The Big Black Hole

Growing up, I had a feeling that I was empty inside and there lived within me, a big black hole. Throughout so many of my years, I tried to fill it up.

First, I tried by shoveling food into myself. And developing eating disorders that took so long to later conquer. Disorders that, to this day, affect my relationship with food. Then I tried to find my worth through my work. Devouring the world around me until I crashed and burned. Frozen into inactivity, I couldn't function. For over a week, I said not one word to anyone, I just couldn't speak. Thankfully, I had people around me who pulled me close and watched over me until I found myself again. Later, I invested everything in a relationship based on need, his need for only what I could provide. In the mistaken belief that I could make his life better and thereby obtain his affection. But none of these worked. I remained, throughout it all, empty. Hollow. Echoing inside.

It is only now, so very recently, that I realise all I needed was the kind of love that taught me to love myself as a part of it. A love which has totally filled that black hole. Which has cemented over all my cracks. Which has turned any negativity I have held against myself, into a feeling of goodness and well-being. Which has altered every shade of grey I have ever felt, into bright hues of hope and joy.

I never thought I'd ever lose that deep, ingrained feeling of emptiness. I'm so grateful to have been found and in being found, to have found myself. I'm now experiencing what it's like to be loved with a purity and honesty that helps me define myself. To be allowed to love someone back, with the same purity and honesty that my soul has always searched for, has longed to find. And equally, has longed to give.

And one of the best things about all this - that such a big part of this love, is loving someone as much as he loves me. Sharing our lives, our futures, our hopes and dreams. Sharing our selves.