Hard

It's hard. Harder than I expected. We've been doing this for almost two years but that doesn't make it any easier. Every day of waking alone, of going to sleep alone, is harder than the one before. I feel the weight of the ring on my finger reminding me, taunting me almost, that it's not meant to be like this. We've done everything to prove to each other that we are committed to this relationship, that we believe in our future. We just have to decide when that future is going to start, with us being in the same corner of the world, together.

I ache for him. I ache for him physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I ache to smell him, taste him, touch him, hear him. I ache to be just close enough to see him smiling at me with all the love he has for me, shining from deep within him, through his beautiful blue eyes. I ache for the richness of his laughter when I say something that touches his funny bone. I ache to see that sexy mouth of his spread in a smile, knowing he hasn't had enough of those in his life. I ache to reach over and brush the hair off his forehead and feel him push against my hand without even thinking about it. I ache to hear him tell me about something he's read and which he thinks I'll find interesting. I ache to stand with my arms outstretched and have him walk right into my embrace. I ache to lie in bed all twisted up with him, trying to press as much of my bare flesh as I can, against his warm flesh. I ache to sit and eat with him, talking, sharing, being. I ache for the way his mouth tastes and feels, when we kiss. I ache for his warm breath on my neck as he sleeps. I just plain old ache for him.

Our love is obvious. As Jennifer, the barmaid at the Santa Fe hotel said to us, with a grin, serving up her delicious mojitos steeped in freshly muddled mint: "You know, the trouble with you two is that you just don't seem to enjoy each other's company!" We glow, we shine, we bathe in each other's light.

We're not sure when work schedules will allow us to have a visit. Two weeks, four weeks, two months even, perhaps. I know we've made our bed in which we rarely lie together, but yes, we have made this bed. For the time being. Because we're so damn practical. Economics to bear in mind. Work commitments to respect. Other people to put first.

Oh, I know all the rationales, the explanations. The fact that what we're doing is right on many levels: To avoid being selfish; to keep gainfully employed as we save for our future; to respect trusts placed in each of us. I can reason with myself, we can reason with each other.

But still, it sucks. Big time.