Six Weeks Later.....

Update:

Flights - check and thank you my travel agent for pulling this seemingly impossible feat, out of the hat.

Spa Pool Villa at Banyan Tree Phuket - check check check - and thank you my good friend for making such an amazing honeymoon possible!!!

The Spa Pool Villa epitomizes the Banyan Tree experience of romance, indulgence and rejuvenation. Its elegant 'floating' bed pavilion is set amidst tranquil lily ponds; the king-sized bed is draped in pure Thai silk and looks up on a canopy ceiling adorned with soft fabrics that sway gently in the breeze. Your dedicated in-villa spa, private pool, jet-pool, outdoor shower and sunken bath set the stage for passionate nights and pure relaxation.

Passionate nights and pure relaxation are the order of the day :)

Finally we're getting our honeymoon. My husband (that always brings a huge smile to my face) is coming out for a visit, for two whole weeks! Apart from seeing Hong Kong and meeting all my awesome friends, I'm planning a real getaway. Time to pull in a favour from someone who owes me a few. Most likely, we'll be spending five nights at one of these resorts. As we don't want to travel too far, it will be either Bintan (Indonesia) or Phuket (Thailand).

Personally, I have my eye on this one: The Spa Pool Villa epitomizes the Banyan Tree experience of romance, indulgence and rejuvenation. Its elegant 'floating' bed pavilion is set amidst tranquil lily ponds; the king-sized bed is draped in pure Thai silk and looks up on a canopy ceiling adorned with soft fabrics that sway gently in the breeze. Your dedicated in-villa spa, private pool, jet-pool, outdoor shower and sunken bath set the stage for passionate nights and pure relaxation:

There will be lots of lounging around. Lots of pillow time. Skinny-dipping in our private pool. Getting sand between our toes (and who knows where else) on the beach. Some great food. Spa treatments. And even a round or two of golf. But best of all, we get some time together. For just us. We need that so very badly.

How He Makes Me Feel

People will forget what you said.
They will forget what you did.
But they will never forget how you made them feel.

~ Maya Angelou ~

Aint that the truth!! Just a few words of wisdom from an amazing woman and an amazing writer.

Today is our one-month anniversary and I would just like to announce....that I LOVE HIM beyond words. Hence no attempt to describe the love I have for him. I will never, I can never, forget how he makes me feel. And that is L-O-V-E-D, just simply and truly and absolutely, loved.

Tesoro mio, I love you, always and in all ways - and I'd write it in big letters across the sky, if I could. Happy Anniversary my precious husband.

Getting There

A milestone passed yesterday, in that I have signed all the forms and documents required to take my mother's estate to 'confirmation'. Once the tax man reviews it all and makes sure he's getting his slice of the action, then it goes to the Sheriff for final sign off. It always makes me think of Robin Hood when they refer to an official as being the 'Sheriff'.

After that, the interesting part will begin. Fair apportionment of the sum total of our parents' lives. It's a strange feeling doing this - while I don't mind taking on the responsibility, and it is definitely an honour to have that trust given to me, there's just a small part of it which feels as though I'm peering into something so very private about my parents' affairs. As though I'm rummaging through their bedside drawers. I'm thankful, though, at the same time, as all three of us will benefit in no small way from my father's hard work and my mother's prudence. My brother and sister most of all, as they don't really have much/anything to fall back on and this will make a true difference in their lives.

I'd still give up every cent of it, to have my parents back. I wonder if my siblings feel the same way, though. Their constant questioning of when the process will be over, of when we can sell the house, of when funds will be available, sickens me somewhat. I totally 'get' that they are looking forward to their inheritance, but do they have to seem so greedy about it? And, has either of them offered to help me with anything, even beyond the legal stuff I committed myself to handling?

No. Not once. It's all left in my lap, including now a problem with the seawall upon which the house sits. I'm in no better position to handle it than either of them. In fact in terms of hours, I'm the furthest away. But of course all they see is that it may entail the need to pay out ahead of the estate being settled and neither wants to be responsible for that. In the meantime, I've raked up an outstanding account of over five figures (in sterling!) paying for things which needed to be paid for. Don't worry, I'm keeping very close tabs on this and the first payment that can be made, will be reimbursing me for those outlays.

It really is at times like these, that you realise what you're dealing with, when it comes to 'family'.

Revealed

I've shared my ups and downs, my struggles, my triumphs and defeats. You've been with me through so very much over the past almost two years. I've worn my eyes in my profile since the start.

Today, I've decided to share some more:

The face around the eyes.

Death of a Blog?

I can't believe it's almost a week since I posted. Where did those six days go? Swallowed up by life and work and, well, if I'm honest, just work.

I received some good, sound, sage advice from the comments to my last post. About doing more for me and less for those around me. I don't know if I can just change such a prominent facet of my personality. I know there are times I need to, though.

I do want to post more, I have these elusive thoughts about what might make for a good post. But that's all they are these days, fluttering thoughts. I can't seem to grab even one, sit down with it, and thrash it out. Damn things just float away and I feel a sense of unfinished business with each and every one of them.

I start work every day before 7am and here I am, now, at almost 8pm (not that my work-day is over yet) and it's the first time I've had to sit and have a moment for Fiona. And what thought teases me? About how my blog is dying, that's what. And I'm not happy about that. This place has a huge investment of 'me' about it, so many things I've revealed to you, and at times even to myself as I wrote down words and put them into some kind of semblance. There are occasions when 'talking' to myself like this, has helped me understand some things about myself. About my motives, about my reasons, about my desires, about my needs, even about my own confusions.

This has been, probably, the most momentous year of my life. My mother's death and becoming an 'orphan'. The recognition, finally, of my abilities at work. My understanding of so many things in my past. And coming to terms with them all. My love affair and subsequent marriage to the man who has nurtured within me, my ability to be the best I can possibly be. That, alone, would have made this an exceptional year.

I don't want to let this place go. I found my true love through 'The Eyes Have It'. I want to put more here, more about how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, reflections of days past, dreams of days yet to come. I have more to say. So, no death here. Perhaps a long break now and then, but no, I'm not ready to put my blog to rest, just yet.

Hard

It's hard. Harder than I expected. We've been doing this for almost two years but that doesn't make it any easier. Every day of waking alone, of going to sleep alone, is harder than the one before. I feel the weight of the ring on my finger reminding me, taunting me almost, that it's not meant to be like this. We've done everything to prove to each other that we are committed to this relationship, that we believe in our future. We just have to decide when that future is going to start, with us being in the same corner of the world, together.

I ache for him. I ache for him physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I ache to smell him, taste him, touch him, hear him. I ache to be just close enough to see him smiling at me with all the love he has for me, shining from deep within him, through his beautiful blue eyes. I ache for the richness of his laughter when I say something that touches his funny bone. I ache to see that sexy mouth of his spread in a smile, knowing he hasn't had enough of those in his life. I ache to reach over and brush the hair off his forehead and feel him push against my hand without even thinking about it. I ache to hear him tell me about something he's read and which he thinks I'll find interesting. I ache to stand with my arms outstretched and have him walk right into my embrace. I ache to lie in bed all twisted up with him, trying to press as much of my bare flesh as I can, against his warm flesh. I ache to sit and eat with him, talking, sharing, being. I ache for the way his mouth tastes and feels, when we kiss. I ache for his warm breath on my neck as he sleeps. I just plain old ache for him.

Our love is obvious. As Jennifer, the barmaid at the Santa Fe hotel said to us, with a grin, serving up her delicious mojitos steeped in freshly muddled mint: "You know, the trouble with you two is that you just don't seem to enjoy each other's company!" We glow, we shine, we bathe in each other's light.

We're not sure when work schedules will allow us to have a visit. Two weeks, four weeks, two months even, perhaps. I know we've made our bed in which we rarely lie together, but yes, we have made this bed. For the time being. Because we're so damn practical. Economics to bear in mind. Work commitments to respect. Other people to put first.

Oh, I know all the rationales, the explanations. The fact that what we're doing is right on many levels: To avoid being selfish; to keep gainfully employed as we save for our future; to respect trusts placed in each of us. I can reason with myself, we can reason with each other.

But still, it sucks. Big time.

Blog Goodness

During the time I've been a blogger I've seen - and often responded to - people using birthdays as a time to help others instead of themselves; gentle nudgings towards good causes; and even more direct marketing to generate interest in a specific issue.

Jules of Jul of the Day did a wonderful thing on a birthday past, she got people to donate books to a shelter, rather than taking any birthday gifts herself. And she, herself, was a primary contributor to the success of the drive.

Now, a couple of people are doing something to help others, Violent Acres (and her April 4 post) as a way of a birthday challenge and The Dog's Breakfast (reference the April 4 post) by way of pointing us to a friend who is about to travel and contribute time and effort to some excellent causes. I love both of these. I am a supporter of the selflessness of using birthdays to generate good for other people, rather than ourselves. And being someone without the time or effort needed to support some of these causes, my way is by way of donating financially.

May I ask you all to take a look at these and see if you would like to participate in some way. I'm not soliciting (I don't like that word), but just opening up their efforts to a slightly wider audience, through my blog.

Thank you.

Fiona