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Tuesday, January 15, 2008


I got back home this morning and went straight into work.

I'm tired and fuzzy but I need to be distracted, to be busy.

They feel strange. My home, my body, my mind.

Especially my mind. As though I can't trust it.

A simple calculation earlier today stumped me.

I kept going back to check it. Over and over again.

I suddenly feel all grown up.

And at the same time like a little girl.

My mum and dad are both gone.

It's a strange sensation.


Dahlia said...

Hi there, got here from Matt K.'s blog...so sorry about your loss. I can't possibly imagine what you are going through.

just a thought said...

I've checked everyday for you. Selfishly thinking of myself, I'm glad you're back. I wish I had something more comforting to say, but that's all that seems to fill my thoughts...I'm glad you're back.

Gillette said...

I know you've been hearing it, but I'll add my voice again: please be gentle with yourself, Fiona.

This is Big.

...And the pieces will continue to gently whisper themselves to you over a long space in time.

Hugs your way.

S'mee said...

Welcome back Fi. I know what you mean. The realisation about being an orphan, and being released from responsability. Missed you.

IanS X

Sunny Delight said...

I echo so many of the thoughts of others. This is big, more than most of us can take in all at once...something that involves so many varied emotions. I send hugs, and warm loving thoughts.

NWO said...

So sorry about the loss. Yet, you were a good daughter at the end when it counted most. No mother could wish for more. Bless you.

Miranda said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Fiona. One day at a time ((((BIG HUGS))))

Jonas said...

Oh, Fiona, this orphan understands...

I wish I could give you a big hug!

panthergirl said...

Fiona, I read the comment you left on my blog in response to my son's essay about lung cancer. I am so, so sorry for your loss. What people who haven't been through this don't realize is that there is anger that makes the grief even more difficult. It's the knowing that this suffering could have been avoided that is SO hard to deal with.

Our hearts go out to you.

Fusion said...

Dear Fiona,
I too am glad you're back home safely, and I too agree with Gillette. It is big, I was thinking about it to last month when my mom had a bloodclot, and what if? What if...
And I thought of it again when I read of your mum's passing.
I've felt those feelings of being grown up and little again myself.
Time will heal, and make things a new normal for you.
Thinking of you,

just a thought said...

I'm only telling you this because I hope it brings a small smile to your eyes, but what will probably happen is you thinking some of your readers are real nutjobs. I haven't experienced yet what you're going through so I won't pretend to understand the nuances of emotions that you must be dealing with. I do know though that I already hate the word 'orphan' in this case. Anyways, that wasn't what I was going to tell you. What I was going to tell you is that I dreamt about you last night. All your friends and I had gone to your condo/apartment(?) and you were missing. In fact, you'd been missing for three days. While standing outside your building looking around hoping to find you, your dog shows up. Not Lupo but a three-legged white highland terrier (had to look that up). We could only assume the missing leg had been used in some diabolical ransom demand. Make a long story short and not hijack your blog - your friends follow the poor puppy (who was named Fi by the way)and the cab driver who showed up and told us you had gone on a date with some ill-tempered German to some industrial part of town. The German was part of a terrorist group and they were keeping you hostage. The bastards had made you paint your hair blue (paint not dye), although there was defiance in your eyes and a broad ring of ginger showing through around the bottom. Anyways, guns (impossibly large machine guns) blazing, your friends burst through shooting the whole gang and rescue you.

Don't ask me. I have no idea.

D said...

Fi Hope your settling back into HK life well and not just throwing yourself back into your work although I know that would be a very easy thing to do. Take care of yourself and remember although they may no longer be present physically both your parents will always be with you in reality. D x P.S. Hope Peggy managed to get in touch.

freebird said...

Fi, do take care of yourself.

A'certain acquaintence' of mine (who I'm not supposed to talk about any more!) who lost both parents in the last three years described the feeling as 'anchorless'.
Yes, grown up and childlike at the same time, just you to take care of and to be in charge. You will adjust, but take it slowly.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to give yourself time and space to grieve sweetie. And I'm sorry it hurts so much.

George said...

Fiona ... I can't add anything that hasn't already been said.

Take the time to heal ... [[[HUGS]]] young lady

Emily said...

Dear Fiona

I know I haven't commented for a long time, but I have been reading you and thinking of you.

I am so very sorry for your loss. However flawed and difficult your mother was, she was still your mother.

Thinking of you very much


Emily xox

kimba said...

The pain and tiredness will gently pass.. the feeling of being a child alone will dull as well, in time, but never truly go away.

Truly a new phase beginning in your life. It's a mixed joy. Take care.

Seeker said...

Just to say that I too am so sorry for your loss.

Be gentle with yourself.

anna said...

I don't know what to say. I wish I could find a way to provide some comfort. If I was with you, I would just sit with you and listen to whatever you wanted to say and do my best to help you with ordinary day to day stuff. All I can offer at this point is a virtual hug and virtual shoulder and ear.

I hope that fuzzy tiredness passes soon and you're back to your vibrant self before long. Be good to yourself, Fiona.


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