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Friday, May 25, 2007

Fear and Promise

Every time, beyond the joy and love, I'm afraid. Of the what ifs. What if this doesn't go where I want it to go? What if it turns out I'm not quite good enough for him? What if he doesn't choose me? What if I show him parts of me, he can't bring himself to love? What if the gods are merely laughing at me again? But all I can do is love him.

Why do I stay? Because I love him with an intensity I've never known before. Because I believe in 'us'. Because we deserve each other and the happiness we can bring to one another. Because he is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me and he says the same about me. Because I know we appreciate each other. Because we are truly who we are, when we're together. Because I've been in enough relationships to know that he is 'the one'. Because I can't breathe without him. And all I can do is love him.

I know, only too well, that there are no guarantees. And that even promises can vanish into thin air. But I believe in the promise of our togetherness, without there being any promises. Yes, I have fears and most of them are in my mind, because he's never given me anything but his love. When our eyes meet, when our hands clasp together palm to palm, when I see his smile and I know who he really is, I believe. I believe way past any obstruction or barrier.

I will do everything I can to be with this man, to love him the way he should always have been loved. My most fervent wish is, he will do the same.


kimba said...

lovely.. people will be quoting you in years to come I am sure..

George said...

Fiona ... we are always afraid when something is so good, so overwhelming,so wonderful that we are afraid of losing it. It takes work to keep it going, no matter how perfect you think it is. I frequent a site that I think you might enjoy ... http://theartofintimacy.blogspot.com/ ... lots of great advice and thoughts about keeping intimacy alive in a relationship.

Unspoken Drama said...

AMEN!! AMEN!! AMEN!! You have written precisely what is in my heart and in my mind, but much more eloquently!


Sunny Delight said...

I have the same wishes for you!

A lot of what ifs? But, the dreams are wonderful...and dreams do come true.....I finally know that! Big hug!

Fusion said...

Just beautiful Fiona, what a description of what love is, in all it's imperfections. I like what George said...
and Kimba too, you are always so full of wise sayings ;)

Fiona said...

Kimba - Fusion is right, you are quotable too! And thank you :)

George - thank you for the site, I'll look at it. We seem to have no problem keeping the intimacy alive, just need more opportunity to be intimate with each other :)

Drama - kindred spirits :)

Sunny - thank you my sweet woman. I've just read your post about dreams coming true and it has lifted my spirits no end! :) Big big hugs

Fusion - I wouldn't want perfection, I've never liked it. It's the imperfections of life, and ourselves, that make it, and us, what and who we are. Wonderful and unique. :)

kimba said...

aaaaahhhh Fusion just flatters me cos he wants to get into my pants.. *wink*

and your flattery fiona? I hope you don't want the same..? Although they are big pants I have.. :)

Fiona said...

LOL Kimba - I thought he'd already been there (and got the t-shirt to match)?

Holding up my briefs...beat THOSE if you can!!

Miranda said...

wow...I so know how you feel.

anna said...

I know that past bad experiences make you want to guard yourself and that we too often have that "if it feels like it's too good to be true, it probably is" feeling racing through our paranoid minds. However, I wonder if part of the doubts and fears come from the fact that this is a long-distance relationship. After all, the few times you do spend together are always "vacation" time. It is never really "real life" with all of "real life"'s problems.

Please know that my words aren't meant to diminish the relationship. It is very real, as are the feelings. However, it is a very protected and limited reality. (I hope I'm being coherent and don't sound condescending. Please know that isn't my intent at all.)

Fiona said...

Miranda - we'll both be strong :)

Anna - I do understand what you're saying and I'm sure it has been on a lot of people's minds, that he and I live only during vacation moments, unreal time. Actually, truth is, we've never been on vacation together :) Our time, when we meet physically, is constrained by work schedules and the stress of balancing both when we also want to share time together. And yes, we do have to cram a lot into a few days, but never once has either of us thought, I need to get away. We just want more. We speak every day and during those calls we share the stresses, and we balance each other out. And there are some pretty heavy stresses in this relationship, but we have this incredible soul connection, understanding, call it what you will, we 'get' each other. We crave the humdrum of daily life, it's something we talk about a lot. We don't want vacations together, we want the average mundane going to the supermarket, dishes in the sink, bathrooms to be cleaned life together. I always appreciate your honestly Anna :) Hugs.


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