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Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Whether with or without my glasses at the moment, nothing seems clear. I see everything in a distorted light. I'm confused. Muddled.

My family gets to me. No, wait, I let them get to me. Every time, because they know my buttons. And every time, I expose them. Why, as adults, do we continue to let ourselves be so affected by those we haven't chosen to be in our lives? Steve posted something in a similar vein, just yesterday.

I was looking forward to my trip. And by the second day I was so miserable, I just wanted to come home. To be home. Well, one of my homes. I now have two. The physical environment with my furniture and my name on the lease is one home. My second home is with the man I love, the togetherness we feel is 'home' for us.

It was hard being in Tenerife, surrounded by the memories. Being in the apartment where I experienced so much unhappiness. Sleeping in the bed I had once shared with the man who almost destroyed me. Every visit, I tell myself I can handle this, I'll be alright, enough time has passed. But each time I'm there, I lose my sense of self. The memories pulsate deep within me and I feel as though they crawl up to just under the surface of my skin. I feel detached from me. It got so bad one night, I was in tears simply because my sister wouldn't turn her stereo down in the small hours of the morning when I was trying to sleep. She was drunk and kept playing with the volume. Turning it down then back up again. I called my love and he spent time with me, helping me, talking me through it. I don't know what I'd have done without him, thankfully I didn't need to find out.

Her drinking really affected me. My sister is a really wonderful woman with a fragile disposition and a poor sense of self. Hell, I know how that feels, I've struggled with my own self-esteem all my life. When she drinks, she turns nasty. Usually against me. There is something so very wrong at the heart of her relationship with me. I suspect it's jealousy. I conformed and she didn't. She refused to apply herself to anything and is now paying the price. I help her as much as I can and even that she spat back in my face during one of her drunken episodes. She hates me for being able to help her. I tried to explain that's not really it. That it's more about her hating herself for not being able to be self-reliant.

Then there was the time spent with my Mum. That's for another post. A deeper hurt. Right now it all feels like this:

I know that's a rose, I believe it's a rose. But it's all distorted. I want to see the rose. Smell the rose. Feel the rose.


Fusion said...

I sorry it was so hard on you Fiona.
I think poor self-esteem is one of the hardest things to overcome, because it is at the very core of our being, and it effects every aspect of our lives.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that it was so hard on you Fiona.

There was a lot in your post I could relate too. I'm sorry that you've gone through some of the things you have. But it's made an incredible woman!



Sunny Delight said...

Awww, I was so afraid this trip would leave you feeling out of sorts......but what you write....so much in your heart my friend, so much.

You know why the detachment is there, we need it, it is how we have learned to survive. Sadly you are your families strength...yet they are not able to give that same back to you...

You have relied so very long on your own inner strength and you are strong, you are powerful...most especially at loving.....my only hope is that in her lucid moments your little sis does appreciate you, what you have done for her.....the daily om had a lot to say on this matter today....

I appreciate you, I know it is from a very far distance.....but I do...and I am sure...no....I know...your Love does to.

Sending you a *wrap my arms around you nurturing hug*......like one I have sent before....you need mothered my friend... I wish I was there to do it.

Fiona said...

You are right fusion, it is the hardest thing. But it's wrong when we use it against others. That's her way I suppose of dealing with it. She said and did many things during her drunken state, things that I didn't rise to for fear of huge arguments, but maybe I'll write to her.

Ob, thank you. I'm not sure I'm incredible, just a survivor that sometimes struggles with things still. Hugs back atcha *S*

Sunny..thank you thank you thank you. I've never been mothered, not even in my youth so your hugs, your nurturing hugs, do feel so very good. I read that daily OM too and thought the very same thing....I believe it's this one....

Choosing Not To Be A Target
Emotional Attacks

Hurtful confrontations often leave us feeling drained and confused. When someone attacks us emotionally, we may wonder what we did to rouse their anger, and we take their actions personally. We may ask ourselves what we could have done to compel them to behave or speak that way toward us. It's important to remember that there are no real targets in an emotional attack and that it is usually a way for the attacker to redirect their uncomfortable feelings away from themselves. When people are overcome by strong emotions, like hurt or anguish, they may see themselves as victims and lash out at others as a means of protection or to make themselves feel better. You may be able to shield yourself from an emotional attack by not taking the behavior personally. First, however, it is good to cultivate a state of detachment that can provide you with some protection from the person who is attacking you. This will allow you to feel compassion for this person and remember that their beha! vior isn't as much about you as it is about their need to vent their emotions.

If you have difficulty remaining unaffected by someone's behavior, take a moment to breathe deeply and remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong, and you aren't responsible for people's feelings. If you can see that this person is indirectly expressing a need to you-whether they are reaching out for help or wanting to be heard-you may be able to diffuse the attack by getting them to talk about what is really bothering them.

You cannot control other people's emotions, but you can control your own. If you sense yourself responding to their negativity, try not to let yourself. Keep your heart open to them, and they may let go of their defensiveness and yield to your compassion and openness.

Steve said...

Wow...great Daily OM...
It speaks loudly to me too...

It is so hard sometimes to rise above the negativity that you sense from others. Especially when they "hit" you with it, over and over again, like throwing poisoned darts. It is hard not to let it get into your system.

That is when it is so good to be able to talk to a friend that you respect, that can maintain their optimism...and show you that there can be more to this, than maybe you are able to see right now.

Matt Kohai said...

Fi, I doubt there's a soul among us that doesn't have family issues. You don't get to choose your family members, you just have to put up with them... It was good that your beau was able to give you the strength you needed. We all need a person to lean on now and then - and you have yours.

Matt Kohai said...

PS check out Sally's blog, she has a really relevant quote up there.

Sally-Sal said...

Feel the rose? Smell the rose?

Fi, you *are* the rose, darlin.

Love you,


Fiona said...

Tis true Steve and I'm ever so lucky to have that friend (and more) who is there for me and comforts me and helps me see the sunshine through the clouds :)

I know Matt, I absolutely agree and I am the luckiest woman in the world to be loved by the man who loves me :):):)(checked out Sally's board, thank you)

Sally....thank you, that is so f'ing sweet!!! You're a bit of a blossom yourself ;)


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