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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Black, White and Shades Of Grey

I've been mulling over whether or not to vent privately, or publicly. I've decided to go out with this.

My post on Friday brought a commenter to my blog with a lot to say against me and my relationship. Fair enough, from her own personal viewpoint, she's a married woman with children, trying to get over her own husband's betrayal, but honestly not everything in life is as narrow as she presents it. What I took umbrage at was her accusatory style and I certainly won't stand by and let anyone label the love of my life as a liar. Sorry, you just don't get away with that one. Kindly refrain from judging the man I love against the standards of your own life experiences. Not all of us have ended up loving a liar, as you obviously have. And please don't deny it, you've accused him of being just that, time and time again on your blog.

At first I was angry, at her accusations. Pissed off, to be honest. But as I took it in, beyond the initial reading, I actually found a lot of amusement in them (and a post on her own blog tearing apart my whole relationship for the entertainment of her followers, who took up her cause while at first thinking she was speaking of her husband's affair). I just thought, wow, there's a woman internalising other people's lives to the point she gets that het up? Not a good way to be. She should be living her own life, repairing what she wishes to repair, instead of casting judgement upon something she doesn't have the whole story on. That kind of energy could, and should, be spent in a much more positive way. As for calling her sad and bitter, that is merely reflecting what she herself says. She is definitely sad about the events which unfolded in her life. And bitter too that it happened. Bitter to the point she comes here to throw daggers at my relationship.

I'm frankly a bit flabbergasted that she thinks I have the kind of juju that would make a man leave his family of many years, with supposedly nary a thought for them, and me living thousands of miles away. That she so kindly opined he has been playing a game with me with these kinds of results. This is so far from the truth. Good lord, what on earth has she been exposed to, or surrounded by, to have such a warped outlook on life? Oh, and please don't presume to know that I haven't suffered betrayal. I have.

I fully expected to lose readership after this post and I definitely thought that reader would be the first to stop coming by. I have to wonder why she continues to read something that so upsets her. If my activities irk her so badly, why keep reading? Does she need some sort of scapegoat for her own deficiencies in her relationship? I read her blog because I actually find it in turn to be amusing, enlightening and naive. I don't post there because, to be honest, our viewpoints are miles apart and what, really would be the point in me offering up my observation of her actions as at times being controlling, unreasonable and manipulating?

And just for the record, I don't "believe that (I) have the greatest love of all mankind", I've never said that. Nor would I presume to say such a thing. What I have said, is that this man is the greatest love of my life. And he is. And for that I make no apology. Many people have found such a love and I couldn't be happier for them. Sometimes, yes, sometimes, that person comes from an unhappy and unsuccessful marriage. Thank goodness we no longer live the way our parents lived, with a resigned acceptance of an unhappy life just to remain in a sham of a marriage. To avoid the disapproving finger-pointing of those lacking the courage to move on, but secretly wishing they could, too.

The comment which made me laugh the most was this one: "Or was he just telling you that so you felt sorry for him and slept with him?" What an odd concept. I'd never even have thought of that, but I guess she has? Sorry to disappoint, but I have never, and will never, sleep with a man I feel sorry for. I have slept only with men I have cared for deeply. All of whom I can count on one hand. Oh and by the way, "illiterate, stupid, needy and selfish" do not describe me at all.

I'd like to end this with: Dear blogger, Put away your pointing finger. I did not cause your marriage to dissolve, you and your husband did. There is no way any man will walk away from a woman he loves and cares for, from a life well-lived and happy, on the pure off chance that another woman might make for a better living arrangement. A fool might and while perhaps that is one of your issues, my man on the other hand is no fool. So go and live your life, I am living mine. Happily, I might add. I actually feel sorry for you. But perhaps, in time, you'll manage to unravel yourself from that self-imposed shroud of suffocating anger and vitriol. It is especially obscene when directed at people who have played no part in your situation. Look to yourself, for both your failures and your solutions.

Like so much in life, these experiences are found in the muted shades of grey, and rarely in the black or white of our existence.


George said...

Standing up and applauding loudly ... congratulations Fiona. While we leave ourselves open for such putrid comments when we write about our personal lives we are also free to defend ourselves against stupidity and you have done a marvellous job.

Too many people have such a narrow minded point of view on so many things that I feel very sorry for them. If it happened to me then they are all bastards and the women they are with are bitches. Let's take one incident and paint the entire population with the same colour.

I personally don't think that she deserved such an eloguent response Fiona.

Nish said...

Good for you Fi. Take care of you, girl. The haters come running when they fear someone may be happier than them.


Sally-Sal said...

No one has the right to judge the actions of your life, or anyone else's.

The people who are the quickest to cast judgment are those who are the most alone. The ones who have nothing or no one to lose, so judgment is all they have. How sad that is.

I know.

I grew up in that household.

After living with my parents, I was relieved when they finally divorced. As much as I loved the both of them, things were better when they weren't together. For them, and for my brother and I.

Anyone who thinks that staying in an unhappy marriage for "the children" is wrong.

Love happens.

It's not calculating, it's not a manipulation. It is what it is.

I know the way you've struggled with this, Fi, and if you were in my father's life, if he found happiness with you, I would celebrate that. (And be astonished--my dad's gay--hehe)

I know the way you've been an absolute saint about this. You didn't seek out a relationship with this wonderful man in your life.
You sought to nurture, to comfort, and to help him repair the relationship with his wife. I'm not surprised he fell in love with you. You are amazing.

Anyone who knows you knows the truth. That you have the heart of a saint.
That you are simply wonderful.

It pisses me off to no end for one judgmental person to think they know what's going on.
Fuck that.

She doesn't know what she's missing. She's never had a love like you have in your life, my beautiful Fiona.
If she did, then she never would've posted such a comment.

Love you,

P.S. We all know misery loves company, right? And cowards delete their comments... :o)

Matt K. said...

Someone with that much anger in them is usually someone who is suffering greatly. Having said that, the suffering is often in part caused by their own actions. I agree with you completely - if she's that unhappy, her energy is better spent repairing her life rather than trying to tear down others to make hers look better.

(Y'see, you can learn something from Star Wars!)

D said...

Here here

kimba said...

Ah Fi.. I don't know what to say.. No-one can know yours or your loves whole stories and you shouldn't feel like you need to justify yourself to anyone.

I am sad that you had to kick some arse with this post..

Anonymous said...

I totally understand this post. Completely!!!

I have yet to figure out why people think they have our lives figured out when their life isn't exactly perfect.

I know what you mean when you say he is the love of your life. I have that too. And no one can discount that ... it doesn't matter how many mean and angry comments they post.

Jac said...

This just goes to how amazingly complex all human relationships are, and how foolish it is to try and judge another persons' life or generalize from our own experiences. This is me shaking my head in amazement over the similarities in our basic human needs, but all the varied personal nuances we bring to similar dramas!

freebird said...

I would like to echo what the others have said, also to applaud your courage in allowing your blog to be open to comment from anyone. Slightly red-faced, I have to say that this is the sort of thing that is the reason why mine isn't. It's not just the comments, but I learned from someone else's bad experience that people with an axe to grind can actually be quite destructive. We all know you both didn't undertake this decision lightly and without conscience - and so do you. That's all that matters. Love to you, Fi. x

Fiona said...

George - Thank you. It's true, we put things out in the wide open spaces of blogland and it can attract those with very different opinions. Every experience, every situation is different and I really don't like it when mine are painted with such a broad brush :)

Nish - I just don't get the hatred and classifying me the way they did. Thank you :)

Sal - You're absolutely right there Sal. Judging is not something any of us are entitled to do. I get that she's angry about her own life, but to be angry about mine just doesn't make any sense to me. You are one of a few around here, with whom I have an off-blog relationship. Those are the people who's opinions I value. Thank you for your words but really I'm no saint!! I do the best I can, like everyone I've stumbled. I've even allowed my dignity to be severely abused through betrayal. But I have also been able to walk away from it because it was the best thing for both of us. I certainly wouldn't live an unhappy life if I couldn't forgive. Hugs to you :)

Matt - Exactly. That energy could be put to so much better use. It's a waste of possibility. And possibility is something we should never lose sight of. With good lashings of reality thrown in to keep us on the right track :)

D - LOL thank you for that. Pins a fellow-illiterate badge on your chest ;)

Kimba - there was a day I'd have just taken those comments and shrugged. I'm glad to say those days are over. I fight now, for what I believe in. And I say what I mean, without feeling I'm justifying myself :)

OB - I don't want to walk in her shoes and I'm not asking her to walk in mine. Quite possibly we each would have handled the situation differently if our roles were reversed. I wouldn't presume to try to tell her what to do with her life though ;)

Jac - You have such wisdom. I'm so glad my readership brings to me such wisdom and the ability to see beyond the surface :)

FB - Well, it's like Anna said in a previous comment. This is probably an opportunity for all of us to find a better life. To be angry about someone else's life is unreasonable. I know you had to take your blog private. She also has a private blog. I don't want to have to do that. I truly wish her no malice but I'll be damned if she thinks she can come here and pass judgement on me and the man I love, based solely on her own experiences. Hugs to you :)

sophie n said...

i echo everyone else...

don't know what else to say but right or wrong, you stand up for those you love and what you believe and that is a truly noble and admirable thing fi...


Fiona said...

Thank you Soph. What I value the most from my blogfriends, is their balance. They don't necessarily agree with everything I do, but they are mature enough to understand who I am and to refrain from judging. Good to see you! :)

NWO said...

Human relationships don't fit into pre-arranged molds very well. Good for you. Enjoy the moments.... we only get so many of them in a lifetime.

Fiona said...

Amen NWO - and thank you :) Yes we are DEFINITELY making the most of being blessed by each other!

anna said...

Her comment angered me and made me pity her all at once. I'm just sorry that she upset you.

You have my support and admiration.

Fiona said...

Anna - Truth be told that angry bit passed quickly. I pity her too. It's only when we get to the point of taking responsibility and not pointing fingers to pass blame, that we really get to the root of our problems. Tags and labels get us nowhere. Thank you for your support and admiration, it means so very much to me, coming from such a wonderful person :)


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