Christmas Approaches

Just after midnight tonight, I head eastwards towards Scotland to visit with my mother. It has been a tough couple of weeks, between working 15-18 hour days including over the weekend, an overwhelming tower of things to be done at the office, emotional calls with my mother, aunt, sister. I owe emails right, left and centre and I apologise for not having replied to so many. I just truly haven't had the time nor the energy to put thoughts together, nor fingers to keyboard. I'm sorry and am so thankful for the comments you have all left on my blog.

Little by little, things are coming out and the whole truth will be revealed during this trip. I have an appointment to meet with her doctor on Monday. I believe this will be the last Christmas I spend as a daughter and know I have to be strong for her while I'm there. I have been standing up for myself more with my mother lately, and not letting her get away with her usual bending of the truth when it comes to my behaviour. I told her that I have shown her nothing but respect through this entire time and that I expect nothing less than that from her. She did admit that I have been a powerful support to her.

After we each said our piece, she said something that made me cry: "We're still friends, aren't we?" I said, yes, always. I hope I'm more than just her friend but I'd settle for that, yes. I'd like that actually.

Wishing everyone a happy festive season. No matter where our faith lies, we can all celebrate this time of joining together and appreciating each other.

A Dramatic Worsening of Her Condition

On Sunday, my mother awoke with no sensation in, and no functioning of, her right hand. She didn't do anything until the next day, when she told my aunt who then travelled to be with her. On Tuesday, I felt a need to call my mother and was given the news. The doctor had been in to see her and was unsure if it was the result of a mini stroke, or was something to do with the cancer.

She was rushed into hospital, where she's been for the past two days and nights, undergoing a battery of tests and scans. It now seems that the tumor has grown and is pressing on her heart. At least we know where the tumor is now, we hadn't since she was diagnosed. I don't know much more than that, until I get a hold of her doctor.

Yesterday afternoon and through the night I spoke with my mother (x1), my aunt (x3), my brother (x2), my sister (x1), the Borders Hospital (x2). I think I got a total of two hours' sleep and I'm on the wrong side of fuzzy today. Coffee is helping a little.

Basically my mother doesn't want to talk about it, my aunt is telling me to back off, my brother says he can't go to visit and my sister wants to get on a plane right away. I'm hoping to get a hold of the doctor later today to get answers to my battery of questions. Once I have some more information I'll feel better. I don't buy into the 'leave her alone to make all her decisions' approach as she's not doing that. She's refusing to face the seemingly very real prospect of needing some proper care at home, if not elsewhere. My aunt is there now but she can't stay forever and she, herself, has only limited use of one hand/arm as a result of a car accident many years ago. The neighbours have been phenomenal but I can't expect them to be there 24/7 for her. There is already some indication that we have to modify the staircase to add on another handrail. I think we should be modifying the house to exclude use of the upstairs section.

So it seems I'm going to be the bad guy (gal?) again, having to push for some things to happen. Perhaps now is the time to exercise my power of attorney. I've advanced my leave by a week and will arrive there on 23 December, my brother (of course) is too busy to make the trip, my sister is not the coping sort and wants to jet off tomorrow (might I add without a passport but she assures me she can get out of Tenerife but getting back in would be an issue). Her presence isn't really the best thing on her own, she'd just add to the issues needing to be addressed. I'd rather be there when she is there so that she doesn't just become one more problem. I've tried to explain that this week we are covered but we need to think about next month and however many months there will be after that.

This is not looking good. The tumor will grow, keep pressing on her heart and goodness only knows how that will affect her body if she's already lost the use of one hand. Everyone around me is burying their head in the sand and saying just leave her alone and take a day at a time. Maybe I should be doing the same but that's not in my nature. I believe in facing the truths and responding to them. I've supported all her decisions so far, probably more than anyone else in my family as I've been the only one keeping in touch with her doctors and specialists. But I believe support can also include looking out for her, understanding what lies ahead, and being prepared. That remains the battle I have with everyone around me.

May I please ask you all to send good thoughts her way.

Gifting

I've been reading Violent Acres for a while now and have just added her to my blogroll. I hope you enjoy her too.

I especially like her view on gift-giving today.

I appreciate that we can all (if we want) participate in the good feelings of this time of year, but quite honestly the only people I gift at Christmas are children and my other gifting goes to those in need, rather than to those who expect.

Another thing that gets up my craw is the obscene use of wrapping paper and (non-charity) cards, bows, ribbons and even scotch tape. I know I'm being very bah-humbuggy but the waste in that area alone is downright criminal!

Tis the season for giving, so give wisely and where it will really matter, I say.

Painting My Daily Canvas

Every day, I start off like this, with a blank canvas and my paints neat and organised and ready to use. I dislike having to compartmentalise my life, but right now there are so many demands on my time I have no choice. I would love to be more spontaneous, to have a capricious approach to it all, but sadly that's not a choice I can make at the moment.

Instead I'm forced to allocate in order to fit it all in. My love has multiple pots, bearing multiple colours, my work a couple of colours, my family and friends another couple of pots. I have to leave a pot for just me, for time to let my brain relax and then another pot or two for keeping my home in some sort of semblance. And sometimes I have to steal a little from one or another pot, to fulfil an obligation or promise which I can't keep with a single pot alone. Sometimes I don't call my sister back the day she calls me. Sometimes I don't answer an email from a friend as promptly as I'd like. Sometimes I have to cut short my calls with my love. Sometimes a piece of work finds itself being carried over from one day to another, or one week to another. Sometimes I just tidy and dust at home instead of vacuuming and wet mopping my wooden floors. Sometimes, my pots run dry.

As I get into each one of my days, they start looking like this. My canvas becomes a chaotic smear of colour on colour, seemingly without blueprint or plan. This is no paint-by-numbers approach, no keeping within the lines. My paintpots fall into a state of disarray and my brushes grow heavy and clogged with colours from different pots.

But, at the end of the day I get ready for tomorrow. My brushes are purged of all residue, my pots organised and replenished. My mind prepares for another blank canvas and another day. As I look back at my day's canvas, there is organisation even in what appears to be colourful chaos. Or perhaps it's just an ability to interpret the patterns and form, one colour at a time. After all, each day is, in its own way, a unique masterpiece of my life.

I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, Like Never Before

What a beautiful voice she had. While it takes a lot to beat anything Fleetwood Mac did, I think Eva's version of this song reigns.

~ Songbird ~

For you, there'll be no crying
For you, the sun will be shining
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before

To you, I'd give the world
To you, I'd never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
Like never before, like never before.

P.S. As many of you haven't yet heard of her, I've updated this entry to include a link to a website about Eva Cassidy.

Update: It's true, Jonas, that this cover of 'Fields of Gold' is again better than the original. I recall reading somewhere that even Sting was awestruck by it. Sadly no video exists of her singing this live that night, but this has been strung together by someone wanting to get close to what it might have been like to watch her singing this beautiful song. Eva was an amazing talent, gone too soon.

Celebrations All Round

There have been quite a few birthdays in the air over the past couple of weeks. First there was mine and I had a great time over two evenings, on the actual day and then on the following Saturday. My bestest friends Anuja and Annie took me for Thai dinner on my birthday, at an outdoor restaurant next to the golf driving range. Just five of us: Anuja and her hubby and Annie and her hubby and the old birthday lady! The following Saturday a bunch of us had a great night at Anuja's, playing poker, cranium and some very energetic golf and tennis and bowling and boxing on the Wii.

This past Saturday, we got together to celebrate Annie's and Anuja's dad's birthdays with a great lunch, then a walk, then tea. Annie and her husband and Gavin, their little boy, Anuja and her parents and my treasure Eshaan (Anuja's little boy). Last night, on Annie's actual birthday, Anuja and I were treated to a delicious hotpot dinner then a couple of games of pool, by Annie and her husband. They are such a lovely couple, and the four of us had a great time! I was glad to learn that I hadn't forgotten how to wield a pool cue even though it has been almost 10 years since I played.

I've had some awesome food over the past two weeks. Of particular note was the deep fried chicken on Sunday, Chinese style. We scarfed that down good style. There wasn't much left on the serving plate by the time we were done :

Pure Evil

Don't be misled by the alluring pink tin, by the cute little two-bite (or one bite if you're feeling piggy) pieces wrapped in pretty gold foil. This stuff is pure evil.

You can't just stop at one, or even two. No, you are enticed back time and time again, day after day, until there are only a few left in the bottom of the tin and then you realise you've just consumed more than a few thousand calories.

They say that a serving size is three pieces. Yeah, right. No way can you eat only three. But when you realise that those three little butterscotch-encased-by-chocolate-and-topped-in- chopped-almonds clock up 210 calories per 'serving', that's when you know the pure evil ensconced in that pink tin.

Yes, I ate a whole tin in a week. In my defense it was a birthday gift and it would have been rude NOT to eat them all. Wouldn't it?

If You Ever Get Bored at Work....

...you could always try some water cooler fun...

Is This Supposed To Make Me Change My Mind?

After a couple of years at work where nothing much happened to excite, challenge or stimulate my brain, we're planning a year ahead where so much will happen. Good, meaty, substantial stuff that will be hard work, but a joy to be involved with. I'm still struggling to keep my head above water here, but hopefully that will improve by the end of the first month of 2008 and then the plans will start to evolve. Some work will be done with and through consultants, some we'll do ourselves, but all of it is worthwhile and will change the focus and direction of the HR function within the company.

It's hard talking to my boss about the plans for 2008, knowing I won't be here for much of that year, certainly not even half of it. That doesn't stop me from contributing and playing a part in the planning and early execution, and truth be told I find it exciting. I haven't told her of my own plans, yet, of course, and I sometimes have to check myself to not let it slip. There is, however, a part of me that wishes I could see everything we are planning, through. We'll be doing things I've wanted to do for a while now, but just didn't have the right leadership in the team.

Several days ago, I got a call from my ex-boss (actually two ex-bosses ago) who runs an executive search company. I gave him some help with a compensation package for a position he's handling. Afterwards he told me what a joy it always is to talk with me and then he said, "Fiona, I have to tell you about something." He has a search on for a job with what sounds like a wonderful start-up company headed by a CEO with an incredible take on the HR function. He said that I was his first thought when he was given the job scope. It's based in Singapore and the HR person would sit at the decision-making table, not a consideration given to HR in all companies, sadly.

Hearing about the job in Singapore stirred something within me. The opportunity for something new and interesting. And I was also chuffed that he still thinks of me so highly. A year ago I'd have jumped at the opportunity. He asked if he could tempt me away from my move to the States. I told him no, not a chance, to which he laughed and said "I thought not."

Am I having doubts about my plans? No, not a single one. It's not going to be easy but I know my direction and I'm happy with it. Hell, no I'm not, I'm ecstatic about it. Perhaps all these things are happening to challenge my decision, to make me think really hard about this forthcoming life change. But I don't need to think for long, I know I'm making huge changes for the right reason, for love. While I'm certainly going to miss the paycheques, yes, I can see myself not working here. I can see myself not working in Singapore. But I cannot see myself living without the man I love, heart and soul.

This place will survive without me, my ex-boss will find a great person for the Singapore job. And I will be living in, for and with happiness. That, in all truth, is what I've wanted for so many years of my life. Years I filled with work and busy-ness. Now, I'm ready to love and to be loved. And I've found, and been found by, the best man I could have hoped for.

Finally, Photos

Our suite at the Meritage Resort

Welcome to the Wine Country

The Wine Train

and our delicious lunch!

Groth Winery - it was so good, we came back to buy some more at the end of our visit to the other wineries

Golf in Carmel Valley

These little fellows started following me around, I felt like the Pied Piper

The Tickle Pink Inn - this was such a yummy bed

I seemed to attract a lot of bird wildlife on this trip !

Wine and cheese on the deck

The Pacific Coast Highway

17-Mile Drive

The seals in Monterey Harbour

I'd never seen Brussel Sprouts still on the stalk - at a little farm shop outside Castroville

We're still trying to figure out why there are so many pigs crossing the road in Carmel

Big Basin Redwoods State Park

Boys Having Fun

Lupo and his best buddy, Bozo. I'm not sure how many more playdates they'll have, my sister just broke up with Bozo's owner. They'll really miss each other. Lupo and Bozo that is!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends.

I am thankful for so many things in my life: Love, friendship, family, security, peace in my heart. The past year has brought me so many amazing things, so many gifts, blessings and rewards.

Today, as I reflect on the history of this holiday and its roots in giving thanks for a successful and bountiful harvest season, I am struck by all those people who have witnessed loss and in many cases are struggling to survive. We can all help, even in a small way. For those less fortunate, please spare a moment to think of them today and if you are able, contribute to their betterment in some small way.

May you all have a most wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving.

The Time of Our Lives

It was, without any doubt whatsoever, the most wonderful time we've ever had together. I want to write a post about the beauty of our relationship, the depth of our connection, the intensity of our emotions, the ferocity with which we love each other. I'm feeling all these things within me, centred in my solar plexus, and I'd never be able to express them adequately, never manage to do them justice.

So, failing words right now to describe it all, I'll share some of the highlights of the trip:

• Catching my first sight of him at baggage carousel 14 in terminal 1 at San Francisco Airport


• Wrapping ourselves up in each other to the point we almost missed spotting his luggage


• Driving up to Napa in the rain, eating hula hoops off my fingertips


• Finding ourselves not in a hotel room but a huge suite at the hotel (upgrade)


• Loving the heck out of each other as soon as we got into bed


• Waking up several times during the night to repeat that


• Being wonderfully raw the next day


• Taking the train tour of the valley from Napa to St. Helena and back


• Having an amazing lunch on the train, accompanied by some lovely wine


• Spa treats that evening at the hotel (facial for me and massage for him)


• Being so 'noodled' by the spa experience we fell asleep in each other's arms


• Driving the next day through the valley again, this time stopping at several (many!) wineries for tastings and some purchases


• Sitting on a beautiful patio of an Italian restaurant sharing delicious food


• Driving the latter part of the afternoon and evening to the golf resort in Carmel


• Getting up late the next morning, just in time for a round of 18 holes (him) and first driving experience of a vehicle (golf cart, me)


• Packing up and driving a few miles down the road to the Tickle Pink Inn for the next two nights


• Arriving just in time for the wine and cheese reception on the deck as the sun started to set


• Opening the door to our room and looking straight out onto the Pacific Ocean, it was breathtaking


• Eating Chinese food together and seeing the excitement on the young waiter's face when I spoke to him in Cantonese (his family had relocated to Carmel 15 years ago)


• Laying spooned together at 5:34am, listening to the surf below and watching the night sky out of the balcony doors - and seeing our first shooting star, together


• Experiencing the beauty along 17-mile Drive and stopping at all vantage points to enjoy the view


• Stopping off at Monterey to watch the harbour seals cavorting and battling for a place on the floating jetties for sunbathing time


• Driving all over the place to find ice-cream and having to settle for chocolate frosties out of Wendy's


• Travelling the coast highway down to Big Sur and being just totally awed by the beauty of it all


• A long, leisurly drive back to San Francisco, taking the route through the Big Basins Redwood Park


• Our last night together, we ate ribs (him) and fajitas (me) at Chili's then settled in for one more sleep (a little sleep and a lot of the 'other')

Saying goodbye is always so hard, but we got through it. I almost stayed another day as they needed a couple of seats on my flight and it would have netted me US$400 plus an upgrade on the next day's flight. But he had already checked in so there was no way I was going to stay without him.

I know but one thing. I love that man with the entirety of my being and I know he loves me with the same amount of himself. And each day that dawns, is a day closer to us never having to say goodbye ever again.

We took loads of pics. I will try and get myself, and them, sorted out tomorrow to post a few for you.

Chocolate Sacrilege?

As I wandered around the shops at lunchtime, picking up a few extra things here and there for my trip, I came across the Yubari Melon KitKat. Now, anyone familiar with the KitKat bar knows that it doesn't come in melon flavour. This is a special Japanese edition celebrating the town of Yubari, on Hokkaido, famous for, you guessed it, the Yubari melon.

Those melons are quite spectacular in themselves, in that they retail in Japanese stores for anything between US$80 and US$200 per melon. To prove that, here's a picture from a supermarket where their 'average' melon is marked at ¥10,000 (US$88).


To quote from a website:

"The orange-fleshed Yubari melon, similar in appearance and size to the common cantaloupe, has become a Japanese favorite for giving as a gift of thanks to friends or bosses. In the food section of large department stores, Yubari melons - reputed to be Japan's Cadillac of melons - are often sold for upwards of 15,000 yen (a generic melon might fetch 500 yen). Special apples and strawberries can likewise be sold for exorbitant sums, but as far as luxury fruit goes, nothing tops a nice melon for prestige. Shape, skin netting pattern, sweetness, and texture are key factors in the price. A top-grade perfectly round Yubari number with a smooth skin could command over 20,000 yen.

The melons first appear on store shelves in May of each year. Usually a Sapporo department store purchases the first melons at a highly publicized open auction. This year Mitsukoshi bought the first two for 150,000 yen each. After the auction, the melons are showcased and put up for bid to the store's customers. Since the first born of the year are said to represent good luck, shoppers can gawk and hope for a little melon fortune to rub off onto them as they peruse the aisles. A few days later, the highest bidding customer can take them home and enjoy them with their morning cereal."

Failing that, you could just unwrap a Yubari KitKat bar and enjoy the melon flavour. They are surprisingly good, actually. Oh and they're on e-bay for US$3.50-5.00 a pack (the little box holds two twin-bars). I purchased mine for a relatively low US$1.20. Maybe I'll become an e-bay trader in my next life :)

Oh and in case you're wondering what I was doing in the chocolate section, I was shopping for these:

Lindt Excellence Intense Orange Extra Fine Swiss Thins. Melt-in-the-mouth slivers of their finest dark chocolate infused with an intense orange flavour. My love's favourite little chocolate treat.