The Pain of Sharing

Last night, I typed out a long, long, L-O-N-G email to my sister. I'd been mulling it over in my mind for a couple of days as to what to say, how much to share, what personal darkness to let her into. It was exhausting, but necessary.

I know that if I just 'say' things to her, she'll think I'm only trying to find ways to put her down, as that's how she tends to interpret my conversations with her. But I do always tell her that I'm proud of her and I believe in her. Sometimes my attempts to communicate with her come over in a harsh, standoffish way, but I've found that sympathising and rolling myself up into her problems with her, only makes her lean on me more. And giving her a crutch isn't going to help. Excusing someone else's bad behaviour isn't going to help either.

So, last night, I bared it all, well almost all, there's one thing I may never share with her, and if I do it will be after my mother passes because I know my sister, she'll not be able to keep that secret in. And it wouldn't be fair to tell her something like that and demand that she tells noone. She maybe has already guessed anyway.

The guy she's infatuated with, shows so many of the signs I've seen before, in a man I was involved with. A man I finally found the strength to walk away from. Well, a combination of my strength and the help of the most wonderful woman in the world, my best friend Anuja, who never gave up on me. A man who would have destroyed me, had I stayed with him. A man who had once tried to kill me. And I had seen that same look in my sister's boyfriend's eyes. That glint of evil. It was just a flash, but I saw it and he knew I'd seen it. Thing is, you have to know what to look for and if you've never seen it before, you'd not know what to look for. My sister, for all her hardships with the men in her life, has not been with someone this dangerous before.

I shared with her, in my email, all my experiences, all my hopes, all my disappointments. I shared with her for the first time, what he had done to me. Until now, I've just said to her "I know what a man like that can do to a woman." I hope this can open her eyes a little more and at least put her on alert if they do end up back together again. She says he'd never be violent. I thought that too, about the man I was with. Until he snapped. And that only happened after he had alienated me from everyone, after he had worn me down, after he had made me doubt myself.

My sister often tells me I don't know what depression is like. But I do. I know what it's like to doubt my very existence, to not know how to put one foot in front of the other, and yet to do it. I know what it's like to think so little of myself that I stopped bathing for a month. I know what it's like to shrink into the background and live there day after day. I know what it's like to hand over my life to someone who didn't care if I was there or not. I know. And last night I told her all this. She's been silent since, I hope she's turning it all over in her mind. I hope she will benefit from my experiences and not have to go through the same herself. I hope and hope and hope.

But I can't live her life for her, I can't make her do anything, nor should I. She has to find her way, on her own. I just don't want to see her go through what I have. Although, my journey up to today has been what it was meant to be, for me. For my lessons, for my own path. And it has led me to someone who loves me for me, and sometimes despite me. Who can see into me and understand. Who sees the real me, who helps me be the real me. Who can and does love the imperfect me. It hasn't been a wasted journey.

Maybe she's still on the path she's meant to travel. Maybe I just need to accept that.