightly. I wish you the best, for yourselves and for his children.

Jonas said...

Clear eyes in combination with loving hearts and earnest souls can lead to wondrous outcomes...

Laurie Anne said...

Fiona, how amazingly loving and generous that is ..... to acknowledge their importance ....sweet

Gillette said...

Kids are smart. They know and respond to love. They'll feel your heart and will now have a good example of what a loving relationship can be. They'll have a father who is happy and feels loved...so that will spill over to them.

You have Blessed these children, Fiona.

George said...

Thank you for thinking of the children ... you're right, no matter ultimately how important you will be for him, they will be as important but in a different way. What you are doing is the most unselfish thing that can be done and to do it with love is wonderful. I think you should change your name to angel

Joker The Lurcher said...

for a while i have been meaning to send a link to your blog to someone i know who is a green-eyed woman from hong-kong and now i must! she is dealing with very similar issues just now and she is carrying her partner's baby too so there is another little person about to make an appearance

kimba said...

Fiona.. since I first met you we have shared a lot of intimate things.. we've chatted offline - you ahve given me advice and I have bawled you out about things.. we have had our ups and downs and still we care a lot about each other.. a lot..

So all of this just makes me think.. why didn't you want to have a relationship with me?

Fusion said...

You're both doing this out of love Fiona, and that's the best reason. Hopefully the children will realise it as time moves on.
All my best to you both.

Sally-Sal said...

You've opened his eyes to love, to happiness, to all that's good in life and love.

Love isn't wrong. That's what we as human beings are made for. To love, and to be loved.

Finding the person you can love, who loves you in return... I can think of nothing more beautiful.

Just by knowing the amazing woman you are, I have no doubt that his children will become yours.
It will be rough at first (understandably), but you will win them over, Fi. There's just something wonderfully magnetic about you.
You draw people to you with your grace, your caring, that beautiful soul that is apparent by the beauty in your eyes, as well as your physical self.

The hardest part is over. You are together. Your love is strong enough to weather any sort of emotional turbulence you may encounter.

The bond you share has made it through this distance, and somehow, strengthened the love you share.

Where ever you call home, isn't the most important thing.

The fact that your two bodies will be close is something I'm sure you've dreamed of, and that is wonderful beyond all measure.

The truly wondrous part of this story is the way your two hearts, though miles and oceans apart, beat as one.

Love you.

Fiona said...

Deb - I would so love to be allowed to play a part in these young lives, I feel I can offer them something :) Thank you!!

Jonas - Tis true, it has been our clear vision, our love and the truth behind the love, which have brought us to our outcome ... and wondrous it is! :)

Laurie Anne - There is no way I would want it any other way, and there is no way I would want a man who would turn completely from his children. He never had to ask this of me, I just know it is part of our future :)

Gillette - I'm hoping they will and I will do my best to give them a loving home, a sense of security and real love. They are a part of the man I love, I want to love them too. I think, if they allow it, they will bless me too :) Thank you for your wonderful words :)

George - I'm no angel ;) But I do know he needs his children as much as they need him. There were never any 'I'll do this if' between us. We just knew what we needed to do, the changes we'd both need to make, to be together. And being together is what we truly believe in :)

Joker - Wow that's amazing...please DO send me the link!!! :)

Kimba - You came on the scene too late LOL...you nut!!!! We have a great relationship, being able to call each other up on some things. And you truly did help me in facing my truth!! Thank you for that :)

Fusion - I do want them to SEE what a loving relationship is...and to feel it. To spend time with us, to share our home with us when they wish to. My fervent hope is that we will become somewhere they wish to be :)

Oh Sal - Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love him beyond words. There are days I sit and think and am always amazed at how lucky we are to have found each other. How the geography was overcome, how the time apart is constantly being overcome. With our goal in sight, we can handle anything, I know that!! And his children MUST be in our lives for us to be happy together :)

D said...

Fiona I am sure you will bring only enhanced joy and enlightenment to the two lives that are going to be altered forever during the next coming months. You will be an excellent step mother and hopefully in the longer term their natural mother will see you as a person enriching her childrens lives. I know that is a rare occurrance but if it can happen then the children will truly benefit everyway they turn.

kissmekate said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fiona said...

Kate...sad, bitter Kate. You don't know the whole of the story, you don't know what he's been through.

As for the lying you accuse him of, don't judge all men by your husband.

I haven't fallen for any game. Instead I am able to give him the love he didn't get from her.

I've said before, I stand proudly by him, and by our love, and I always will.

Please don't judge all relationships against the standards of your own.

I've stayed away from commenting negatively on your board, despite some very itchy fingers.

Perhaps you'd extend the same respect by not talking of the things you know nothing of, here?

Thank you and take care of you.

Fiona said...

I don't like it when people delete their comment, especially after someone else, me included, has responded. This is the post kissmekate left and to which I replied. I never suggested she should remove what she said, only that she didn't presume to know things she doesn't and then post them as though they are fact.

kissmekate has left a new comment on your post "Lives Interrupted":

Fiona you know my view point on this. And I am sorry but my comment is going to sound very harsh.

Did you think about those two lives whilst he was with his wife? Have you ever stopped to consider taht he may have been able to work on his marriage with ALL OF HIS HEART AND STRENGTH had he had no outside influences?

Have you ever stopped to think that what he has told you about his relationship with his wife was all lies?

Do you honestly believe that she was not intimate with him?
Or was he just telling you that so you felt sorry for him and slept with him? In my opinion he played you, and like all men that are willing to cheat on their spouses he became capable of telling the most amazing lies because he KNEW what he wanted.

Unfortunately, as a woman, you fell for his game.

I only hope that you are not hurt from this Fiona. No woman deserves to be second best.


Posted by kissmekate to The Eyes Have It at Mon Aug 13, 07:16:00 PM HKT

MariaG097 said...

WOW! I only hope that mine has a happy ending as yours did.

Fiona said...

Maria - I hope your relationship works out well for the two of you.

anna said...

I am so very happy for you and for him and for his children too... and maybe even for his wife. Maybe now she can find someone to love as well. I hope she sees it the same way and I hope all adults involved help this process go as smoothly and as painlessly as possible.

I'm so happy, I wish I could hug you.

Fiona said...

Anna - thank you for your words. I agree that hopefully this will work out well for her, too. I want all the adults to play nice for the sake of the kids. I know two of us already have the best of intentions :)

Sunny Delight said...

You are a wise, and loving woman, I would expect no less of you...and they are better to have you in their lives...it already sounds like they have more of their father...and that is as it should be. (((HUGS)))

 

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