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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Here I Sit

This past weekend, the weather was perfect for lots of hours spent at home.

I've lived in my little 'air box' for over six years now. Looking out at that view. And I wonder how long I'll continue to do that. I wonder when I'll close down this life I lead and just up and off out of here. The reason for me to do so, has already presented itself. I want to be with him.

There I sat, alone on my sofa, legs curled underneath me. Looking out my living-room window at the mountain and buildings I face onto. At a view I'm so familiar with. Sometimes watching as the buildings, then the mountain, became obscured completely, by the dense rainfall. Lost in thought for many an hour.

I'd said to the man I love:

"I miss you. The days pass....but that's all, they just pass. And all I think is.....that's one more day I won't ever have with you. They're like lost days....once they're gone, they're gone forever."

It saddened him to hear it, as much as it saddened me to say it.

I know what I want and need. I just don't know how to get it. It's hard to judge where our half-way point lies. Perhaps it is beholden upon me, to go more than half-way. I will be the one to travel more miles, even though his will be, in fact, the longer journey.

And so, here I will sit. Until. Until something. I don't even know what that something will be, though. But, here I will sit. Because I believe, blindly. Sometimes you just have to do that while you wait.


Fusion said...

Hugs Fiona...

Waiting sucks, doesn't it?

Thanks again for our chat last night, it's helping me write that letter...

Serenity said...

Oh ouch, what you wrote to him hurts me... in sort of a good way but mostly in a wistful, "oh god that's me" sort of way.
And yes, where is that halfway point, and will i recognize when it is time to start journeying towards it?
i think i feel better knowing someone else is feeling like this. But what an odd world we live in. Sigh.
hugs from me too...

Sunny Delight said...

Ah darling woman, this entry created such a sadness within me. I imagined you sitting there on your sofa, your beautiful eyes gazing outward...wishing...

Whatever direction your journey takes you, know that I support you in all ways.

big big hugs...

Jamie/foundme said...

Been there, and the halfway point passed us by. Don't let it pass you by. Sounds like your at least being more open and honest than I was at the time, which was my biggest problem.

Here's to waiting...

Fiona said...

Fusion - waiting is very hard, especially without a target. You're welcome, I hope K's family can come to see things from your perspective, eventually. Hugs back atcha :)

Serenity - there is a lot of love out there, so many people with distances yet to be traversed. I hope it all works out for you :) hugs

Sunny - even with this melancholy, his love is the best thing to have ever happened to me. We'll get there, we believe in us. Thank you and you know the same applies to your journey ;) BBGR hugs!

Jamie - I believe we won't allow anything to pass us by and that if we keep talking and talking and talking, nothing will be left out that we'll need for our journey. Indeed, here's to waiting....:)

kimba said...

I am not at all well known for my patience, Ms Fi..

I say shag it.. don't wait. Chuck It absolutely chuck it all in and be with him.
What's waiting gonna get you?
Sounds like you would be well sought out wherever you are in the world.

Do it honey.

Do it now.

Don't write another thing until you have resigned.

Persuasive little minx ain't I?

Miranda said...

I agree with Kimba....(((BIG HUGS))) I mean, we are sort of in the same boat. The only difference with me is I think its my kids holding me back, oh yeah and she's a woman. lol...so that brings family issues.

Dont waste time waiting. I know if I didnt have all the other b.s. in my life, I'd be right there.

freebird said...

Oh dear, we all seem to be in the blogland waiting room. Well at least you've got a super view, Fi. Pass me that magazine, would you?

D said...

Surely a woman of your many talents knows many ways to minimise that waiting time. < Only joking > Hope your view isn't too obscured by the rain in the meantime. And perhaps if you fancy a sing-a-long you could break out into "I can see clearly now the rain has gone"

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you have come to an impasse. Time to move forward or move on. There's nothing wrong with some waiting but don't wait the rest of your life away sweetie.

George said...

Fiona ... life and happiness are passing you by as you sit and wait. It is your choice to wait or not but you will never be able to make up for lost time. Be well.

Fiona said...

Kimba - it's not quite so simple. Visas are a huge consideration, as are some other things. I may do a follow-up post on this, I've been thinking about it since I read your comment. Thank you for the nudge :) I'm really quite envious of your and Fusion's plans!!

Miranda - big hugs...if only things were easier, right? But then nothing really worth having ever offers an easy path :)

Freebird - you have a choice of an old National Geographic or last month's Vanity Fair ;) This waiting room sure is filling up!

D - whadaya mean only joking when you speak of my many talents *L*...sings the next verse "I can see all obstacles in my way" :)

Deb - sometimes, moving on IS standing still for a while :) I'm not uncomfortable where I am right now, I believe all journeys go through different paces depending on the elements. This one, right now, is moving slowly.

George - I don't see it as lost time, no matter what happens I never will see it as that (the only time lost is the time we could have had together). Not when this love has been the one great thing in my life, to have given me so much, to have taught me so much, to have led me to so many self-discoveries. I'm tenacious (and sometimes stubborn), I don't give up easily :)

D said...


From the non-post of Wednesday I can only assume you are following Kimba's advice and are at this very moment writing that resignation letter. Don't they give visas out to multi-talented lyrically aware people these days ;-) Here would you like some Readers Digests for that waiting room ?

Fiona said...

D - actually I have already crafted my next post and it's in direct response to Kimba's comment. As it includes information about my man, I have asked for his blessing before posting, out of respect.

Thank goodness my lyrical talents aren't what pays my rent!! Immigration is difficult the world over, and becoming moreso. Were I Mexican it would probably help right now. And if I could sing, it would definitely help, there is the 'unique talent' category ;)

Yes please, points to where you can stack your RDs!

D said...

Oh to be a minority that the world wants to adopt some day (although I think Angelina and Brad may think your a tad old) - perhaps the Beckhams could employ you to hire and fire all the extra staff they'll need in L.A.

Fiona said...

I can't even enter the lottery for a green card because out of the three children my parents had (older brother and younger sister) I am the only one NOT born in Hong Kong. Had I been, I'd have qualified for the lottery - at least there's a chance with that. And of course, neither of them is interested in moving to the States so that rules out the 'joining family' category too. Grrrrrr


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