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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Why I Sit and Wait

In the post below this one, I spoke about the pain of being apart, about the loss of each day we spend apart.

Some of you have been with me on my journey of finding this love, some of you haven't been reading me that long. For those who are new to my blog, I met him in July last year and along the way have written about him on many, many occasions. I'll link to posts about the early days, here, here, here, here and here.

We started out as friends. The friendship grew. We didn't jump into meeting, lightly. We considered the implications, the consequences. We knew it wouldn't be easy. Neither of us has ever gone for casual sex. This wasn't about having a purely physical affair. There was love between us even before we met. And when we did meet, we knew. We respect each other, we value each other, we appreciate each other. We support each other. We're proud of each other. We 'get' each other. We balance each other. We LOVE each other.

And I haven't always been easy to love. I've done the jealous bit, the suspicious bit, the possessive bit, the clingy bit, the needy bit. And through it all, he's loved me. Loved me more, for being so honest with him about how I was feeling. We have clashed a little along the way, to be sure, but all it did was help us understand each other, help pull us closer together. We have said that we each help to bring the other's real person to the surface, and we do. And it's that real person we have grown in love with.

In your comments on my last post, a few of you have urged me to just go and be with him. Well, it's not quite that simple. And I can't pretend it's only because of visas, or work. Truth is, he's married. Some of you who have come to be my friend from this world of blogging, already know this. Some of you are perhaps recoiling in shock at this news. And some of you are possibly even saying, "I knew it!" Maybe a few are even taking me off your reading list.

I make no apology for loving this man. I love him with all my heart. As I've said before, love isn't always easy, it can leave torn edges, wounds elsewhere. I have grown in love with the man who truly completes me, as I complete him. Yes, we could have chosen to not continue, or even start our relationship, because of his obligations. But obligation isn't love. And love is an incredibly strong force. We share a love that grows and grows, a love that neither of us has ever felt before. We share a belief in having a future together. We want to grow old together.

And that is one of the reasons I sit and wait. For him to get to the point, that the time is right. I know what he wants, as much as he does. And likewise, he knows what I want, as much as I do. But he has to make this decision in his own time. And I believe he will make the decision that includes me.

This man is worth all the waiting in the world, to me.


mist1 said...

Wow. Really?

Let me know how that works out for you.

I don't wait.

D said...

I guess I'm one of the " I knew it!" but that makes no difference to anything. I'm sure he will be worth the wait and I hope that like so many in this Blogworld you'll find the right solution soon.

kimba said...

(because you told me 3 hours ago in response to my flippant get off your arse woman and be with him comment..)

No-one here can know your true story and everyone here knows you are probably doing the best you can for each person involved.. and therefore the waiting..

be well friend.. I adore this window into your loving soul..

Miranda said...

I feel for you, I didn't know it, but do know. For me when I met my g/f, I met her online too. I was married, non of it was planned. But I was also very unhappy in my marriage. Im not saying what I did was right...but it happened. Now the thing that seems to be holding us back, is the lack of acceptance with my family....that makes it so hard. Because God knows if they liked her or even just acknowledged and accepted it. We would be together in a heart beat. We've known each other for 6 years, and met r/l 5 years ago. So....having said that, if you think he's worth waiting for, I'd wait.Though in my case its my g/f thats waiting for me, and well, I've no idea, how much longer she can hold on.

Big hugs to you though. I really, truly feel your pain.

Fusion said...

I'm glad he said yes Fiona, because this is something you needed to get out I think. And don't worry about what others think, remember what I told you last night ;)
And like I said before, waiting is hard, but patience is most often times rewarded.

Hugs Girl!

Trueself said...

Well, I didn't know but did kind of suspect. Obviously as one who lives in a very fragile glass house I'll not be throwing any stones.

Life is much more complicated than some people will try to make it. While having a relationship with a married person is a bad thing in theory, we don't live in theory. We live in the real world where life ain't perfect.

Hang in there, and keep on waiting. There's a pretty big crowd of us in the same boat.

Anonymous said...

Know way in heck I'm taking you off my blog list. How hypocritical would that be anyway?

Bottom line is that you love him and he loves you. And well, I completely understand.

Sometimes I feel like you're my twin on the other side of the earth :)

Anonymous said...

Wow my grammar is sooo bad today.

That should be *no way and not know way. I think I as I was typing I was thinking I kind of knew and it came out as know.

If that makes any sense what so ever.

Fiona said...

mist1 - everyone is different depending on where they've been and where they want to be :)

D - thank you, I believe he is worth the wait. We struggle with this, with the consequences, but we're still here almost 10 months later :)

Kimba - you were the nudge I needed, for some it will be a deciding factor on how they feel about me. As I said, I make no apology for loving him and love him I do :)

Miranda - thank you. I want to see him happy and I want to be happy. Life's too short to live it constrained by what we expect people will think of us. I accept the fragility of my situation but I'll not walk from it. Hugs - I hope things work out for you hon.

Fusion - he respects me as I respect him and he knows we're both in a difficult situation. He also knows for me to not be honest, would mean I'm not being myself. I'm patient...and stubborn :) Hugs back atcha

TS - we both thought long and hard before entering into this. I certainly didn't think, oh goodie a married man. I thought about him and his family, as he did, before anything happened between us. To deny our love would be like denying who we are. And I am true to him and always will be. Thank you :)

Oblivion - that is absolutely the bottom line. We appreciate each other and neither of us has had that before. It's a very deep bond of love and friendship and respect. I hope things work out for you, too, hon. And yes, I understood perfectly, your comments :)

Sally-Sal said...

Dearest Fiona:
Anyone who thinks love is as simple as black and white, right and wrong, yes and no has never experienced it.

The way you feel for him, the way he feels for you, there's no mistake there. It's meant, the way that the two of your souls are fitted together, angles and curves meeting to form that perfect fit.

I love that he appreciates you. I'm so damn happy for the love that the two of you share. And I respect the hell out of you for being so open, and so honest about something that is very hard to just put out there for the world to see.

Love you, beautiful.


George said...

Fiona ... there is nothing written anywhere that says we can't fall in love with a married man/woman. I had years ago and it is painful I know. Time passes slowly, waiting for a decision. Enjoy every moment you share with him ... there will be many more to come.

You're on my daily read list Fi .. nothing going to change that.

Be well.

Anonymous said...

It's not my place to judge Fiona, you need to do what is best for you and I am truly glad that you found this kind of love.

Fiona said...

Sal - Thank you, so much, for those words. They have touched me, and you said it so perfectly, about our souls. They do fit. You understand :)

George - It's probably in the bible somewhere, not that it would ever be a tome I would choose to live my life by in any literal fashion. What I do know is we have something special and he comes to me only after trying so damn hard with his marriage, first. Thank you :)

Deb - I know I don't live my life perfectly, after all who does? Like everyone else, I do the best I can. I'm glad I've found this love, as he is. Neither of us has been loved purely for who we are. It's an amazing journey :)

freebird said...

Ooh, I feel all special now!

"And through it all, he's loved me. Loved me more, for being so honest with him about how I was feeling. We have clashed a little along the way, to be sure, but all it did was help us understand each other, help pull us closer together. We have said that we each help to bring the other's real person to the surface, and we do. And it's that real person we have grown in love with."

I so identify with this, Fi. And that's why I think it's worth the wait.

Hey, I've finished this magazine, got another?

Fiona said...

FB - there is something at the root of he and I, that makes our love so damn strong. I'm glad it resonates with you and your situation.

Do I need to take out an subscription for you? ;)

Sunny Delight said...

You know how I feel, my dear friend. We live our lives the best we can, as we can, and as someone very very special keeps telling me *S*...life starts from now...and we live from our now to our tomorrow...I wish with everything in me...that you have your future as you wish it...many many hugs.

Fiona said...

Sunny - thank you. Just, thank you :)

Jonas said...

Knowing how much you love (and relate) to music, I wanted to offer you this:


I've lived this song, once. You're living it now. I hope your dreams come true, Fiona. I hope every dream of yours comes true.

anna said...

I didn't know it, but did suspect it. Things aren't always black and white and I'll never accept that loving a person (regardless of their situation) is wrong. You know what they say - all is fair...

kissmekate said...

And I am sure his wife felt all those things too when she became involved with him way back when.

Sorry Fiona but I think you can certainly understand my views.

Fiona said...

Thank you Jonas, a lovely song. I don't want to wait in vain, either. And I don't believe that I am :)

Anna - I do believe that all is fair in... and yes, there's no black and white in it all. It just is :)

Kate - perhaps yes, perhaps no. But I'm not going to compare myself to his wife. I know what he and I have, now. And yes, I do understand your views on this.

Gillette said...

I will hold the vision of the best outcome for all concerned. Blessings in this, Fiona. He is one lucky man to have you...as you are to have him. Happy you found each other.

Fiona said...

Gillette - thank you so very much for your kind words, they mean an awful lot to me. You gave me guidance when I felt lost, before I met this amazing man You told me about opening up my heart and I would find him. And you were right. Thank you! :)

Laurie Anne said...

That took courage to share. I haven't read all your posts on your love, I am committed to doing so.
I feel in simpatico with you because although I have a love I want to wait the rest of my life for, he is not married. His shackles are self-induced. His issue is that he is afraid to get close. And so I wait...

Fiona said...

Laurie Anne - thank you. I love that word 'simpatico'...most people think it translates to 'sympathetic' but it's so much more! I hope your love releases himself from his shackles, but I do understand the waiting. I hope neither of us has to wait forever :)


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