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Friday, February 01, 2008

I Lost It Today

I was in with my boss, discussing (disagreeing about) something and I felt my eyes start to well up. I felt that little prickling in my nose and the tightening of my throat. My voice started to waver. I tried so hard to keep it together, I tried willing the building tears back into my tearducts, but I couldn't stop their flow and the first hot, heavy tear fell from my eye. Then a tear from the other eye and before I knew it, both were draining the pain from my body.

I was angry with myself. Angry because truthfully, nothing that bad was being said to warrant such a display of emotion. We were just talking about staffing levels and workloads. I had started to tell her that I'm feeling overwhelmed and instead of talking through my work in hand to try to explain it, I sat there with big salty tears running down my cheeks. She asked if it was really so bad - and she was being sympathetic and understanding, she truly was. I said yes, it is right now, I feel I'm not gaining ground any more and you keep dishing it out to me and for the first time in my career I feel that I'm not performing to expectation. I said that it had been a really hard six weeks.

I think I realised then, just what I've been bravely pushing myself through, being the one to handle everything, being the one my mother confided in, being the one to insist her final wishes are respected and carried out, being the one cooking meals for the family as they grieved. It just all seemed to hit me, and what hit me most of all is that I haven't felt any loss until today. Not real loss.

But the last thing I wanted was to be like this at work, in a place where too many eyes watch and more questions than I'm ready to answer, will be asked. I need to be in my love's arms, where I belong, so I can just let it out quietly and safely. I need to be in that place where understanding and love wrap me up and pull me into their core. I need to be in that place where I'm cherished. I need to be in that place where I can be me, all of me. Even the sad and hurt and lost me.

Soon. Very, very soon.


Gillette said...

Copioius loving, enfolding hugs, Fiona.

D said...

Fiona often it creeps up on you at the strangest of times and for the most bizarre reasons, but you need to listen to your emotions and your body as combined they usually know what is best for you. Hope your weekend is full of love and cherish from your loved one from afar and this time next week you'll be winging your way to him for that physical comfort too. Take care. D x

Sunny Delight said...

Awww, my poor darling friend, it happens when it happens, I know it is so difficult, and I wish with all my heart your love was winging his way to you this very instant. I know exactly what you are wishing for. You do need that safe haven to completely let go, you haven't had it yet. But you will.

It is hard to witness your pain, it is hard to feel the pain, but it is necessary, so very necessary.

Plus I think this is something your boss needed to see, needed to hear, and has for quite some time.

Many hugs.

S'mee said...

I understand what's happening to you Fi. My feelings of the last couple of months have not what I expected. At least I wasn't half a world away, and didn't have the work commitments you have.

Take care Fi.X

anna said...

Yes, you do need those things. You will have them soon, but it doesn't feel like soon enough.

Anonymous said...

That happened to me at work, years ago when I had been assaulted by a doctor and my dad laying dying in the hospital. My assignment was changed about half an hour after I started work and I started crying and couldn't stop. I took a month off work and took care of myself.

You've been through a lot sweetie. It's not just one thing, it's everything piling up on top of you until you feel like you can't breath anymore.

Sending a hug.

George said...

Much better that it come out at work than not at all ... it had to be released sweetie ... you have had more thrown on your plate recently than you should have had to handle. You did a marvellous job handling everything but you had to let it all our or go crazy.

Be well

Fusion said...

I know how're your feeling Fiona, but work never got that bad for me. But I just ran out of "whatever I needed" to do it anymore.

Hang in there a few more days, soon he can help make it better.

BIG Hugs to you,

freebird said...

Fi, the only thing that amazes me is that you held out so long! I'd have dissolved ages ago - and so would most people, I'm sure. You are amazingly strong, but you'd be flippin' super-human if it didn't get to you at some point. You certainly need a whole load of comfort from that man of yours. Not long now!

Charmed said...

I understand. Sometimes we just cannot bear anymore weight on our shoulders. You are human, Fi. It is OK to cry.

D said...

Hope your packing those bags ;-) Dx

Matt K. said...

Better before a sympathetic boss then live on stage...

I know - it's not my best joke.

You, like all humans, need to flip that safety valve open before the pressure causes an explosion.

Take care, and think about your upcoming trip.


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