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Monday, October 15, 2007

Name Calling is Interesting

A short while ago, I received several juvenile comments on a post I'd made. One of them was this gem:

fiona the adulteress said...

Of course there was no identification, no trackback to who had placed it there. But then again, it's not really the sort of handiwork one would want to own up to, is it?

It did get me thinking, though, about that wonderful word being bandied about in the statement, "whore", the primary definition of which is: "A woman who engages in sexual acts for money, a prostitute". I rather like this statement, too: "However, its definition may be extended loosely to include any sexual act for any type of compensation." Well, that means I'm no whore as I have never, not in this relationship nor any other, bartered sexual activity for a monetary reward or any other remuneration, whether financial or in kind. Not gifts, not flowers, not dinners, not vacations. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I've had so few sexual partners, a fact I'm very comfortable with.

I knew a man, once, who had to buy affection and intimacy from his ex-wife. A new car here, a fur coat (ugh!) there, once even a diamond ring. Now that, to me, is an absolute and utter whore. His wife, yes. A whore, yes. The sad part is, there are quite a few men being taken in by that sort of woman, who think it's normal to maintain a balance sheet of sex for gifts. I was the woman who came after her in his life and nothing could repair his lack of self-esteem. He never managed to understand that sometimes you can just love a person without material reward being involved.

And then there are women and men who use sex as a weapon. Who offer it up then withdraw it because it's a game. Who make the other person want it then say they don't. It's a powerful thing, sex, but it should never become a commodity to be traded. Sex to me always has meaning, it can't just be a 'release' or the equivalent of a workout. It's precious and meaningful and is to be valued. That's not to say I don't enjoy many types of sex, from the loving, gentle, tender style, to the hard, urgent, take-me-now sort of love-making. But only with a man I love.

I've seen comments and posts in blogland where women speak of wanting the gifts, the dinners, the vacations, the attention, before they'll 'put out'. And in more serious instances, there are women who prostitute themselves for the daily necessities, for a myriad of reasons. A woman wrote a comment on a friend's blog a little while back, basically saying that it was the time of month when she had to offer up sex to her husband, in order to keep a roof over her head. I'm not meaning to put anyone down when I speak of this, and I'm not privvy to the circumstances surrounding such statements. Perhaps I'm just lucky that I've never had to make that sort of trade off. Or perhaps I just never would.

But a whore? No, I'm not.


Fusion said...

The person who wrote that was off thier cracker for sure, and whore is a word I would never associate with you ever Fiona.

Guru, yes ;)

Nice post. I can't imagine buying a relationship. Why bother?

D said...


Where your going your going to have to start saying hoe but then you ain't one of those either. Although I have never met you I think your one of the most principled people I know and have dealt with this mindless idiot with grace humour and style. Good on you I say !

Jonas said...

Ah, yes, a blast from the Christian Taliban...so proud of their (assumed) piety...so arrogant in their rectitude...

So oblivious to Christ's admonition to "judge not"!

Loving Annie said...

Good Monday morning to you, Fiona.

I came over here via Fusion's blog - and the wonderful comment that you left him yesterday when he was in pain and looking at the sum of his life.

Then I read your excellent post here on name calling.

Yes, it is interesting how the cowards are quick to criticize and judge, yet not acknowledge exactly who they are.

Sort of destroys their credibility and makes them look petty from the get-go, doesn't it ? :)

I never understood the charm of a man wanting to pay for a woman's affection - or vice-versa. But maybe that is because I've always been independent financially. Love was always more important to me than money - and still is.

I'm dating a man now who I think uses sex as a weapon - and I'm about to end things with him because I don't want that kind of pain.

Sex and intimacy should be an equal exchange motivated by care and respect. Period. No games.

I think seeing a married man - or one with a girlfriend - is ultimately incredibly painful. All you really get is an occasional hard-on and an eventual heartache in most cases. It is a choice that may seem harmless, but often ends up damaging everyone involved more than they ever thought possible or likely.

Seems like the name calling was more out of fear and jealousy and resentment and anger.
Whore isn't accurate, while "heartbreaker" may be --but even then, 50% of the responsibility lies directly at her husband's doorstep. And too many women forget that. The man wasn't a helpless victim - he cooperated. Fully. If not initated, which he may very well have done, pretending he didn't plan it, that it just 'happenned'... Hogwash. No-one forces you to take your pants off. It is a decision.

Loving Annie

Anonymous said...

I like what Jonas had to say. I think you were restrained, I would have deleted all the comments. Is it the same angry woman who hates her life so much?

Lea said...

I was dating a man who was separated from his wife. I nicknamed him Catch on my blog. His wife was seeing someone else, and she told Catch that she was only keeping this other guy around (while she was trying to convince Catch to take her back) because he paid for things. That is prostitution.

I told Catch she was trying to do the same to him, that she needed someone to pay for things for her, and she either wanted him to do it or the other guy to do it. Apparently Catch was willing to do it, because he took her back.

But that is still a case of being a whore, being with a man because she needs him, not because she wanted him, both with Catch and the "Other Man". The sad part is that Catch knew that, and he still took her back. He wanted her, she needed him. He knew that she didn't want him, but needed him, and he was ok with that.

I want more that that, and it seems you do as well. You don't deserve that label, I can tell.

Sunny Delight said...

Hmmm, when I first read the comment, it hit me quite viscerally, instant nausea...I find myself continually taken aback by the viciousness of some of our so-called fellow human beings.

Then, I had to think about your entry itself, with the thought, that perhaps in my own life I whored myself to my husband, I adore sexual intimacy ('tis no secret), yet there were times I "engaged" in the sexual act with my husband not because I wanted to, but because I knew I would pay if I did not. I would receive anger, resentment, the silent treatment, and guilt...thus, there were times I felt as if I whored myself to keep the peace.

Miranda said...

This place is crawling with weirdos.

Thanks for your concern, I'm back now.

~Tim said...

The difference between free sex and sex for money is that free sex always ends up costing more....

Matt K. said...

You gave a well-thought out and measured response to a post that frankly didn't even deserve the attention. Brava.

Serenity said...

Wow i never have gotten a comment like that and i am unrepentant about associating with married men. I think i'm jealous of you. :)
I think we get insulated in our little corner of the blogosphere and forget that we are also part of a very large and mostly completely insane online universe. It's kinda scary actually. I suspect the weirdos outnumber the normals...

freebird said...

Ah, I think I know a whole couple who are doing that to each other for the same reason - to keep the roof over both their heads. And the silly man chose that rather than a life with someone who had pure love for him, not what he could provide, and like you, never expected or wanted gifts.

Anonymous said...

Wow. This post looks just like something I could have put into my own blog. I'll definitely be back to read more.

kimba said...

Ahhh Fi. I think I know who the weirdo is too pet. I absolutely pity the man that is shackled to her.. She sounds an absolute bitter, nasty nutcase.

I am disappointed in people who judge others on their righteous beliefs without seeing that the truth of a situation is only available to those that are in it.

Please know that there are more that understand and envy your love than there are that want to tear you down. Even though the hateful comments hurt, from one who used to be a friend no less, they come from a bitter place that we are lucky not to have in our own hearts.

The Last Spartan said...

Don't listen to that idiot. If you were to be a "whore", I'd expect a LOT more blog posts with interesting commentary on society.

Chin up. Don't lose sleep over the idiot.

sophie n said...

such rubbish and immaturity...

its a good thing you know who you are and are such a strong, level headed woman...

why must people let themselves be made fools of? as if such comments could be about you...

Fiona said...

You are all part of why I am so proud of my blogger friends :)

Fusion - you are so sweet, thank you :)

D - LOL at the 'hoe' bit!!! Why thank you kind sir, I don't know how else to be ;)

Jonas - don't you just love this 'Christian Taliban' movement **RME*. I'm a firm believer of - look to thyself before casting judgement.

Loving Annie - welcome to my blog :) I'm not too sure who's heart I broke when the marriage was already on the rocks long before I arrived. While I may have been the catalyst for change to occur, I don't and won't see myself as the instigator in the breakup of a marriage. Your words: Sex and intimacy should be an equal exchange motivated by care and respect. Period. No games. are so true and that is how I have always lived. Their name calling comes from failed relationships on their part and fear of this caricatured person known to them as 'the other woman'. You are absolutely correct about the 50% and that's what is so often forgotten. Noone forced either of us to take our pants off but we certainly didn't do it as a game or just for a bit of fun. We are going to be together next year. Thank you for your sincere and thought-provoking comments :)

Deb - I prefer not to delete or restrict access. And besides, it all sort of backfired on them anyway :)

Lea - there are men who get sucked back into bad relationships, who seem to be under some sort of spell. Perhaps they just don't think enough of themselves to be with a woman who truly cares about them. I hope you find what you deserve, too. There are some wonderful men out there and they deserve equally wonderful women...and vice versa :)

Sunny - my dear woman, you will soon have it all. And you deserve it all. You made the conscious decision that you didn't want to go on like that and I am so proud of you. Hugs.

Miranda - LOL it is indeed. I prefer to live my own life than sit in judgement of others, it's a far better way to spend my time ;) I'm so glad you're back!

Tim - in the relationships where bartering goes on, you're absolutely right!! :)

Matt - isn't it wonderful, though, that such shit can fertilise good thoughts from so many people ;)

Serenity - well, not that I'm a serial married man chaser ;) but yes, there are some strange people in the world, even in blogland. I just don't understand what they get out of it. I gained from it, in that so many wonderful people have come to share their thoughts on this. And it's not like they are all 'friends' supporting me, in fact a few are first-time posters.

FB - indeed you do know such a couple. Imagine when it's played both ways like they do (shudders). It takes courage to step out into the unknown, I'm glad my man and I have that courage. I know it will be richly rewarded :) And you WILL find someone deserving of your love, you will. Hugs

Silent Male - welcome to my blog. From their stupidity came our wisdom. And that's the difference between being negative and being positive. Those energies frame our emotions.

Kimba - I think it's not the woman who deleted her comment before and inspired my post after she did that. I believe it's one of her little group of cronies, though. They rather gave it away by using Sunshine and Little Wing as fake commenters ;) I absolutely agree, we are lucky not to have that space in our hearts that they have in theirs, filled with pus and bile that they spew forth thinking they can intimidate.

Last Spartan - LOL I'd also have a lot of more interesting things to blog about I suspect ;) The life of a whore probably makes for a stimulating read :)

Sophie - my wise one. You hit the nail on the head. They didn't hurt, they amused me and ended up being hoisted by their own petard ;)

Sunshine said...

What a great post, and some
interesting comments. Especially this one from Kimba "the truth of a situation is only available to those that are in it." So true!
I think the reason I dislike anyone being called names like whore is that it completely devalues the person and no one deserves that. Every person is of great value and should be treated with respect and decency regardless of what we think they have done (even prostitutes).
And jonas what makes you think the commenter is a christian? I didn't think the motivation behind these comments had anything to do with that but rather bitterness and anger due to their own betrayal.

Jonas said...

You raise a good point, Ms. Sunshine. That's just my knee-jerk reaction to the (un)Christian verbiage: "Repent! All ye whores out there! Repent!"

I'd be surprised if it were a Buddhist spewing that...

Who Me? said...

Great post Fi, and some really interesting and well written comments too

"the truth of a situation is only available to those that are in it."

As Sunshine said, this line from Kimba's comment really hits the nail on the head.

I feel very sorry for the person who left the juvenile "whore" comment. It's sad that her life is so empty that she feels the need to try to degrade and harass other people.

The fact of the matter is, that the bait she is leaving, with the ridiculous alias's she seems to enjoy making up for people is being ignored, and will continue to be ignored :)

With any luck, eventually she will realise what an ass she is making of herself and move on to something more constructive.

Laurie said...

Fiona, sorry you got shit on by some nameless blogger. We are all vulnerable to it, for sure.

When you discuss women who prostitute themselves for cars, furs, etc. or a woman who says she has to have sex with her husband to keep a roof over her head -- I feel so so much better about my life now, my divorce.

Lately, I been questioning that I made a mistake in divorcing because he is doing so well financially and I am plummeting. His new wife has a custom-built home, etc.

But you know what, I'd rather be broke than selling my body and soul for some added square footage and a cleaning lady.

Thank you.


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