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Friday, February 16, 2007

Half-way Through

My trip is half over, here I am in London, at a Gatwick airport hotel overnight. I was to fly out early in the morning but I've changed it to an early afternoon flight instead. I need time to gather myself before the next onslaught.

Four days with my sister. One day she was OK, the other three she was mildly drunk to totally drunk. She has a serious drinking problem. If it's there, she has to drink it. Nothing comes before it. Nothing takes its place. And if it's not there, she has to go and find it. No matter the hour. She and her boyfriend actually went out at 2am to the local bar, after drinking the house dry one night.

And her boyfriend also has a drinking problem. A little different from hers, but a drinking problem nonetheless. He binge drinks. One day he'll have nothing but juice and tea and soda. And the next he'll drink from morning to night. And I see the co-dependency where my sister defends his behaviour. She goes to pick him up from the bar where he has spent the entire day and is totally legless. Trying to rationalise his behaviour to me.

I was so unhappy those days, except for the fact I was with my dog. I do miss him so very very much. By Tuesday I wanted to leave. To just get out. Only by speaking with my love on the phone, was I able to hang on. I called him, in tears, and he calmed and soothed me. He can reach through a phone and comfort me with his voice, with his love. I appreciate him so very much.

I support my sister financially and she told me she hates that. I support her emotionally and she told me I'm cold. I defend her to other members of my family and she told me I am never on her side. I have tried to help her with treatment for depression and anxiety and all she does is go back to the bottle. There is nothing I can do that is right. And she hates the fact that she needs me.

Tomorrow, I fly up to Edinburgh then travel by train to my mother's. Rhona will fly from Tenerife to Newcastle and then go by train to my mother's. We will have another three days together.

Right now, I wish I was catching a flight back to Hong Kong. I feel drained. I feel in need of my love's big strong arms wrapped around me, making the rest of the world go away. Soon, I need that soon.


Fusion said...

Hang on Fiona, just hang on.
Before you know it, you'll be home.
Travel safe!

Matt Kohai said...

She's got some serious esteem issues. Hey, tell her if it'll make her feel better, you'll stop the support.

Courage - the trip's early over, you'll be home sooner than you realize.

freebird said...

Oh I'm so sad to read this Fiona. How disappointing for you. Hope you can hang on. Give me a wave as you fly over and remember... you've got my number!

LePhare said...

I'll be waving too, and keeping my fingers crossed for you. Take care and stay safe.


Sally-Sal said...

You are all. I can't imagine going through what you've seen/been through.

Being there for your sister's mental illness? Compassionate.
Missing your wonderful love? Understandable.
Exhausted from the mental strain you've been under? Absolutely.

Come home safely. To us (your bloggies who love you) and that wonderfully incredible man who sees you for all the wonderful qualities you possess. You are an example as to what women should be.

Love you,


anna said...

I'm so sorry about your sister. Sadly, there isn't much you can do until she sees the problem for herself and is ready to make a change. And one of the frustrating things about it is that they don't realize how much their drinking affects those who love them.

Keep leaning on your love for support and vent here as often as you feel you need. We can't do much, but we'll listen.

Emily said...

That must be so hard, especially after what you went through with your ex boyfriend.

Fiona said...

Sometimes I think I'm failing her by helping her. That she needs to feel the full effect of her choices. But I can't do that. I can't turn my back.

Thank you for your comments, your words of support and your understanding.


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