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Monday, March 31, 2008

The Big Black Hole

Growing up, I had a feeling that I was empty inside and there lived within me, a big black hole. Throughout so many of my years, I tried to fill it up.

First, I tried by shoveling food into myself. And developing eating disorders that took so long to later conquer. Disorders that, to this day, affect my relationship with food. Then I tried to find my worth through my work. Devouring the world around me until I crashed and burned. Frozen into inactivity, I couldn't function. For over a week, I said not one word to anyone, I just couldn't speak. Thankfully, I had people around me who pulled me close and watched over me until I found myself again. Later, I invested everything in a relationship based on need, his need for only what I could provide. In the mistaken belief that I could make his life better and thereby obtain his affection. But none of these worked. I remained, throughout it all, empty. Hollow. Echoing inside.

It is only now, so very recently, that I realise all I needed was the kind of love that taught me to love myself as a part of it. A love which has totally filled that black hole. Which has cemented over all my cracks. Which has turned any negativity I have held against myself, into a feeling of goodness and well-being. Which has altered every shade of grey I have ever felt, into bright hues of hope and joy.

I never thought I'd ever lose that deep, ingrained feeling of emptiness. I'm so grateful to have been found and in being found, to have found myself. I'm now experiencing what it's like to be loved with a purity and honesty that helps me define myself. To be allowed to love someone back, with the same purity and honesty that my soul has always searched for, has longed to find. And equally, has longed to give.

And one of the best things about all this - that such a big part of this love, is loving someone as much as he loves me. Sharing our lives, our futures, our hopes and dreams. Sharing our selves.

8 comments:

Sunny Delight said...

Huge huge Hug. I am so glad you have gotten rid of that hole.

My eyes filled with tears as I read this, I had a similar hole for so many years...it resided in a walled off section of my mind...it would envelope me, until I felt so lost.

My children were a part of my saving grace, months and months of therapy, years of journaling and then a few special friends helped me continue my journey toward that hole being filled.

You make me smile my friend to think your heart may be filled with peace and joy now. Love you.

deb said...

This makes me smile and makes my heart glad.

Jonas said...

May you both love each other fiercely, and hold each other tenderly.

Congratulations to you both!

Fusion said...

What Sunny D and Deb said Fiona, I'm smiling with damp eyes for you.
SO very happy for you both!

freebird said...

You are indeed blessed. Smiles and hugs to you both.

Steve said...

I am lucky.
The luckiest man in the world.
And committed to Fiona for the rest of my life.

I admire Fiona...she is so admirable!
I cherish, love, want and need her.
The best kind of need only.

I am so proud of my wife. Fiona amazes me time and time again.

She is my wisdom...my gentle wisdom... and patient...never irritated with me, even when I can be irritated with myself or my personal circumstances sometimes...and I tell about them.

She doesn't even have to really say much, in order for me to know what I should do or see...she just listens to me..and, I look at her...i feel seen...I feel her touching me...and I know.

And her words and actions toward me are so loving...so caring...understanding...calming.

Joy...we enjoy each other.
Delight....we delight in each other.
Touch...share...sense...believe...in US...
passionately!

And We lie in bed. Feet touching feet...arms and legs intertwined like pretzels. Her kisses tasting so damn good..all the time - .even first thing in the morning. And her eyes...those eyes that see me as the man that I was born to be...the man that was meant to see and share with her...the man I am when I am with her, a better man for being loved by her than I ever could be...looking lovingly at me...desiring me...inviting me...HOME.

I am so so so sooooooo fucking lucky!

kimba said...

*smiling*
just
*smiling*

Veracity said...

*smiles too*

The sheer joy in these words are palpable and infectious...

 

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