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Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Hard



It's hard. Harder than I expected. We've been doing this for almost two years but that doesn't make it any easier. Every day of waking alone, of going to sleep alone, is harder than the one before. I feel the weight of the ring on my finger reminding me, taunting me almost, that it's not meant to be like this. We've done everything to prove to each other that we are committed to this relationship, that we believe in our future. We just have to decide when that future is going to start, with us being in the same corner of the world, together.

I ache for him. I ache for him physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I ache to smell him, taste him, touch him, hear him. I ache to be just close enough to see him smiling at me with all the love he has for me, shining from deep within him, through his beautiful blue eyes. I ache for the richness of his laughter when I say something that touches his funny bone. I ache to see that sexy mouth of his spread in a smile, knowing he hasn't had enough of those in his life. I ache to reach over and brush the hair off his forehead and feel him push against my hand without even thinking about it. I ache to hear him tell me about something he's read and which he thinks I'll find interesting. I ache to stand with my arms outstretched and have him walk right into my embrace. I ache to lie in bed all twisted up with him, trying to press as much of my bare flesh as I can, against his warm flesh. I ache to sit and eat with him, talking, sharing, being. I ache for the way his mouth tastes and feels, when we kiss. I ache for his warm breath on my neck as he sleeps. I just plain old ache for him.

Our love is obvious. As Jennifer, the barmaid at the Santa Fe hotel said to us, with a grin, serving up her delicious mojitos steeped in freshly muddled mint: "You know, the trouble with you two is that you just don't seem to enjoy each other's company!" We glow, we shine, we bathe in each other's light.

We're not sure when work schedules will allow us to have a visit. Two weeks, four weeks, two months even, perhaps. I know we've made our bed in which we rarely lie together, but yes, we have made this bed. For the time being. Because we're so damn practical. Economics to bear in mind. Work commitments to respect. Other people to put first.

Oh, I know all the rationales, the explanations. The fact that what we're doing is right on many levels: To avoid being selfish; to keep gainfully employed as we save for our future; to respect trusts placed in each of us. I can reason with myself, we can reason with each other.

But still, it sucks. Big time.

9 comments:

Jac said...

And it will make your being together all the more delicious. You'll NEVER take each other for granted!!!

panthergirl said...

Ohhh.... long distance relationships are so hard!

anna said...

I was hoping you'd be together by now. I hope it will be very very soon.

George said...

Fiona, I disagree with one thing you said ... "Other people to put first" ... what a terribly unselfish thing to do, but it doesn't make it right. It's about time you think of you ... I have been reading you long enough to realize that you tend to put everybody else first ... time to start thinking of you first.

Sunny Delight said...

I guess this is one of those times in life you truly do cherish every moment.

Have faith in the weight of that ring my friend...it has the full weight of your mutual love in it.

the last spartan said...

Fiona,

What you are doing now is one of the hardest things in a marriage...especially a new one.

I know it's easy to say cherish the "what is" rather than lament the "what isn't" and that's only one approach to this.

You/we are fortunate to live in an age where people continents away can be linked in communication as opposed to 150 years ago when all you had was a hand-written letter, a pony and a steamship.

Fortunately, you have a blog to jot it all down in and someday you will look back on it with vivid remembrance for you took the time to document how you feel.

Remember that the ring is not a "weight" but rather a "promise" and its shape implies the never-ending nature of the love or the promise.

There will be a happy end in sight. It just seems far off at this time. I wish you all of the strength and stamina you can muster.

freebird said...

Ah, I was about to say something along the lines of 'just think how much harder it would be without....etc.', when TLS beat me to it!
Your list of things you miss and ache for raised a nostalgic smile!
I can only echo the wise and sympathetic words of all the others who have commented already.
Have a hug (X) both of you.

Fiona said...

I'm going to whip my own ass and get back to responding to comments....

Jac - You're right, every moment IS delicious :) Plus I don't believe we could ever take one another for granted, this journey to togetherness, while not yet completed, has taught us that!

Panthergirl - aren't they just. But we have the strength and confidence in each other, to weather getting through this home stretch :)

Anna - gosh me too. And while not trying to make excuses, this economic situation and uncertainty helps us to make sense of me staying put, at least in the short term.

George - I know you're right, it's a hard thing to break out of though. Believe it or not, I'm better than I used to be. I can't not consider the feelings and needs of children, though. We'll get there, maybe not as soon as we had first hoped for, but we WILL get there :) I miss your blog!

Sunny - thank you. For this and the emails. I have faith in the ring, the man, the marriage. It's a good one :)

LS - It's true, we speak on the phone at least once a day, we have emails and text messages. And air travel - I've put in a good 36,000 miles already on travel to the US so far this year. Good for the mileage programme! And yes, the ring is a promise, a deep commitment to what we share. Thank you :)

FB - it's true, I am lucky, blessed in fact, to have this wonderful man in my life, and to have so many ways to 'be' with him. While sometimes the missing part consumes me, there's never a moment I don't realise that beyond the missing, the love is so damn strong that it will get us through anything :)

Marc said...

I know exactly how you feel and am living the same thing. I count the days, curse at the hours and hope that the days comes soon.

Beautiful writing.

Marc

 

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