My Long Distance Love

"The feeling of being wrenched from each other every time our trips come to an end."

I posted that in a comment after my last trip. While it is easy, so easy, to speak of the wonderment of being in love and being with the man I love, what I haven't spoken of is the pain of each parting.

I would trade the nights in lovely hotels, the trips to exciting places, the serotonin rush of seeing the man I love each time for the first time again, for the routine of living close enough to go grocery shopping or to a movie or to just hang out together. I envy, so totally envy, the routine that so many people have together. The routine that they often wish wasn't quite so routine.

When we see each other at the airport, we rush to be together and you couldn't pry us apart with any amount of force. We slam together in an embrace that takes our breath away and it lasts as long as we can stand there, before realising that the sooner we get out of the airport, the sooner we can get to the hotel.

Every second we're together is amazing, just amazing. We drink latte together and we find a way to make it about loving each other. We sit in the car driving around and we're loving each other. We sit in a restaurant booth eating (carefully positioned on the same bench as he's left-handed and I'm right-handed) and we're loving each other. We do everything while we love each other, and we love each other while we do everything.

But the parting. The damn parting leaves me feeling raw every time. I can't even begin to describe what it's like as the minutes tick towards whichever of our flights is the first to leave. If there was a sound associated with us having to release each other, it would be like the millions of hooks on industrial-strength velcro being ripped from the anchoring loops.

The ache that starts in my chest and overwhelms me as our arms are forced to let go of each other. The emotional pain that turns physical as I watch the distance between us grow. The way I feel as though I can't catch my breath and I hear my heart pounding in my ears. How my eyes burn with tears, fighting to hold them back so he doesn't have to see me cry. The emptiness, the total and absolute emptiness I feel when he goes from my sight. And those long, lonely trips home.

I miss him. Christ, I miss him with a hole in my being that can't be filled unless I'm with him. Oh yes, I hear murmurs of 'she's in the honeymoon stage' and I probably am. Believe it or not, however, there is something so pure and right about how we feel when we're together, I believe this period will last long beyond any expectation. I've had two serious relationships, one of which led to a short and very unhappy marriage, but I can honestly say that I've never in my entire life felt the way I do about this man.

This man who completes me.

This man who makes me a better woman by loving me.

This man who opens himself to me and accepts all of me, even the imperfect sometimes hard-to-love me.

This man who gives me more love, and more reason to love and be loved, than at any time in my past.

This man who is the love of my life.

This man who is my future.

It Is.....Unbelievable

Back in the Saddle

I got home last night sometime before 1am. Not a bad flight back over and I even had three seats to myself on the Tokyo-Hong Kong sector so I could stretch out. But turbulence put paid to getting any sleep. Before that flight I was squishy-squashed into a full plane for my journey over the Pacific and didn't get any sleep on that routing.

After getting in and unpacking and showering and having some toast (NW has the worst food in the air!!) I did get about three hours' rest last night so I'm actually doing quite well. However, I can't seem to get enough liquids into me, flying is so dehydrating!! Starbucks had a good customer this moring as apart from my latte, I got a ginger punch (yummy fresh ginger with lemon), a mineral water and a fruit salad. Since then I've also guzzled three very large mugs of hot water and three of cold.

I had a wonderful, awesome, phenomenal time. Well, how could it be anything else when I was spending time with the man I'm head over heels in love with? We were certainly ummm 'enthusiastic' at being together again and I hurt a little in all the right places. I think he may be a little raw himself!

I have a heart and mind enhanced with more precious memories. We drove, we ate, we laughed, we shared thoughts and sights, we hugged, we kissed, we touched all the time and..... we loved and loved and loved.

I am awed by my ability to love this man....and moreso by his ability to love me as he does.

I'm sure my saddle will get more comfortable in a couple of days. My heart on the other hand, is already aching to be with him again.

Time for Some Loving

I'm taking to the skies for another trip to see my beloved man (great big humungous grin).

It's not even light yet here, but I have to get to the airport for an early flight. Please let Starbucks be open by the time I get there, I'm in desperate need of a grande-skim-latte-with-an-extra-shot-please.

Sadly, not much time together, but we always manage to make every single second count.
I'll be back on Wednesday night.

Be good to yourselves, and everyone around you.

A Soldier's Letter

Something definitely worth reading if you haven't already seen it elsewhere.

While I have never supported the war, I do feel for those over there. Everyone, not only the soldiers, the civilians too.

I hope he gets home safe. I hope they all do, even though sadly, I know they won't all get home. And of those who do get home, many will never be the same again.

On Being Odoriferous

I love scents. Lots of natural scents. I have candles and incense sticks. I have an oil burner and a diffuser. I open my door when I come home at night and I smell 'home'.



This bowl sits near my front door and the Buddha's hand gives out the most beautiful light lemony scent. If I want to enhance the intensity, I just squeeze one of the fingers. It lasts a couple of weeks and truly is one of the best natural room fresheners you can find.

Another one I just adore is the white ginger lily

which has a very course foliage, big thick stalks and tough leaves, but an incredibly beautiful light aroma. A big bunch of these (10 or more) in a vase is just the most wonderful delight to the olfactory senses.

It's amazing the power a scent can have on us....bringing back specific memories from years gone by. Some good, some bad. These days, I often find myself sitting with my eyes closed, breathing in deeply and remembering the scent of my love's neck. Not a cologne, but his own natural scent. Wow.

We have a couple of unpleasant scents here (well more than a couple) but there are two in particular that I actually enjoy - I think you have to have grown up with them: durian and 'chau dau fu' (stinky bean curd).

Durian is a tropical fruit



I think from the jackfruit family and is so pungent that it's forbidden on aircraft and in hotel rooms!! Some people say it smells like vomit and yes, many people pinch their noses as they put it in their mouth, but it's so delicious!

My favourite Hong Kong smell has to be the wonderful fermented bean curd, the 'stinky tofu', which really does have a pretty powerful odour.


It's so yummy. Cubes are deep fried to give a crispy shell inside which is a creamy delicious curd. A few of those dipped in chili sauce is heaven!

While I wouldn't want either of the last two as room scents, I do love to catch the odd waft of them. Chau dau fu is becoming increasingly rare here, unfortunately.

And right now I'm going to spend a few minutes with my eyes closed, remembering the scent of a particular man's neck.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Moon Rising

Today I would like to share just one photo. But what a photo!

Hong Kong harbour at sunset, moon rising.

This is the work of Codino A.C. Divino. His galleries are here.

Back to the Food

It has been a while since I mentioned food and I'm sure Ian has been taking note of my abstention in that area.

Someone, who shall remain nameless, raising an eyebrow over at you-know-who-you-are, said to me recently that I seem to eat some very strange things. So I just wanted to placate him, and any others who may think that of me, with a picture of a recent dinner:

Quesadillos with pico de gallo, guacamole and sour cream, accompanied by a side order of refried beans.

It was good, I'll admit, but next time I'm quadrupling up on the pico de gallo because I love me some chili and that tiny little helping was gone after consuming only one of the four quesadillos.

As you can see it was delivered to my door by Cuisine Couriers, one of over a dozen delivery firms who collect orders from over 300 restaurants and bring it right to your door for the cost of ten percent of the order price. Aaaaaaaah what shall I have tonight?

So you see, it's not all duck tongues and chicken feet and dried fish skin and honeycomb beef (tripe) and other incredibly good eats. The width of my palate is closely associated to the width of my hips.

Happiness

Happiness is:

* Bringing in the New Year (his) with the man I love, on the phone and webcam

* Looking forward to another trip this coming weekend

* Knowing how it feels to be loved by a good man, who means what he says

* Believing in the potential of loving someone and being loved equally back

* A brand new year with limitless possibilities ahead

I hope you all had a wonderful New Year and that your 365 days of 2007 are filled with health and happiness, joy and love.

Mine is off to an absolutely wonderful start! I feel blessed.

Happy New Year Around the World

Happy New Year to you all....as and when it reaches your shores:

First to celebrate (closest to me):

Emily

then:

Dayli

followed by:

Freebird

LePhare

Zibi

and over to North America:

Steve

Chele

Sunny

Sally

Gillette

Miranda

His Sunshine

Sophie

Matt

Trueself
Tim
Julie
DooGooder (in case you happen by)

May the year ahead bring you all goodness and light, love and peace, happiness and health...in bucketloads!!

I have a date with Messrs Moet & Chandon at midnight, yes I come off the wagon every New Year's Eve - and I'm seriously considering staying off it in 2007!! But tonight it's just a quiet time at home with some bubbly and a stray box of M&S mini mince pies.

And 13 hours later I'll get to bring in another New Year with my love, by phone. I'm excited!!!

Thank you all for coming into my life in 2006, blogging has brought me friendship and more.

Can You See It?

Last November, while visiting with my mother, I took some pics of us all.

First of all, perhaps I should mention that four people have independently heard similar noises in the same part of the house, the part where I took this picture. If you look above Rhona's head, over to the right near the top of the picture, you'll see a yellow box, and an enlargement of the box.

I took several pictures one after the other around the room, but this is the only one where the 'orb' appears. And it's not a reflection of anything as it's over a beam and there's no bending of the image around the angle.



What do you see?

75 ÷ 2

= 37.50, which is how many minutes of sleep I've had over the past two nights. And that is a manipulation of numbers as in reality, I had 75 minutes on Tuesday night and 0 minutes last night.

I'm feeling just a tad worse for wear today, I hit the wall at 4pm today, forcing me to ingest some pretty high doses of caffeine. It's working though, I can feel my eyes opening again.

I think it's so many things:

1. Too many naps during the four-day break.

2. Too many DVDs to catch up on and watching them into the wee hours, knowing I could sleep during the other hours.

3. The blogland insomnia that seems to be taking hold.

4. The prospect of spending time with my love on the phone, but with the 13-hour time difference, his afternoon equals my early morning!

5. The excitement of another trip to be with my wonderful man, just over a week away.

And I have a wedding reception to go to this evening. I've to be there at 9pm and I think at this rate they won't be seeing that much of me. So I have to go home after work, shower, tartify myself, put on my happy wide-awake face, traipse off to a hotel ballroom, rub shoulders with the creme de la creme of Sindhi society here, wish the happy couple joy and good fortune and so on.

It's Anuja's brother-in-law who's tying the knot and I think I'll know about 6 people there (out of about 500!). Should make the mingling interesting! (Note to self, take business cards - yes, that's a requirement here even at such social events.)

This is my gift:- and no, it's not for the bedroom!!

While it may look like something that escaped from War of the Worlds, it's actually a 'classic' of postmodern product design of the 1990s. A Philippe Starck design for the Alessi production house. Oh and it's a kitchen utensil.

Actually, now that I think about it in the bedroom....hmmmmm. Oh my goodness it's the sleep deprivation, I swear it is!!!

Updated Friday : I slept last night, for five whole hours. A deep, deep sleep and I feel so much better today!!

What a Mess

It seems the earthquake yesterday, centred just off the southern tip of Taiwan, has damaged some undersea cables between here and there. This has taken out our (and the rest of South East Asia's) direct internet link to the US and it seems also the rest of the world. Our telecom companies have labelled this as 'disastrous' and are struggling to sort it out, hopefully by rerouting traffic west instead of east, but it seems the large financial houses have grabbed capacity early on as part of their contingency to keep running in the face of this adversity.

Yahoo and MSN are down. Access to 99.9% of websites is down. Amazingly Gmail and blogspot.com are still accessible!! Deadly slow but still producing the goods so kudos to them for obviously having some sort of plan for this eventuality - either that or they're hosted in some very strange locations!

I owe a few people emails and just wanted to get word out here that I haven't forgotten, just waiting for my hotmail account to get back up as there are emails in there for me to answer.

I think a lot of us here learned today just how much we rely on email to work, never mind play! And there's no firm commitment as to when we'll be back up, it could be a day or a week apparently.

Update: Oh dear, Gmail seems to be fading fast!!!

Update Thursday morning: Well, this is the story (from the newspaper, of course) "Operators are scrambling to repair damage to four undersea cables in the Luzon Strait between Hong Kong and Taiwan, with some estimating the multimillion-dollar job could take up to three weeks. Asia Netcom, one of the cable operators hit by the earthquake, said the damaged cables made up the main pipe that routed internet traffic to the US, stretching from Hong Kong via Taiwan and Japan. Traffic must go through alternative routes now. But the capacity along those routes is limited and all the traffic in Asia is swamping these tiny routes. People are urged to minimise non-essential internet access to overseas websites and not to keep making non-urgent overseas calls if they failed to get through."

Blogging IS essential internet access for me!! And Google (yay Google) remains the only site open to me. Oh and duh Fiona for the second time in a week, of course blogspot works, it was taken over by Google - for which I am totally grateful right now!!

I'm thankful too that I did manage to get a phone line out yesterday night and spent some wonderful time with my love. *happy happy smile*

Well, I For One...

....am glad they are all over. The Christmas festivities. I always find it an odd time of year, it stirs in me something I can't quite put my finger upon.

Growing up we had the tree and the presents and the Christmas lunch. The decorations, the wishes sometimes, but not always, met. I believed in Santa Claus for a while, then my lovely brother put paid to that childhood dream, like so many.

Nowadays, I choose not to celebrate it. I don't decorate, I don't do that many gifts (very strictly limited to those I care about), I don't do parties (except for the one I have to help organise for the office), I don't do silly hats or lit-up brooches or anything at all like that.

But I can't deny that something filters in to me. Something makes me feel like I'm missing out. Perhaps it's to do with being alone. Too wrapped up in me. It's a time of year with too many days off, too much time to reflect. I get blue, no doubt about it.

And this year I ended up arguing with someone I care about more than anyone on this planet. Someone I love and love very deeply. A stupid pointless argument and I'm not even sure why I did it. Except, perhaps, to get his attention. I think that might have been it. I was so jealous of other people getting a bigger piece of him than I knew I would over the holidays, even though they deserve more of him than I do. So I picked a fight about something that shouldn't even matter to me. And I could feel myself doing it, but I was unable to stop. He shouted at me at one point and that's probably what broke through to me because I remember going very, very quiet and just listening to him. Having no argument, because there was no argument. Yes, I think my silly, petty jealousy was behind it.

And he, in his caring way, has found time to spend with me during the busy holidays, has made time for me in so many ways. And that's one of the reasons I love him so very much. Because he can see through me, he can see the potential of me. And he cares so very deeply about my feelings - it was important to him to make my alone days, less alone. He knows how to, and does, support me on so many levels. He knows how to, and does, love the promise of a better me, as well as the me of today. Actually, he will play a big part in the better me, that I know without a doubt.

I'm learning, still learning. Learning always and in all ways. And best of all, learning with him and through him.

Tagged!!!

Tagged by Freebird.

Updated: Duh I forgot to put the instructions in, thank goodness the three I tagged have more brain power than I do and managed to work it out *L*

1. Grab the book closest to you, don't choose.
2. Open to page 123, go down to the fifth sentence.
3. Post the text of the next three sentences on the blog.
4. Name the book and the author.
5. Tag three people.

OK here goes:

"then a sexy kiss; afterward, sit next to him on the couch and put

your legs on his lap. Later, initiate some passionate kissing - most

men won't need more than that to take things from there."

and the book is:



It gets better, further into the 388 pages!!!

Sadly, there have been men in my life who pushed my legs off their lap and turned away from any attempts at kissing. I'm so incredibly happy to report that my love is the opposite, he actually pulls my legs onto his lap and kisses me like I've never been kissed before.

This book remains under my bedside table only because they tend to gather there until the space is full. He brings to me, more than any book could ever even begin to explain.

If you feel like it....would Steve, Sunny Delight and LePhare like to give it a shot (unless you've already been tagged!)

PC Holiday Greetings

I got this from my ex boss.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice (with respect for the religious /secular persuasions and /or traditions of others or their choice not to practice such traditions at all).

Furthermore, I offer my (non-binding) best wishes for the onset of the generally accepted calendar year of 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped improve the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. (This is not to imply that the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is any greater than any other country). These wishes are offered without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

Happy (if happiness is in your belief system) Holidays (if you recognise them).


.....or as we say in these parts

聖誕節同新年快樂
(singdaanjit tùnhg sànnìhn faailohk)

Mis en Place

I've been working steadily over the past few months on one of my annual projects - our salary reviews.

First I gather country/city data for cost of living increases, then examine competitor data from surveys. Using this, we get a base-line increase/adjustment figure for each location and then position. That information in hand, we look at retention of profit on our bottom line and tweak a little where we can to ensure our primary responsibility of returning a positive dividend to our shareholders is met.

Detailed worksheets with complex formulae and look-up tables peppered throughout are generated and these form the basis of the next step - going through the rigmarole of various approval levels as required by our compliance processes. Once we've done that, it's time for the communication to staff. I've managed, over the years, to convince management to reduce that letter from one very full page of way too many words, to a couple of brief and to-the-point paragraphs advising of the new compensation level and concluding with a nicety about their contribution in the past year and looking forward to the same in the next. In reality I could write: "Dear (name), You will receive $.... from 1 January 2007, signed HR" and that would suffice because really the only thing one looks at is the number!!

Form letters are drafted, field-linked to the data sheets, merged, printed, signed, copied. Then happily stuffed into waiting envelopes and presented to each employee before Christmas. Usually there is at least a semblance of appreciation, though it is quite incredible just how quickly any monetary reward is forgotten and if the other 'hygiene factors' aren't taken care of, dissatisfaction will soon rear its ugly head.

So, my mis en place is ready. Today I'll be doing a final check, no doubt make a few last-minute adjustments, there are always those, then press that button to mail merge. By this evening, one big project for the year is off my plate. And hopefully, tomorrow, more than a few people will be happy, if only for a fleeting moment.

Then I can relax, just a little, before the next biggie starts to raise its head...the annual bonus, which is tied to so many things: profit retention, share price, quality inspections, personal performance.

Kaaaaaaaa-Ching!!!

Mind Boggling!!

Reported on Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Sun Hung Kai Properties (0016) went all out at a land auction Tuesday, shelling out HK$1.8 billion (equiv USD 231,496,367 and GBP 117,428,293) for a prime luxury residential site on The Peak, and in the process beating market forecasts and smashing the previous record price per-square-foot set in 1997.

The accommodation value of the site at 12 Mount Kellett Road translates into HK$42,196 per square foot (equiv USD 5,426 and GBP 2,752), based on the site's developable gross floor area of 42,658 square feet.

Sun Hung Kai Real Estate Agency executive director Victor Lui Ting said the group would invest an additional HK$2.5 billion (equiv USD 321,514,792 and GBP 163,064,858) to develop about 10 houses on the site.

Vigers Appraisal & Consulting executive director Tony Chan Tung-ngok said the final price was astonishing. "It may be the highest price per square foot in the world," Chan said.

After spending more than HK$42,000 (equiv USD 5,401 and GBP 2,739) per square foot for the land, plus construction costs, Lam reckoned the developer would need to sell the finished homes at a target of HK$60,000 (equiv USD 7,717 and GBP 3,912) per square foot in order to realize a profit.

..... and they'll be snapped up and probably achieve another world record in the end. Madness.

Elusive Sleep

I don't know what's wrong with me but I just can't sleep lately. Last night I woke at 3:45am, the night before 3:30am and the night before that 3:20am. Which is fine over the weekend but when I have to come to work after only a couple of hours of sleep (because I don't go to sleep ever before 12:30am at the EARLIEST), it's kind of rough on me for the first few hours.

So far today (and not even 9:30am yet) I've had a

grande latte with:

shots

then..... and

I think I'll be bouncing off the ceiling in a little while....and I am craving another diet coke already!!!

Update at 11:15am..... cracking another diet coke....yeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaw

I wonder if it would be a bad idea to hit the Red Bull at lunchtime? I've consumed 536.8 mg of caffeine already!!!

No Red Bull at lunchtime, just another of these.

New caffeine count 581.4 mg!!

Will I ever sleep again??

Goose and Gander

Today we're off for our department pre-Christmas lunch. No turkey for us, we've opted for superb roast goose!

(Sorry, about the picture, they have it split on the website and I don't have the wherewithal to piece it back together again, but I'm sure from that you get the idea.)

Excellent food. And to tempt your tastebuds this is the menu. We'll be having a good old feast and there will definitely be at least one goose on the table! But no shark's fin, nope nope nope.

Update - we had:

Preserved Eggs with Ginger

Roast Goose

Congee (rice porridge) - I had mine with beef slices

Dao Miu (pea shoots)

Braised Beancurd with Assorted Meat

Baked Spare Ribs

Egg Custard Tarts

YUMMY - got to love Asian-style eating where you share everything.

Just to make Emily drool some more - Updated 20 December - today for lunch we had traditional Cantonese dim sum:

Rice paste rolls with shrimp

Barbeque pork steamed buns

Barbeque pork in pastry

Steamed chicken feet with rice

Steamed sliced fish with rice

Tripe in black pepper sauce

Shrimp dumplings

Chive dumplings

Roast pork with crackling

Pork dumplings

Beancurd sheet rolls

Taro puffs

Chive dumplings

Shrimp rolls

Vegetarian Beancurd rolls

Deep fried squid tentacles

and we ended it with

Steamed sponge pudding

Egg tarts

There were six of us chowing down!!

My Little Corner of the Corporate World

Once upon a time, I had my own little office. With a door I could close and even lock. With blinds across the glass 'wall' I could draw if needed. Where I could deal with work and people away from prying eyes and listening ears. Where I had a Klee print on the wall and an eastern rug on the floor. I loved my little 'home away from home'. Well, as someone who spends at least 14 hours a day at work, I wanted to make my environment warm and inviting.

But, since we did a total revamp of our offices (we have two complete floors in the building) over a year ago, I now have a little space within a large space. No walls. No blinds. No doors. So much more 'corporatey'. In my line of work, it really does make things difficult at times for me and the worst part is that fewer people now come to see me. If they do want time with me, we have to find a meeting room. It puts them off making the effort. I know it prevents me doing my job as effectively as I once did it.

Oh well, the corporate world in its infinite wisdom decided to 'open up communication'. Which is fine and dandy but I'm sure I don't want the rest of the people I work with to know what compensation package I'm offering a new manager. Nor do those who seek me out to talk about personal issues, really care to share it with everyone within hearing distance!

So, this is my little space now. Well part of it, there's a little more than in these pics. The main area of my desk is to the left, but that day, as always, it was covered in work files so I just took a pic of the more interesting part. And I have more work surfaces behind and to the side of me. It's a nice little area, and I've made it so noone can sneak up on me, giving me time to cover sensitive information be it on the screen or on my desk. It's amazing how eyes wander when people are in my work area!

And this in particular is the 'me' part. Where I surround myself with people I care about. My dad, Nooj and her family, Lupo. Yes, Lupo is 'people' to me!! Our official policy is no more than two personal photographs to be displayed. Yeah right, as you can see I follow THAT rule!! Actually one of the hats I wear is that of office manager so I'm supposed to enforce such anal regulations. And which I refuse to do.

Rhona sent me these for my birthday - I love them!!! And if they ever do try to enforce this two-photos-only rule, well I can have at least four as I'm still entitled to have a mousepad and a mug....

So now you know where I spend most of my waking hours. And from where I so very often write these little missives.

Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa

My fault, my most grievous fault.

In my recent travels through blogland, I'm seeing more than a few instances of mea culpa being expressed. And in some places there has been the laying of blame. I'm now stopping to think a little about it all.

Mea culpa. My fault. More than my responsibility, my FAULT. An invitation to apportion blame? Do they go hand in hand in more ways, to a greater depth, than we sometimes realise?

In one of my past relationships, I was with a man who blamed. He blamed his father, he blamed his mother, he blamed his sisters, he blamed his son. He blamed the world. But most of all he seemed to blame me. For his losses, for his bad decisions, for his weaknesses - all of which occurred before we even got together!

And for too long, I let him think that by blaming me, and me accepting that in some weird way I could have been responsible for events that weren't even in our past, things could somehow make more sense for him. The strange thing was, that the one person who really had been instrumental in his losses and his sadness, survived it all totally blame-free.

Then too, thinking back to my mum and dad and their daily interaction, makes me wonder. I know they weren't particularly happy together. No wait, my dad wasn't particularly happy, but my mum was content with what she had and knew my dad would never leave her. I think that is at the root of the play that developed between them in later life. An example would be: Dad accidentally knocks something off the coffee table. Immediately, he'd look over at her and say something to the effect of "for christ sake woman" even though my mum had absolutely nothing to do with what just happened. We used to laugh about it but in recent years, upon reflection, I have come to see it as probably one of the saddest things I've ever witnessed. How deeply ingrained must the resentment have been, that his first thought when something went wrong was, it must be her fault in some way.

My dad was a good man. No, more than that, he was an exceptional man. Except for that one thing. And I suppose I'm only now realising how unhappy he was, how trapped he felt. And maybe, just maybe my mum's responses to things today are because of how she, too, must have felt for so many years, knowing he was there with her not out of love but out of some sort of obligation.

I don't blame my mother for anything. Likewise, I don't blame some of the people who have been in my life, not for the pain they put me through, nor the demons they deposited into my psyche. I did for a long time, I even allowed professionals to make me think I needed to confront and blame. The reality of it all is that I am the only one who needed to make peace with myself. To understand that bad things can happen through no fault of my own.

Everyone, and everything, I have encountered on my life's path has been there for a reason. Who I have become, the lessons I have learned, these are the reasons. I am where, and who, I have always meant to be.

No mea culpas, no laying of blame.

Why Does She Do This To Me?

"I've given you power of attorney. My lawyer will send you the papers to sign. It means you will have control over everything, so don't deplete my bank account."

And I'm like....what?!?!?!?

I gently explained that I would never do such a thing, that I respect my father's wishes and will do everything in my power to see them followed through. That I would NEVER take something that's not mine. She knows me better than that. Why does she have to say such things? For goodness sake, she's given me this responsibility instead of my older brother, for the very reason she knows I'm more trust-worthy.

Then she tells me that I will be the one to make the decision on when to "pull the plug". Whoah there woman. No. I told her that she is quite capable now, of making her wishes known in that respect.

Does she wish to be put on a ventilator when that time comes? Decide now.

Would she want resuscitation if she goes into cardiac arrest? Decide now.

I told her I will make sure her wishes are observed, but I will not make the decisions for her. That she is able to put things into place now to document her choices.

I used the opportunity to open up a discussion about what she would like with regard to her final resting place. As, when my dad died, there seemed to be four different versions of what he wanted, depending on whom you spoke with. She said to me: "Just put me in the fire and tell them to get rid of the ashes."

Yes, I know, I know, she's obviously at odds with herself with the inevitabilty of her own situation. I know that I need to consider so many things that she is facing. But I was aghast. So I said, would you like me to bring you back to where Dad is? To which I got - I don't want any of that pallaver. I assured her I would do it quietly. I would even do it myself. I would do that for her. "No" was her answer.

It seems I'm supposed to tell the undertaker: Burn her and dump the ashes. Does she see me in that light? Capable of doing that?

My mother continues her battle, daily, with lung cancer and COPD. She has chosen not to undergo any treatment. She resists even palliative care, surrounds herself with, although well-meaning, sycophants. She presses them into arguing with me when I try to talk to her about the reality of her situation. Actually she's chosen to chase her own death. Her cigarette consumption is up. She misrepresents how she feels and what she is capable of, physically, to her doctors, making it hard for them to help her effectively. I know, I get the reports. She authorised their release to me, so she's aware I read her lies. She tries to engage me in arguments about it. I refuse to be drawn into them.

I'm trying so hard to help her towards the end gently, with all the support I can give her. I'm trying to be a good and true daughter. Why the hell can't she be a loving mother, even now?

The State of Play

There they sit, warm, heavy, full. So soft and pliant to the touch, so incessantly squeezable.

I love to run my fingertips lightly over them, hearing those soft sighs my touch elicits. I'm fascinated by the way his skin responds to my fingers. Crinkling into a tightness that he must feel, his own flesh pulling him up into his body. Going from soft and smooth to a tougher, hide-like texture full of ridges and bumps.

They respond much as parts of me respond, going from warm and soft, to cool and hard. Shrinking into a mass of nerve endings so hungry for contact. We spend long, long periods of time quietly touching and caressing. Stroking and squeezing. Hands and mouths discovering and mapping each other.

He told me on the phone last night how he loves the touch of my fingertips right there. But I wonder if he realises just how much my fingertips crave him. How I ache to feel that particular part of his beautiful body.

In The Deep

~ the video ~

thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
but something happens
don't see it coming,
now you can't stop yourself.

now you're out there swimming
in the deep.
in the deep.

life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... let go
till you shed your pride and you climb to heaven
and you throw yourself off.

now you're out there spinning
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep.

now you're out there spinning
now you're out there swimming
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep.

the full version goes on with....

In the silence,
all your secrets
will raise their weary heads.
well, you can't pin yourself
back together with
who you thought you were

now you're out there living
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep

now you're out there spinning
now you're out there swimming
now you're out there spinning
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep.

if you want to be given everything,
give everything up

Texas Beef, Cold Stone Creamery...and Being TOO Cute Together

I'm back. And it was even better than the last trip. I didn't think that was possible, but it was. And the next will be even better.

When you are with someone who constantly validates you, who constantly makes you feel loved, who constantly cherishes every moment with you - and when you do that for each other, my god it's just amazing, it's beyond description.

And it shows.

On our last evening together we went and ate steaks, HUGE slabs of chargrilled prime Texas beef, followed by the most amazing concoctions from Cold Stone Creamery. We sat eating dinner, as usual both on the same side of the booth, laughing, smiling, talking, touching each other's face, gentle kisses, fingers stroking hands, arms, legs. Just how we always are together.

Then, we walked from the restaurant to the ice cream place and one of the waitresses from the restaurant (and no, not one who'd served us) was on her break and as we passed by, arms around each other, smiling and talking, she said to us, with a huge smile:

"You guys are just TOO cute together"

So there you have it folks, an unsolicited comment that he and I are TOO cute together *L*.

Well hell, we are!!

Up, Up and Away.....Again

I'm leaving today, off to earn some more air miles and be with someone so very special. That is NOT in the order of priority I assure you.

It will be quiet around here until Friday, at which time I'll be home again. No doubt battling jetlag, but hopefully not another dose of the flu.

Be safe and be happy everyone.

*Drawing the curtains and turning out the light for a few days*

Skips off happily!!!!

From Desiderata.....To Desiderata Too

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

~ Written by Max Ehrmann, 1927 ~


Updated for our modern lives:

Desiderata Too

Don't go placidly amid the apathy and lethargy. Remember that your silence is consent and there can be no peace where there is injustice.

You can't please all the people all the time, so shout your truth from the mountain top and don't accept nonsense from the bigoted, the ignorant and the self-serving.

Don't avoid people who are upset. They may have good reasons and your care and interest may make them less aggressive.

Be tolerant of the diversity that makes everyone special and be aware that there are no persons greater or lesser than yourself.

Don't live in the past or future. Enjoy the present.

Don't become obsessed by your own career. It cannot give you security or possession of anything or anyone.

Exercise trust in your dealings but be circumspect, as the world is full of materialists.
Become yourself. Express affection for all people and all species.

Be sceptical about romance for it is as transient as a summer flower.

Don't become tired in your ways and never surrender your sense of wonder. Don't be defensive. Be optimistic and imaginative.

Fatigue and loneliness are born of fear. Be rigorous in accepting responsibility for your actions and their consequences.

You are a child of your less than perfect parents and like the trees and the stars your time will pass. And whether or not it is clear to you, things are not working out nearly as well as they could.

Whatever you conceive God to be, also be aware that every single thing you do actually changes the world. Dreams cannot be broken and they will give you no peace if you don't act with integrity.

Unfortunately, this world is becoming uglier each day.

Be brave.

Strive for the right of all people to make their own paths.

~ Found in a South Australian kitchen.
Andrew Bunney, Copyright 1992 ~

Doogooder

With much sadness and a heavy heart, I have removed the link to DG's blog. It seems he won't be returning. I know there has been some speculation as to the reasons behind his sudden disappearance, there probably always will be.

For me, he was a good friend on several levels. I miss him and his words.

And I shall always be so incredibly thankful to him for encouraging me to start blogging. For it is through this medium that I have found new friendships, and more.

Wherever you are DG, may your journey be a safe and loving one. And if you ever drop by and see this, e-mail me damnit!!

Healed

Empty
Needing to be filled

I am able to breathe slowly, calmly, easily,
without restriction

My heart no longer hurts
isn’t feeling squeezed anymore

I feel strong mentally
able to put across any point I believe in

I feel secure in myself

I need no acceptance nor appraisal from others
to feel so

I feel capable and knowledgeable

I am comfortable with the responsibility that comes
with those traits

I feel safe
I am safe

I feel love
I can love

I can trust

I have no fear of the future

I know and understand what it is to feel

I am a complete person
Not bits and pieces inside
a bunch of skin.


~ Author unknown, used in treatment at Nechako Centre, Prince George, BC ~

Animals Are NOT Performers

Goodbye to this kind of cruelty in Shanghai

Dear Fiona,

Fantastic news! Following our Executive Director Annie Mather's visit to Shanghai Wild Animal Park which documented the cruelty of the "Shanghai Animal Olympics" and our letters and calls of protest to the Mayor and local authorities, the event has now been cancelled!

The Shanghai Daily newspaper quoted a park official, Su Feilong, as saying that a negative public response had prompted the cancellation. "The games never caused any trouble before, but we received complaints this year, so we stopped them," Su was quoted as saying.

Those complaints came from compassionate animal lovers like you who were sickened by our pictures and information about these cruel and degrading "performances" and wrote in to the Embassies and China National Tourist offices in your country, calling on them to end the shows.

Thank you on behalf of all in the team of Animals Asia for proving that, together, our voices, our actions, can make a difference.

Animals Asia will be writing to those same authorities thanking them for their leadership in compassion towards animals in entertainment who have the right to be wild. We will also be asking if we can now provide a permanent home for the poor blind bear that was forced to stand for hours at a time while tourists posed with him for photographs.

Again, we are so proud to have friends and supporters like you who have helped us in this significant step to end cruelty in the name of entertainment. Thank you!

Warmest wishes,
Jill
Jill Robinson MBE
Animals Asia Foundation
Hong Kong


It breaks my heart to see animals 'performing'. No matter whether in a circus, show, sea-life park. The only circus I'll go to is Cirque du Soleil. I just hate to see it. I've never even trained my dog to do 'tricks'.

You may have noticed this link in my sidebar, it's a charity I've supported for many years.

Apart from these bears in Shanghai, Jill and her team have been responsible for rescuing countless moon bears from a life-time of the most atrocious treatment (caged into metal frames less than the size of their bodies, limbs sometimes removed) as part of the bile-milking industry in China.

They also do amazing work in liberating thousands of dogs from the food markets of Guangzhou. Though I have to admit, I can't look at that area of the website, nor read those newsletters, the pictures are too disturbing to me. I've lived here a long time, long enough to have seen too many of those images, many of which still haunt me to this day.

If you have a moment, please visit the website. (strong warning re contents in the 'Friends.....or Food?' tab)

Emotional Laxative

Does such a thing exist?

I could use some if it does. My emotions feel blocked. They've been like this all weekend. They are there, no doubt about it, but I can't seem to express them like they need to be expressed. I don't want to expunge them, just loosen them up a bit. Maybe, therefore, it's not a laxative I need, but an emotional stool softener? Just to get things moving again.

I think it stems from the solitary feelings that come from space, time, responsibilities elsewhere. When you love someone so deeply, to be in a position where you can't express it in the way you need to, constantly, can cause this emotional constipation. I have such an innate need to express, to show, to be in the moment and not merely talking about it.

I have a need to be 'in love' when I'm in love. It's my nature. I want to touch, taste, smell, hear, see. I want to use all of me to show my feelings. I want, no I NEED, to be in each moment, not talking about it as a 'when'. It's just so hard to be revolving around the periphery of the experience.

Does any of this even make sense? Sometimes it does to me and sometimes I think, get a grip Fiona!

Fish Tacos, Korean BBQ and Vienna Sausages

The excesses of Thanksgiving reminded me of an old woman Rhona and I met while we were on holiday in Hawaii.

As evening approached one day, we were discussing dinner plans. She had her heart set on Korean BBQ (again!!) and I was more fish-inclined. So we compromised and headed off to the food court at the Ala Moana Mall where we knew both culinary desires could be met. Along with pretty much any food requirement.

I decided on a fish taco combi and she went for her beef ribs with three sides (two kimchi and one spinach). As these options were at opposite ends of the food court, we'd picked a place to rendezvous beforehand. Luckily it wasn't too busy so we placed our trays on the nearest table and as we did so a rather frail old lady, balancing a tray on her walker, came towards the same table. Rhona took her tray and put it on the table, while I helped the lady settle into her seat and tucked her walker out of the way.

There we sat with gigantic platters piled high with food (gosh American portions are HUGE!!) and we both looked at her tray. She had a cup of hot water, probably given gratis by one of the vendors, and her own teabag. She then reached into her bag and pulled out her dinner. This:


Rhona looked at me in dismay. Her eyes dragging mine back to the woman's tray. Then she leaned into me and said "Fion we can't eat all this while she eats that, I want to get her some proper food." I said well you need to be careful, so as not to offend, older people have a lot of pride. She took the advice and we ate, at all times cognisant of the imbalance.

As the old lady finished her can of sausages and drank her tea, Rhona reached over and laid her hand on her arm, saying to her, "I'm going to get something else to eat, can I get you something?" The old lady, of Japanese heritage from appearances, said she didn't really understand, but Rhona wasn't going to give up and eventually they reached an agreement that she would like some fruit. So off she went in search of fresh fruit in some form.

While Rhona was gone, I tried to initiate conversation with the woman but she really wasn't understanding much so we ended up just smiling at each other. Rhona returned with a lovely selection of pineapple, papaya and mango and offered it to her. She tucked into it and finished it all in no time, while we sat with her. We'd been there a while and as Rhona and I had plans to see the sunset torchlighting, we indicated we were going to go and through a combination of mime and smiles and a few broken words, we asked if she would like some help with her walker. She politely decined and managed to communicate to us that she was going to sit there for a while. That's when we realised she probably had nowhere else to go and this was possibly a ritual she looked forward to every day.

It's the sort of thing that puts a dampener on your day, to know that there is a lonely old woman sitting eating a tin of processed crap for her dinner in a busy, noisy food court. Rhona was quite down about it all. She has a huge heart and feels so much for others. And I was so proud of her, how she handled it all. She has grown into a wonderful woman and so far from who she was a few years ago. She makes me proud.

I sometimes sit and think of the old lady in Honolulu and my heart does break a little each time. It must be so sad to be that alone in one's old age.

I will admit that it's one of my biggest fears.

Happy Thanksgiving To My American Friends

The year has turned its circle,

The seasons come and go.

The harvest all is gathered in

And chilly north winds blow.

Orchards have shared their treasures,

The fields, their yellow grain,

So open wide the doorway - Thanksgiving comes again!

Today, I offer up thanks for blessings received. And for those yet unknown but already on the way.

I am thankful for my friends, my family and the love surrounding me, for my health and security. And for my freedom and the opportunities that affords me.

I have found more than I have lost and I am a better woman than I was 12 months ago. I am thankful for all my life's lessons in the past year, even the hard ones. Especially the hard ones.

May you all have a most wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving. And may your horns always be filled with plenty!!

For those less fortunate, spare a moment to think of them today. And if you are able, contribute to their betterment in some small way.

The Six Weirdnesses of Fiona

I was tagged by Steve. And this is apparently how it goes:

Each player of this game starts with the “6 weird things about you”. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

OK then....six degrees of my weirdness:

1. I am dyscalculic. Mainly quantitatively. It's not a very common thing and doubly weird for me as I'm in the numbers side of HR, as compensation specialist! This went undiagnosed while I was in school so wasn't addressed as a learning disability and I was thrown out of maths when I was about 12. It just goes to show, I haven't let my limitations limit me.

2. I love to eat with my hands. Slap anything between two slices of bread (wholewheat please) and I'm happy. Anyone else like spaghetti bolognaise sandwiches? I know Chele does :)

3. I have a queen-size bed but sleep on about 1/6 of it because I'm a bed-edge hugger. On my right side, with my left arm hanging over the edge of the bed. Oh and I also hate my feet being covered, even if it's really cold.

4. I drink plain hot water. Actually that's not even weird in this part of the world! Most of us do it. Not warm water but hot-out-of-the-kettle water.

5. I'm a sequential eater. Not in the scientific sense, but if separate, different foods are on my plate, I'll eat one at a time. I'd never take a piece of meat, add a forkful of potatoes and top it off with some veggies and put it in my mouth. Oh no, first a piece of meat - well even all of the meat. Then potatoes. Then the veggies.

6. I don't like to sleep in total darkness. I dislike the feeling of sensory deprivation. Usually I leave my bathroom light on. Which also helps in avoiding broken toes as I navigate to the loo a couple of times a night to pee!

Well, now I'm supposed to tag six people. I'd rather just say, for those of you who visit and haven't yet been tagged, would you like to give this one a go on your blog?

What Do I Miss?

Oh so many things.

The tactile nature of the two of us together.

The sharing of thoughts, even silently.

The awakening of all my senses.

The passion with which we connect.

The conversation, the laughter, the tears.

Looking into his beautiful eyes, seeing his gorgeous smile.

His kisses, oh how I miss those kisses of his!

But, most of all, I miss sharing space with him.

I miss being in the same room, or in the same car.

I miss sitting next to him in a restaurant booth.

I miss looking over at him, to find him looking at me.

I miss looking at him until he finds me looking at him.

I miss the way we lock eyes and then both smile.

I miss the way we fit together in every way possible.

I miss the comfort of him being close.

I miss just being with him.

I miss him.

And yet, I don't. Because no matter how many miles or time zones separate us, nothing can separate us.

Shadows

Larger Than Life
Camels cast long shadows under the late-day sun as they search for grass in Oman.

Photograph by George Steinmetz, published in National Geographic. Taken in February 2004 on assignment for National Geographic, this photograph shows a unique aerial perspective of The Empty Quarter, the world’s largest sand desert. George Steinmetz took the picture looking straight down while piloting his motorized paraglider near Wadi Mitan, a remote part of Oman close to where Saudi Arabia, Oman, and Yemen meet. Since it first appeared in National Geographic, it has been included in numerous additional publications and exhibitions.

Update: Jac posted the most beautiful comment, that I want to share here in case you don't click on the comments link:

Jac said...
I had a bad night sleep last night. So in the morning when I looked at this picture it made me think that the camels are our consciousness, and the HUGE shadows are our worries, fears, concerns, expectations. Just as our worries loom large but are really only illusion, so it is in life. Sometimes the world doesn't even get to see the real us for all the shadows we cast around!

Goodnight To A Mother's Dream

I love this song, especially the lyrics. Actually I prefer the lyrics without the music, as poetry. It resonates.

Goodnight To A Mother's Dream
~ Nanci Griffith ~

Flippin' bottle caps through the ring around the moon
All alone on a Saturday night with the stars in bloom
Built this house out in the hills
All by my own will
I am a vision of my mother's dream come true
I've got love enough for two
But it's just me and this old moon

...They all want the captain's daughter
They want her beauty and her youth
And the sailors on the water
To grace their bow out on the sea
Me, I'm getting older and I'm plain
As plain can be
Got a bank full of mother's dreams
Maybe mother just didn't see

That love would be the only thing
Her daughter would ever need

Oh, I am the heart not taken
I am the late blooming rose
The one thought not worth breakin'
With only her mother's dream to hold
Who really knows
On this less travelled road
...Maybe the hearts not taken
Are truly made of gold

I'm gonna flip one more bottle cap up at the moon
But, when I go inside I'm gonna let my back door slam
I've got an early call with so much work to do
Mother, to tell you the truth
I would trade your dream away

Just to hear some loved one say
I love you, too

Say goodnight to the moon
I'll say I love you to the moon...
'Buenos sueños' to the moon
And to my mother too

Vroom Vroom

This morning on the way to work, in the space of five minutes, I saw not one, but TWO of these magnificent beasts, a red one and a yellow one.

And I couldn't help but laugh. Here we were, sitting in traffic, at times moving at a snail's pace. It's not like they could ever be driven properly anyway, the maximum speed limit is 50kph (30mph) in the urban areas and only up to 100kph (50mph) on our highways, of which there aren't many.

Just sitting idling, waiting for the traffic light to change, I could not only hear the ferocity of that engine, but I could feel its power vibrating down into the road surface and then up into the taxi, along the backs of my thighs. Yes, a VERY nice feeling!!

But it was all I could do not to laugh at the absurdity of owning a car like that here, where gridlock is the order of the day during rush hour. And I've seen both cars before, they take a similar route to me - a five minute drive to work and a 10-15 minute drive home. In traffic. Heavy traffic at times.

What a waste.

By the way, is it true that the red ones go faster?

The Redcoats Are Coming...The Redcoats are Coming

No, not the Brits.....but the rotund elderly gentlemen with long white beards.

First, I noticed in the card shop, a whole section of birthday cards replaced by Christmas cards.

Then, I noticed the Christmas decorations beginning to appear around here.

I couldn't help but notice on my UA flight back to Hong Kong, that they were piping in Christmas carols as I boarded.

And my ears did not fail me the other day, when I noticed Anuja adding in some Christmas tunes to her repertoire (she sings a lot at work). I do believe I heard her own rendition of 'Do They Know It's Christmas?'. And yes, she sings all the parts.

But today at Starbucks, when my grande-skim-latte-with-an-extra-shot-please came in a red paper cup with an insulating sleeve decorated in white with red snowflakes, I knew that Christmas will soon be upon us. I skipped the gingerbread or eggnog flavouring options - all I can say is yuck-yuck-yuckity-yuck to that.

But I did have a cranberry scone and THAT is one of the best things about Christmas to me.

Ho Ho Ho.

Beta Boop

Sometimes I should just sleeping dogs lie. Or perfectly functioning blogs be.

I took the plunge and 'upgraded' to beta. Closed my eyes and pressed the button. Peeked with one eye, it looked exactly the same. Opened both eyes - yup all is good. Then....

When I went to add a comment to a post, that popped up - "The blog you were looking for was not found. Back to the Dashboard". My eyes went very wide at that point and I thought well poo, now I've lost all my comments?!

After fiddling around a little, it seems that the comments are only 'not found' in the Current Posts page and if you go to archive for November 2006, which of course includes current posts, you can see and add comments there.

Damned if I can figure that out but I've left a comment on the Blogger Help Board and let's see what comes from that.

Please don't give up commenting where you wish, and reading those who have. I'm afraid right now though, you'll have to click on November 2006 under Archive, to do so.

I suppose it could be worse. But it could also be one hell of a lot better too!

Update: Well that issue seems to have been resolved, thank goodness. However now it seems it's not possible to navigate back to my blog from my comments left on other blogs (mostly, I have seen one exception). While my profile settings are correct to be able to do that, it seems beta blogger doesn't care to oblige!!

Final Update: My profile link on comments at other blogs is now fixed. All systems are now go and thanks to the Blogger support team for their help!

Sotto Voce

There is nothing more wonderful than sharing soft loving whispers as I look into the eyes of the man I love. And to see his eyes looking back at me, returning that love tenfold.

To hold and be held in the deep of the night, without being enveloped in darkness. To leave the light on when we sleep so that if we wake, we will not miss a second of being able to see each other.

To breathe in his scent, his essence, while his breath pulls mine into his body. To taste him on my tongue and know from his soft moans that he is tasting me on his.

To caress his entire body with mine, from his toes to the top of his head. To stroke with the lightest of touches, every inch of bare warm flesh that I can reach.

To kiss away the tears from the corners of his eyes, as he does mine, when our emotions overflow. And while we do that, to smell the gentle scent of a dozen perfect red roses filling the room.

To trace the sign of eternity over his heart with my fingertip, when I tell him that I love him. And for our eyes to meet in silent understanding of the gravity, the joy and the inevitability of our love.

To hear the voice I now know so well, express his deepest thoughts and desires. The masculine strength of it, the way it breaks a little when his heart feels like it will melt. To listen to his every breath and the beauty of his laughter.

To fall asleep gazing upon the face of the man I love, and for it to be the first thing I see when I wake. And to kiss without having to move, that is how close I have rested in his arms.

To reflect on the words of Kahlil Gibran every single day:

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

This man blesses my life by being a part of it.
This man fulfills my need to love and to be loved.
This man tells me I deserve goodness and then offers it to me.
This man appreciates me as much as I appreciate him.
This man is comfortable in silence with me.
This man embraces and engages the totality of me.
This man's heart beats with mine.
This man.....this man.

Sotto voce, tesoro mio.

The Other Man In My Life

Lupo. My adored little boy. I took this picture a few days after I found them. This is him (on the right) with his brother Love (pronounced loo-vay) who was adopted by a friend and now lives in Sweden.

I found them when I was living in Tenerife, abandoned and dumped just outside where I was living. The vet reckoned they were about four weeks old at the time and Lupo was very very sick, he couldn't even keep water down. I was told not to get too attached to him. Well you can see even in that photo that he wasn't quite as bright-eyed as his brother. I was working all day in the dive centre and when I'd take them out for walkies, each one fit in the palm of my hand. Those are cat harnesses they're wearing in the photo, that's how tiny they were and all long legs and feet and ears!!

I really was so worried about Lupo, he was getting weaker and weaker and then one day, about 10 days after finding them, he threw up and out came about three feet of cling wrap!! They must have been living on garbage but how they survived to even four weeks amazes me. After that he came along leaps and bounds.

I nursed them along and they were in my life 24/7 for the first four months and then a friend adopted his brother. I hadn't planned on having a dog as I had two cats already, but there was no way I could ever even think about giving him up by then. When my sister came over to run the business for me, she brought her little Jack Russell, an East-London dog she named Shaz. This is the two of them in their 'scuba' gear!!

Of course he has had his very naughty stages, like the time I bought him a new ball

and this happened to it - don't you love the look on his face? No it wasn't me, honest it wasn't...ummm ok ok and I feel so bad *L*

mmmmmmmmmmmm do I see steak?

My boy just loves the mountains

and the beach
but his favourite is the snow which he gets to run in once a year when the snow collects on the top of Teide (the volcano on the island)

and all that fun does make for a very yawny dog

and that of course means crashing with his 'sister' at the end of the day in their own chair

No matter how long I'm away from him, he always gives me the most wonderful welcome when we see each other again. Although he's now more my sister's dog than mine as she's had him for the past six years, while I was in his life for only the first year, we will always have that bond. He's so wonderful, one of those intelligent, kind, sensitive dogs. I do love him so.

And I'll be seeing him soon. January or February I'll be visiting him in Tenerife and my sis and I plan on having a vacation then, probably going over to La Gomera or El Hierro or La Palma (other islands in the Canaries) as they can be reached by ferry and the dogs get to go too!

My Lupo. My adored boy. Not only by me, but by everyone who meets him.

Cough....Splutter....Sneeze....Honk

On my flight last Friday, there was a woman sitting on the plane one row back and over to my left. She sneezed and hacked her way across the Pacific and damn her I think she infected me.

I felt a little congested while I was away but on Monday morning as I began my journey home, it started in earnest. I knocked myself out with cold/flu tabs on the 14-hour plane ride (headwinds added 3 hours onto the journey westwards), which in itself was a good thing as I hadn't slept while travelling eastwards, so at least I arrived home without feeling too jet-lagged.

I went to work on Wednesday and managed to crawl through the day but yesterday, it took me down and it took me down hard. I called in to work to say I'd try to get there in the afternoon but Nooj threatened to lock the doors if I even attempted it. Trust me, I'm not a wuss and I don't do the 'I'll just stay home in bed' routine easily. But anyway, I DID stay home in bed, medicated myself, went through almost a whole box of tissues and generally slept and lazed. Thank goodness for bootleg dvds!

Back at work today and while the congestion is definitely better, it has moved down my throat into my breathing tubes.....ouch ouch ouch. I'm dosing myself now with Pei Pa Koa syrup which is the best thing in the world.


If you ever see this on a shelf somewhere, grab a bottle. Mix some in with hot water and drink it down and you will feel it working right away. An all-natural remedy containing 15 herbs and man it tastes SO GOOD!!

But you know, not even feeling ill can dampen the joy, the delight, the magnificence of being loved by the most amazing man I've ever known.

The Real Deal

Love. Fulfilling love. Healthy love. Mature love. Fun love. Balanced love. Comfortable love. Deep love.

I used to think I knew what love was. I used to think I'd experienced it in my life. I used to think it had come and gone. Everything I've ever known or thought I understood, has paled in comparison to what I'm feeling now.

Two days of the most soul-searching, passionate feelings. Laughter until there were tears in our eyes. A silent awareness of things shared. Common thought and common understanding, of a most uncommon intensity. Touches and caresses that went beyond the patch of skin involved.

I know what love is now. Forgive me if I don't share much more than this here, but it's just so deeply private and personal. Plus, in any case, I can't quite put words to it. I'm too busy just feeling so very loved right now.

And he is, quite simply, the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Kisses Met

It's time to head to the airport.

This, in the words of a very good friend, is kismet. Or kisses met. I like that!

I'll see you all in a few days. Be safe and be happy.

WTF??!!

A typhoon (hurricane) in November???????

I'm scheduled to fly out on Friday just after noon. And now THIS mofo is sitting out there.

In its latest advisory, the JTWC has favored a track towards South China near Hong Kong, Macau, and Guangzhou; landfall is suggested for Friday, local time.

TYPHOON (TY) 22W (CIMARON), LOCATED APPROXIMATELY 270 NM SOUTH-SOUTHEAST OF HONG KONG, HAS TRACKED NORTH-NORTHWESTWARD AT 04 KNOTS OVER THE PAST SIX HOURS.

Yes, that's correct. It's south-southeast and is moving north-northwest. I'm sitting on the coast where you see a sort of ^ indentation, just to the right of that.

I know it's selfish of me to be worried about my trip when storms like this cause such havoc and devastation, but excuse me while I express myself.....*&^%$#@+&^%*


Update (Wednesday afternoon):

CIMARON HAS TRACKED WEST-NORTHWESTWARD AT 04 KNOTS OVER THE PAST SIX HOURS .

Well at least WNW is better than NNW or NW but it still doesn't seem to have chosen its path yet.


Update (Wednesday night):

MOVEMENT PAST SIX HOURS - 360 DEGREES AT 01 KTS

Basically it's just sitting there


Update (Thursday morning):

MOVEMENT PAST 12 HOURS - 045 DEGREES AT 01 KTS

The JTWC is still going with a path towards southern China. But the starting point for the forecast track is necessarily farther east. Once again, forecasters at the JTWC have acknowledged that there are at least two likely solutions to the problem of Cimaron and its ultimate destination. Another path is for the stalled typhoon to loiter over the open South China Sea, ultimately getting squeezed toward the southwest by high pressure building over China. There is a small possibility of Cimaron heading northeastwards and it may become a weakening storm buffeted and broken by shearing winds, including a drift toward the west and south -- over the South China Sea for at least a few days to come.

There it still sits, no matter what, it's too far away to ground my plane now - Girls the dance worked!!!! THANK YOU!!!!


Final Update (Thursday evening) - No threat to my travel plans. I'll be going home soon to pack, and to primp and preen .... and hopefully get a good night's sleep.