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Monday, August 14, 2006

Our Shells

Well this isn't the post I intended to write today, that was on disappointing and being disappointed. It will keep for another day.

Today I wanted to refer to an awesome post by Julia on Jul of the Day - I have her link there on my list. If you don't stop by regularly, please do, she is an absolutely incredible writer and wonderful woman, and her photographs are brilliance itself in how she ties them to her posts. True jewels every day.

Emergence. The easy part is coming out of our shell. The hard part is letting it go.

So.....emergence and letting go of our shells. I know I, for one, hang on for dear life to my shell. And it's not even a pretty one. But it's mine and I'm awfully familiar with how it feels. I have peeked out of it a few times and been both energised and scared to death, usually separately but sometimes concurrently. So back into my shell I've gone. Sometimes slowly and sometimes like a snail whose horns have been poked.

There are times I feel like another person when I come out of it, quite literally. I almost act out, roleplay, pretend I'm this other person, not me. And you know she sometimes has a whale of a time. But then, I remember I'm me and back in I slide.

I recently wrote about the world being my oyster and shucking it and swallowing it whole. Another reference to a shell there. I haven't moved forward with my plans yet, I'm still trying to decide where and when. And truth be told I'm secretly hoping that someone I'd like to meet finally agrees to it. But so far he has avoided my very direct questions about it. Why can't I just say, well screw you then, I'm off? Well because a part of me is afraid by doing so he'll say fine, go, don't bother looking for me when you get back, that's the sort of psychological game he plays with me. I know he doesn't mean it, in reality he means the opposite of that, but I'm not ready to risk losing him. And he, it seems, isn't ready to take our five-month relationship to another level even though he professes missing me so terribly if we don't speak (or rather type to each other) for a mere 24 hours.

Why oh why am I so stuck on holding onto my shell? And to the damn limpet* that has attached itself to my oyster?

*Limpet fits best as one of the definitions for it is: "one that clings tenaciously to someone or something". Or maybe in reality, I'm the limpet on his oyster and I'm the one who needs to let go?


And just for Sunny Delight.....*clearing my throat and bursting into song*

Sunny, yesterday my life was filled with rain
Sunny, you smiled at me and really eased the pain
Oh, the dark days are done
The bright days are here
My sunny one shines so sincere
Sunny one so true
I love you

Sunny, thank you for that sunshine bouquet
Sunny, thank you for the love you brought my way
You gave to me your all and all
Now I feel ten feet tall
Sunny one so true
I love you

Sunny, thank you for the truth you let me see
Sunny, thank you for the facts from a to z
My life was torn like windblown sand
And then a rock was formed when we held hands
Sunny one so true
I love you

Sunny, thank for that smile upon your face
Sunny, thank you for that gleam that flows with grace
You're my spark of natures fire
You're my sweet complete desire
Sunny one so true
I love you

Sunny, yesterday my life was filled with rain
Sunny, you smiled at me and really eased the pain
The dark days are done
The bright days are here
My sunny one shines so sincere
Sunny one so true
Sunny one so true
Sunny one so true
I love you


Polyman2 said...

Most times the risk is worth it.
...and nice song to Sunny.

Miranda said...

*smiles* nice.

As for making a link...Copy the link you want to put in. When you blog type in the word (ie:) Emergence block or highlight it. Then hit ctl/shift/a a box should pop up... paste in the link. And walla there you have it. After you publish it give it a try. :D I hope that helps.

Julie said...

Hugs to you, my friend. Thank you for your kind words and this thought-full post. I'm still learning to let go of the shell myself myself.

~TVS said...

Yup, Julie has long been one of my favorite reads.

If you're more comfortable with the mouse and you use Blogger's Dashboard:
I usually have the page I want to link to open so I can copy the address.
Type the text you want to use for the link (like "click here").
Highlight that text.
Click the Link button at the top of the text entry window. (Between the text color button and left-align button -- It looks like a globe with a couple links of chain across it.)
In the little window that pops up, paste the address you copied from the other page.

Or do what Miranda said....

Fiona said...

Magic!! Miranda and ~tvs thank you SO much for helping.

I agree polyman, I am a bit of a risk taker, and very much a fight not flight person :)

Julie, welcome! That picture and caption do so resonate to me.

Blogging reminds me of the game '6 degrees of separation'!!

Sunny Delight said...

I love your descriptions, the snail who's horns have been poked, so apropriate...leaving our shells, I have always related mine to a hermit crab, I emerge, scuttle back quickly, often times bearing its weight upon my back, then it becomes too tight, so I search for another....ermm..I think you get the picture.

The times when I feel like another person, its funny, when I look back on it, it really feels as if it is the real me, the one that has nothing hidden, when I forget that I am supposed to be on my guard.

Then somehow reality seeps in, and I scurry for my shell again, fearful of exposing too much of me.

I want to know more about this relationship! I think we need to talk! It is easy to say take the risk, but so very hard to put into practice....and grrrr is he being evasive? Why? I am sensing online here, and it is so very very hard to truly read and trust. We are going to have exchange emails or ims very soon.

Your song, god your song, I am smiling so moronicly at my comp screen right now, with tears in my eyes.....thank you from the very depths of my heart.

6 degrees--so true! so true!

*on my way to visit julia*


Fiona said...


We are in such a wonderfully symbiotic blogging relationship right now with things each of us say feeding into our thoughts! It's wonderful.

Yes, online, hangs my head. And he's feigning illness right now to date, after five months of being there every single day for up to 10 hours (in two splits *L*) he's suddenly too sick to post and it started on Saturday night. Riiiiiiight. I have a strong intuitive bent and I really do think that is what is up. Another 24 hours have gone by with no email from him.

Wow IM ... hahahahaha I haven't done that in the longest time!!! Yeah, he won't even go to IM with me, we spend out time in a chatroom. I've always found it awfully hard to let go of people I care for, even when they are clearly not interested in me.

Umm I'd really love to talk to you about so many things off this open space, would you email me please, Sunny, and we can hook up more personally :)

Sunny Delight said...

don't don't hang your head...god if you only knew!

I know exactly what you mean about letting people go, I lost so many people in my life as a child, erected so many barriers, that now, I have become...hmmm what did you use earlier? ah yes...a limpet.

email is a comin' girl!


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