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Friday, January 18, 2008

Thank You

Thank you so much everyone who has left me a comment or an email. I'm disastrously behind at work and even in my own life. My apartment is a shambles and I really must try to get to grips with it this weekend. Dear lord even my hair is a mess, being three weeks late for its periodic tidy up (hopefully to be fixed today at lunchtime).

I have felt so much love and friendship from all of you and I'm truly sorry I haven't had the time to comment individually to each and every one of you. Work has swallowed me up and on top of it there are still things going on with regard to the end of my mother's life, which I have been left to take care of. Rhona has been a bit of a help as she stayed on in the house, though not to primarily get involved in all these details, but more to receive friends and boyfriend for some holiday time.

I'm dealing with what I feel in my gut to be a shyster lawyer, the same guy who duped my mother into signing a new will with him and his partner as sole executors, and who was none too pleased by the fact I forced myself onto that little panel. Now I see what's going on I'm glad I did, even though it has left me with a lot of things to sort out, not the least of which is coming to grips with his fees.

Now I understand lawyers charge for their time - and charge VERY well too, but when he wants to charge me for his time AND take a percentage of everything that realises from her estate, I'm a little peeved. His defence: The Auditor of the Court will determine what is fair and equitable. My reply: I want to know how much we're talking about and I still do not see why you should benefit from the good sense my parents had in planning their own finances. After all, to close a Trust and pay it out takes the same amount of time whether it's worth a hundred pounds or a hundred thousand pounds and why should your income be dependent on what is in the fund?

Oh and to add insult to injury, he reviewed his fees with us at a meeting we all had with him and mentioned only the hourly rate. This has already become unpleasant but something tells me he's more used to dealing with people intimidated by a diploma on a wall (he practices in a deeply rural area). No offence meant by that remark, only there are a lot of widows out there like my mother, who couldn't see the sinister side of what he did.

I think what has struck me the hardest over the past few days is that I no longer have family above me and I have no family below me. Basically it's me and my sister and she will always, I think, be someone leaning, rather than someone to lean on. All of a sudden, I feel fear, I feel trepidation, I feel insecurity. Yes, this from capable, dependable Fiona. I'm suddenly worried about today, tomorrow, next week. Nothing specific, just a general sense of dis-ease.

As an example, my love forgot about IM-ing me when he got to work the other day and that became a huge issue for me. Feelings of abandonment rose inside me and I made a fuss about it. But at the same time I didn't try and reach him any other way, which I would have done a month ago. I just sat there feeling hurt, lost and unwanted. And a little worried as I knew the roads were icy.

I don't know what's up, it's just that nothing feels the same and I don't feel confident about anything, least of all myself. I hope this passes. Soon.

But after all that ranting, back to the purpose of this post. Again, thank you all for caring so much about me.


George said...

You'll be good Fiona ... you are still in a space that nobody likes to be. When you get reborn, so to speak, you'll be well, particularly as the times shortens and gets closer to your departure.

Be well, sweetie

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with more shit. That just doesn't seem right. It will get better. In time.


D said...

Oh Fiona that Calvinist way of upbringing is coming out which is no surprise given your current situation. Please don't be so hard on yourself and give yourself the time and licence to not be quite yourself at the moment. Your world has changed irrevocably and it will take time to settle down again. I'm sure your other half will understand the odd moment of panic, irrational behaviour or madness and support you through it. Take care of yourself and don't try to do too much too soon. Dx

just a thought said...

You make me smile Fiona lol. I was wondering when we'd hear from you again and capable, dependable Fiona doesn't know how to disappoint. Taking care of business at work, battling shyster lawyers half a world away, and still have time to imagine you're neglecting your friends. Your steadfastness is quite reassuring, although I think it'd be nice,just once, to hear about how wildly irresponsible and self-indulgent you've been.
I don't understand the loss of both parents, or either for that matter, but I do understand the fear, trepidation, or whatever you want to call it. Dis-ease sounds spot-on. You've lost your anchor. As amazing as friends can be, only family are cosmically obligated to put up with your shit. No children to worry over, no parents to disappoint (or vice versa). No one you're obligated to see in person at least once a year for fear of large amounts of guilt heaped on you. When you show up on someone's doorstep because you've managed to find yourself in a bind, friends have the option of saying, 'geez, Fi, you know if it was just me, but the wife/kids/mom,etc....' or 'I'd love to help but I'm in a bit of a bind myself..'. Family just calls you an idiot and walks away grumbling, leaving you to find your own way to the spare room. I wish I could give you that Fiona. I hope you can find something similar with your mysterious,faceless man and his children. Maybe that's why the momentary panic.
It all gets better. I don't know this for a fact, but I imagine it does because it has to. That dis-ease becomes muffled by the cacophany of life. Now go and do something ridiculously self-indulgent. Weeks later when you find time to tell us about it, I'll call you an idiot if it'll make you feel better.

Miranda said...

Lawyers are evil. I tell you pure evil.

I hope it will get better soon.

((Big hugs)) know that She's right beside you.

Jac said...

When you lose a parent, you cry the tears of a child, no matter how old you are. Give yourself time to cry and heal. There's nothing anyone can say to make this "better." But know that strong Fiona has a loving community, out here, giving you one big and ongoing hug. You aren't alone.

S'mee said...

I don't envy you your walk through the minefield with a lawyer by your side. My 'walk' is nearly over, but I was halfway along the road before my mother died.

Question every penny, it's my only advice.

IanS. X

Gillette said...

Blessings and love your way, Fiona.

Crying is a good thing. Sobbing was my friend when I became an orphan...sometimes when I was walking around work, the tears would just be streaming.

You are strong. You are capable. You are wonderful, you are all of that.

And right now, and maybe for at least a year...yes...it takes time.... I'm hoping you also ALLOW vulnerable, weak, weepy, upset, and all those things that aren't "strong" without expectation to be anywhere else than where you are.

When was the last time you were silently held?

I'm thinkin' your man needs to take a trip to see you and do just that.

Fusion said...

wow, nothing to add to the wisdom already left here.

Just a hug for you my dear friend.
Hang in there, cry when you need to, laugh when you can, and don't forget it's one step at a time...

Sunny Delight said...

As Fusion said there is much wisdom in this blog family of yours...you my friend will never be alone in our hearts and minds.

You will find within yourself so many varied emotions, so very many...positive and negative...as that was your life with this woman you called mother. They are acceptable, all necessary, all healing in their way.

Much love and many hugs being sent your way.

Matt K. said...

There has to be some kind of authority in England that you can report a suspicious lawyer to. It might be worth checking out. But don't spread yourself to thin - pick your battles carefully, and conserve your energy so you have it when you need it most.

I think, in time, you're going to be just fine.


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