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Tuesday, January 06, 2009

One Year On

One year on, today, as I sit here looking out my window at a beautiful sunny, clear blue sky, I remember looking out another window half a world away. The sky there was low and oppressive, a deep grey, and snowflakes were falling. I was by my mother's bed in a hospital in the Scottish Borders, knowing she wouldn't be with us much longer.

I've thought a lot about my mum over these past 12 months. Thoughts which have led me to a quiet acceptance of our difficult relationship. Thoughts which have helped me admire her spirit in her youth, travelling from Scotland to Hong Kong in pursuit of my dad, no mean travel feat in the 1950s. She caught up with him and they were married here in 1955, just after they both turned 22.

Some thoughts have had me wishing we'd been able to share more in our mother/daughter relationship, and some have been understanding that she carried through her life, a scarred relationship with her own mother. I know there were moments when she was proud of me and I know, too, that she trusted me to deal with issues my brother and sister might not be inclined to handle, or even able to handle. During our final days together, I knew for the first time in my life that she also loved me. She said so, finally.

She had a very hard end to an amazing life. A life that started off in adventure and daring to be different. A life filled with love for her husband and a strong independence. A life where she struggled so hard to show us love and affection, it made us question so many times if she had any for us. I wonder if not being able to show us love, hurt her more than it hurt us.

One year on, I remember my mother with love in my heart.

Photo: My sister with my mum, taken in 2007.


Fusion said...

Hard to believe it's been a year already, then I think about where I was one year ago now, time does fly...
I'm glad time has helped you with your mother's memory Fiona.

patsy said...


anna said...

Oh Fiona, I am so happy with the way you ended this post.

Loving Annie said...

That was very sweet, Fiona. It's hard to remember with such grace and compassion like you did.

Charmed said...

You are a good daughter.

Very nice post.

Jonas said...

My Mom and I were never all that close. Despite that, as she faded into Alzheimer's oblivion, I came to love her.

In the end, the conflicts, hurts and misunderstandings no longer mattered. I came to love her.

And I'm grateful.

Don said...

It's great that you were able to connect in those final days. You can both be more at peace that way.


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