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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Scabs and Scars

Sometimes I pick at my scabs. I like them best when they're almost healed over, peeling off around the edges. But in the centre they're still raw and wet. And I know, as I peel off that hard protective shell of recovery before it's ready, carefully working around the edges, that it will leave a fresh open sore again. To be sure, smaller than the initial wound, but no less painful and just as deep as the original, right there at the centre. But around that deep wound at the core, is an area of rejuvenation, of shiny fresh new skin.

I'm not talking about a scab on my knee or elbow. Nor a scrape across my knuckles. I'm talking about the wounds deep inside. The words that have cut like a knife, the old rejections that still whisper in my ear when I'm feeling just a little insecure. The thoughts that eat into my self-esteem to make me doubt what I'm working hard to believe about myself. Oh, make no mistake, 99 percent of the time, I'm in a very good place. An excellent place. A place I haven't ever been until now. A positive place where people tell me that I'm wonderful and amazing and even "admire-able". A place where I'm loved and held close and treasured.

But all it takes is a look. A phrase uttered which I interpret the wrong way. A mistake I repeat and then play over and over in my mind. An overt sensitivity beyond any form of reasonableness. It doesn't take too much for me to doubt myself once more. To consider whether or not I deserve this goodness around me. To wonder if the gods are just setting me up to laugh at me again.

These invisible wounds can lend themselves to being picked at. They itch and demand attention. And I know it doesn't help for me to be picking at them. I need to leave them alone and let them heal. I want to have scars instead of scabs. Scars that have healed over and left nothing to pick at. Scars that I remember and sometimes touch, now with a smile of understanding as I feel the smooth, even surface. Nice pink, shiny scars that are only a reminder of what has been. And won't ever be again.


Fusion said...

Emotional wounds are the hardest wounds to heal, and take the longest too.
But I don't think you want them to heal with tough new skin, because then you become hardened against life, love, caring, compassion.
We all want scars to remember by, and learn from.

And yes Fiona, you are a true sweetie! Take care.

Anonymous said...

You write so much of what is inside of me. I really feel like we've been through a lot of the same trials.

Yes, Fiona, you are admirable :)

Matt Kohai said...

Remember to use plenty of aloe vera on those scabs so they'll heal faster... (i.e., friends/soial outings, quiet time, pleasurable activities)...

Fiona said...

Fusion - I agree about them not healing in a way that we can't feel them anymore, and therefore don't remember or learn from. That's why to me, I visualise my scars as pink, shiny and smooth.

And thank you for that lovely comment!

Ob - I agree, there are some incredible parallels for you and I, kindred spirits we are. Thank you for agreeing with my love :)

Matt - hiya! Aloe vera (in plant and support form) does indeed make a wonderful salve :)

Jac said...

But what is so intriguing is the gamble! If I pick it, maybe this will be the time it DOESN'T ooze and will seemingly disappear. Granted, most the time, it not only bleeds, but gushes worse than the original wound. Then I get annoyed. "Why did I do that? Why haven't I learned to leave it alone?" Because occasionally there is that intermitent reinforcement when it seems to have magically disappeared! (say once every 10 times):)

Sunny Delight said...

My Darling Friend, We all do it, it is so hard, to keep that feeling of wholeness, but as each day passes it seems to become easier. Those shiny new scars are developing. The protective bandages in my life? One of those is you, I have to thank you for that.

You deserve all the goodness this world has to offer......never forget that!

Fiona said...

Jac - that is so right....and that wonderful feeling of relief when the scab lifts off cleanly and the wound has closed...leaving just the scar, the perfectly healed but still discernible mark on our being.

Sunny - as you are to me. You have bolstered me, cajoled me, and when needed booted my ass *L*. You are the sunlight that shines through my window.


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