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Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Communication With My Sister ~Updated~

Update 9 March:

I got a very curt text "Am sending vacs 2morrow, promise", from Rhona. No 'love', no 'xxx' but that's OK because right now I just want their vaccination records. So, onwards we move with all this :)

Email from my sister last night:

fion.......this is hard.............i cannot face losing lupo at the moment so i am pleading with you to let me hang on to him for a bit longer..................there is no fear that kirk is coming back as he is with someone else and i cannot handle this fion (i really mean that) to lose him right now............i just cant fion........so please give me a couple more months with him as he is all i have and cannot bare the huge loss.....please try and understand fion but without him in the immediate future it will tip me over the edge i hope you will understand Rhonxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My reply to her:

I don't like this Rhon, you have Shaz, you want to make plans to go to Edinburgh, you want to try and get a job. That means that you won't be able to look after Lupo the way you have been.

You have to stop using Kirk as a reason for not doing things, for stopping your life. There is always the chance that they'll change the rabies rating for Canary Islands and then I'll be stuck. I am making the changes necessary for Lupo in my own life, I have made that commitment.

To be honest it really pisses me off that even when he's gone, Kirk continues to rule our lives like this. You say a few more months, you got that already Rhon, this is just going to go on and on....you went to a counsellor well I would hope he/she can help you to manage this life situation.

I don't like this 'threat' either Rhon, about tipping you over the edge, to be honest. We've been there before, if you recall, when I flew over to Tenerife right after getting a phone call, to find you all hunky dory when I got there. Lupo is not all you have, you have your own dog too and I want some time with Lupo.

Rhon, it's called getting a grip and you really need to get a grip. If you're that mentally imbalanced, it makes me want to have Lupo more. But do not use him as a pawn. An agreement was made and I'm expecting you to hold up your side of that agreement. I gave into you just a month or so ago but now I'm expecting you to honour your word to me. I am not prepared to bend on this one Rhon.

Love Fionxxxx

I am tired of her theatrics. I've lived with them for many years. From hearing of her 4am calls to my parents in Hong Kong, when she was living in London, telling them that she was going to take her own life. To her inability to make a living and being supported by my parents and myself, to her overdosing on valium (turned out she hadn't) a few years ago and me rushing over to Tenerife on the next flight out to find her all jovial and gulping down the wine with her then loser boyfriend (she has quite a track record of them). To her theatrics at my dad's funeral - I don't think I'll ever forget her throwing her UTI drugs at my mother on the day and telling her that she'd need them more than she did, merely because an old boyfriend of my mother's (and friend of my father's) came to the funeral and my mum was chatting with him. To finding a bloody great hole in one of the doors in my apartment, which she's been living in rent-free for over eight years, marking when she lost her temper and kicked a door in. To visiting last year and finding one of her friends had painted my living room bright yellow and hadn't even bothered to move a bookcase so he painted around it. And the epitome of her bad behaviour, the way she treated Steve and I, but particularly Steve, when we visited last year. There are so many other things I'm tired of even remembering.

It's hard to describe her relationship with me, when she drinks there are things she says which tell me she hates me with a passion, not just the words but the vitriol in her voice, the anger in her face. If I move away from her because of this, she turns all whimpering and apologetic and is fearful of losing me (her words).

An example: When I was about 10 and she was five, I was taken to the dentist with a bad tooth. He basically took a hammer and chisel to it and battered it out of my mouth. I was, naturally, in hysterics and my sister was listening to my screams in the waiting room. Until last year, she actually went over 15 years without visiting the dentist and blames me for that. She tells me that it is my fault because she heard me screaming all those years ago. The little hole in her argument is that before the 15-year run, she did go to the dentist. But it's convenient to blame me for her bad dental hygiene for the past 15 years (she finally went last year and had almost lost her teeth by then) and even at that point, she blamed that on me. She loves to recount this story of me being to blame for her teeth. If it wasn't so ridiculous and sad, it might be a little funny.

Am I being too tough, am I tipping her 'over the edge'? I honestly don't know but I'm pig-sick of pandering to her wants and needs and putting her first. Just plain sick of it. To be honest I want my dog and cat back, I want my apartment back. I want that part of my life back. She's my sister and I'll always love her and I want her as a part of my life, but not this big a part of it. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of who she is and what she expects from me.


Loving Annie said...

You're being smart, you're refusing to cooperate in being manipulated, you're not playing the co-dependent game, you're stating things clearly and taking an honest stand.
Alcoholics take prisoners. It's always about them - and how you have to understand them and what they want and what they need. Never about being fair, logical, reasonable to YOU, or taking repsonsibility for their own repeated self-destructive actions and choices.
I'm proud of you for freeing yourself in this effective, healthy manner.

Fusion said...

You're handling it well Fiona. Get your dog back, even if you have to go pick him up personally.

It's a shame your sister is such a mess...

freebird said...

Hmmm, the 'sense' genes weren't distributed very evenly in your family, were they? I admire your strength, Fi.

anna said...

You're handling this beautifully, Fiona. Stay strong, stay focused.

patsy said...

You are doing the right thing by instisting that Lupo and Toffee leave according to the agreement you and Rhonda established... while the rule are in your favor, it is time to bring your babies back home!

Fiona said...

Thank you Annie, it's all so true what you say of alcoholics. I lived with one for so many years and grew to dislike his actions so intensely. They are so very selfish and self-serving in all they do. I learned not to play the co-dependent game then and I'm not going to be conned again. I appreciate your comment very much :)

Hi John :) Well the problem in going to get him is I have to lodge an import application here with all the paperwork (vaccinations records, etc.) a minimum of two weeks prior to travel date. Plus I need a government vet at the other end, very hard to do from here, so I do need her co-operation on this - luckily she's agreed to be helpful, as of yesterday. Let's hope she doesn't backtrack yet again!

FB - well hello there woman :) No, she was definitely at the end of the queue when 'sense' was given out, but then as Annie so rightly said, alcoholics have a hard time seeing beyond their own wants. I'm not giving up and finally got her (hopefully not temporary) OK!

Thank you Anna :) Steve sees the frustration and keeps me calm....we both want the animals with us and thank goodness she's finally acquiesced!

Patsy :) I can't wait to have them back with me, it's been way too long, I let her dictate her needs for longer than I should have. She's probably most upset about having to find her own accommodation soon, at her own expense. While she had them, she was secure in that respect. Well it's about damn time she learned how to stand on her own two feet I say, she is 45 after all!!

Charmed said...

I am so sorry Fiona. Family conflicts are ALWAYS the worst. Be strong, she will come around.


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